to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

[Lionessy]

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go . Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice .

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

I don't think anyone has said it was OK to behave badly Post.

It's just that sometimes letting it go is the best thing for everyone.

I suppose it depends on what kind of adult you want to create, a generous, 'oh go on then, I'll pull out all the stops, just this once because it's an important event in your life' person, or a you've-made-your-bed-now-lie-in-it type person.

Glad she had a good night and have a great week end-breakfast in bed for you me thinks

Just chipping in to say that my darling Dad spent all day looking for hair dye to cover up a disastrous green home dye job.Pre supermarkets and pharmacies.This was in the 60's.Will draw a veil over the ghastly white lace stockings ,mini,mini Quant outfit and pale lipstick!!
Parents try to do their best.

"I suppose it depends on what kind of adult you want to create, a generous, 'oh go on then, I'll pull out all the stops, just this once because it's an important event in your life' person, or a you've-made-your-bed-now-lie-in-it type person."

I totally disagree with this. One of the most important gifts a parent can give their child is resilience. This is hard won by suffering disappointments and learning to deal with them whilst still being supported by your parents. It is about learning to fail and then bounce back. This gives long term self confidence and is worth so much more than the short lived ego boost of attending a school disco.

I would bend over backwards to support my children in something that they had worked hard for and was worthwhile (sporting achievements, academic achievement, musical achievement, dramatic achievement etc etc). However, a parent buying into the teenage angst of a party being the most important thing in the World is wrong (IMO). A parent is there to give a (sometimes unwanted in the short term) adult perspective on a situation. It is (taken in isolation) buying into the WAG culture of money, beauty and hedonism being the most important life values. I really don't think that is a recipe for building long term confidence and happiness in one's children. Personally, having thought about it, missing the Prom would have been a great lesson, especially coupled with maybe planning another social event later for the OP's daughter which they could both have worked co-operatively towards.

(This is not a comment on the OP in general. She sounds like a lovely parent. It is merely a comment on this specific situation).

I think I need to say larrygrylls, that you are going to run the risk of your children holding things against you, if they dont already.

Whatever you would have planned after, would in no way have made up for the prom.

I am wondering if perhaps this is how your dad or mum was to you.
And you will say that it did you no harm.

I wouldn't want to be the kind of adult who would hold my own childhood selfishness against a parent.

Are you a boarding school/army person?
Maybe a harsh parent?

I think the ones who are saying they wouldn't don't fully understand parenting teens.
She will always remember that her mum was able/willing to do something lovely for her.Not because it was essential or to do with work or education but because the dd had made a mistake and asked mum to help which she did.
If one of my dc was hurting for whatever reason I wanted to make it better if I could.If they were hurting because they had done something wrong I would help put it right without minimising the offense.My dd is 38 now and we have a close loving relationship-I once got up at 4am to put plaits in her pony before a show because she remembered she had forgotten to do it. Sometimes you just do...Its one version of loving I suppose.

A prom is not a school disco whatsoever.
If it was, then it would be a totally different matter.

Yams,

I am not sure my parents were that interested in me, unless there was a problem. I, like most children in those days (80s), were pretty much left to get on with it.

And, not only will I say it did me no harm, I am very thankful that I knew from an early age that there was no Santa Claus to bail me out every time I got into trouble and I had to fall back on my own resources. It got me to Cambridge and a good job in the City. It is now helping me to deal with the end of that career and move to retrain to be a teacher.

I will also say that it is in line with what most educational and child psychiatrists would recommend. There is a real crisis in parenting these days that parents are unable to deal with disappointing their children over even tiny matters.

Yams,

I, like most parents, like to think that I get the line right between harshness and unconditional love. I only have a 2.5 and 4 year old, though, and it is clearly a marathon and not a sprint.

The fact that MNers seem to think me harsh but most RL family and friends think me too much of a pushover maybe means I am getting it about right (well, I hope so, anyway).

I have 18 year old twins. So yes, I do know what it is like to have teens.

It is one thing to do something nice and helpful for your child. It is quite another to go way out of your way and be met with a tantrum.

I am not a boarding/army parent either, though my father was in the forces.

I am a reasonably normal working class parent who finds the OPs position completely alien.

I wonder how those of us who didn't have proms ever managed to cope

I thank god (or whoever) that we did not have proms, I would have hated it, hated school and couldnt wait to leave the shit hole.

But thats by-the-by ( or is it bye-the-bye?, its by-the-by init)

will someone explain what lesson the girl would have learnt if the mum had just refused to help?

We had a 1920s themed Christmas disco in 1986. My mum hired me a dress and helped me with my hair.

I was very grateful. I paid her back for the dress and paid for my own ticket.

She would have learned not to expect the whole world to jump because she changed her mind at the last minute.

Gym-I don't think it's the fact the OP helped that people object to, it's the fact she threw a strop even after mum had spent all day running around for her oh and dad taking day of too.

The thread might have moved on though-I keep doping in and out with my jaw on the floor in shock at what is deemed acceptable

Gymboy,

She would have learnt that when she first decided not to go, she took that decision as a responsible near adult and had to deal with the consequences. She will maybe think more about that kind of decision in future.

She would ultimately learn that missing the prom was not actually the end of the World and that her life continued pretty much as before.

larrygrylls, I expect you will change your mind about a few things as you go along as the rest of us do when we and the kids get to certain ages

With respect, my parents were always interested in me. And my sibling.
I would like to hope that everyone has parents that are interested in their children all the time.
And with respect, you had resources inside you as well as parents to pick up pieces if things went wrong.

I suppose it partly comes back to nature and nurture.
I do think that some children[not talking about this thread], would not cope if left to their own devices, because it depends on thier inert nature.
As I hope you would agree, you have 2 children, and I would be surprised if even though they may be brought up the same, that they dont have different characters.And this will make them different people.
Some children need different levels of parental support[again not talking about this thread].

Yes you exactly.

Doping? I mean popping

Reading that back, sounds a bit harsh about your parents. Sorry.

all the people shocked that dad took the day off-the op did explain the he works evenings and so wouldn't have been around to see her/give her a lift.

he didn't take a day shift off.

i am not sure i like the lesson that you can't ever change your mind about things..