Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

663 replies

Lionessy · 27/06/2013 14:09

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently Hmm and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go Angry. Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice Hmm.

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 28/06/2013 15:49

Parental support? Because she changed her mind at the last minute about going to her prom?

Parental support is about being there when they need help with life, not with parties. Parental support is about bringing endless cups of tea at revision time. Parental support is about making sure they know you are there when they need a shoulder/advice.

How very patronising. Hmm

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 15:52

People change their minds all the time, that it's not the issue at all. In fact my mate's son changed his mind about going to the prom at the very last minute too, this meant that there was no fine to hire a tux, so he went in smart trousers. Had he chucked a strop his mum would have told him that's what happens when you change your mind at the last minute.

larrygrylls · 28/06/2013 15:52

Yams,

I think that ultimately I had a lot of support. Maybe I should have said that they did not take an interest in the day-to-day minutiae of my life. Were I to have asked for help, I would certainly have got it. However, it would have been a negotiation and a fair discussion. If I had just demanded, I really would have got nothing.

I am sure I will change my mind about lots of things. However, I think I was actually a far better theoretical toddler parent than an actual one. I do (like most modern parents) really have to force myself to be a parent these days and not prioritise the short term cheerfulness of my children.

I think parents should always be approachable but not overly interested in every second, especially as a child grows towards adulthood. As that actress from Ab Fab (Kirwala or something) put it far better than me in an interview in the Sunday Times. Family should be like central heating. You always know they are there but you don't have to constantly sit on the boiler.

This is a slight digression, though.

MarinaIvy · 28/06/2013 15:53

I saved all my old prom dresses. If my DC pulls this kind of a stunt, let me assure you, I'll make HIM wear one.

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 15:54

Learning that sometimes you CAN'T change your mind and expect everything to go to plan is a very good life lesson.

larrygrylls · 28/06/2013 15:55

"i am not sure i like the lesson that you can't ever change your mind about things.."

That's not the lesson. The lesson is that sometimes you can but it carries a cost. The idea that every decision in life is a free option is what leads to a number of ills in modern society (the banking crisis, for one).

YouTheCat · 28/06/2013 15:55

Exactly, Valium. It's about accepting the consequences of our decisions.

OneStepCloser · 28/06/2013 15:56

Well it seems to OPs daughter learnt a lesson last night, she changed her mind at the last minute and didnt get a limo, life and the prom still went on, lesson learnt.

yamsareyammy · 28/06/2013 15:57

Yes, I do hear something about "positive parenting" or something nowadays.
Doesnt sound ideal.
I will see if I can find the Sunday Times interview, unless you are able to link it?
I am digressing now too!

larrygrylls · 28/06/2013 15:58

Yams,

I will look. It was ages ago. The quote just resonated with me and gave me something to aim for as a parent.

aldiwhore · 28/06/2013 16:02

I'm on the fence, haven't got teenagers. I'd like to think I'd have given my consent for her to go but she'd have done the rushing around.

Saying that, I'd have probably rushed, she'd have gone to the ball, but I would certainly be operating zero tolerance to anymore tantrums.

(I was a nightmare teen)

BackforGood · 28/06/2013 16:04

I agree with LarryGrylls, and I do have teens - I had the first prom last year.
They would have known when they first had the conversation about not wanting a Prom ticket that if they made that decision then, then it was their own decision and I wouldn't be doing any of what the OP did on the day if they changed their mind. They started learning this when they first started having tantrums as toddlers though, and it would have been reinforced if they left their PE kit or musical instrument at home after I'd reminded them to get it out and put it ready by the door the night before - I never went chasing up to school with it.... they didn't plan so they didn't have whatever it was they forgot and they missed out.
I will help them out all I can when they've planned it out - I was the one that collected 6 teenage boys from his prom last year, or if something's happened in an 'emergency' type way (so, as Larry said, my dc know they can phone me for a lift if they ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable or the arrangement has broken down in some way and I'll come out - ds has called us out to help a friend before now), but all that's very different from going to so much effort to get your teen to a party they chose not to go to.
They do have other "special parties" - end of 6th form prom / party, special parties for 18th and/or 21st, graduation balls if they go to university, etc. it's really not the one off event you are trying to make it sound like.
Then you've done exactly the same thing again with The Challenge. You are right - it's absolutely FAB experience for them, but you are just repeating the lesson that 'it doesn't matter if you don't take any responsibility for yourself, Mum will have it all covered and drop everything to make it alright for me however late I change my mind and mess the people planning the activity around'.

MummyMastodon · 28/06/2013 16:06

DD had her end of 6th form prom the other night, I keep looking at the photos on my PC at work, with a big grin on my face, they all look so lovely. I would have done a lot to get her there if she'd got in a muddle with it.

YouTheCat · 28/06/2013 16:09

But the OP's dd wasn't in a muddle. She decided not to go and then changed her mind on the day.

My dd has her end of 6th form prom tonight. If she was mid hair doing and had realised she'd forgotten something vital, I'd pop up to the supermarket for her.

I wouldn't have bought her a ticket if she hadn't wanted to go, just in case. What if she really hadn't wanted to go at all? That's like throwing away money. Confused

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 16:11

Mummy-I would too but had I been met with any stroppy nonsense that would have been that!

aldiwhore · 28/06/2013 16:13

Yes Valiumredhead that!

I'd probably be having a conservation about knowing her own mind too, and not letting other's dictate what's cool or not. (Even if the conversation went nowhere).

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 16:18

As sparklingbrook said earlier teens ARE like toddlers, the similarities are really quite scary but I spent years telling ds that chucking a strop wouldn't let him get his own way so I'm blowed if I'll do it now he's olderGrin

Burmillababe · 28/06/2013 16:24

I just hope she is genuinely grateful! I know someone whose mother used to do similar things for her throughout her childhood/teens. Sadly she never appreciated it and is, to this day, completely disrespectful to her (now old and ill) parents, not even letting them see her DD who is their only GC!

yamsareyammy · 28/06/2013 16:40

I agree with you Burmillababe. Mine wouldnt keep getting away with it. No way.

usualsuspect · 28/06/2013 16:51

It doesn't make you a better parent if you are harsh and strict.

Me, I like my kids and do what I can to make them happy,even though they are all grown up.

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 16:57

That's exactly what I do usual,I adore my ds and would do anything to help him out, but tantrums about not going in a limo? No way!

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 16:59

I always run forgotten games kits and lunches down to school so not a complete ogreWink

valiumredhead · 28/06/2013 17:02

I'm not harsh and strict at all actually but I wouldn't buy a ticket for ds if he insisted he didn't want to go and if he changed his mind he would know he couldn't have things exactly the way he'd want.

I know I'm the best mum in the whole world because he tells me I amGrin

usualsuspect · 28/06/2013 17:11

I'm a soft touch where my kids are concerned.

They seem to have turned out ok though.

Cravey · 28/06/2013 17:11

It's not the lesson of changing her mind. It's the lesson of being grateful to her mum and not throwing a tantrum because there was no limo.