PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

Why do you have to control them at all? Surely, if you're uncomfortable about the clever stuff you can balance it yourself without humiliating kind people and making them feel that they cannot say what comes naturally to their grandson?

I have had a very successful life, actually. Yes, I did excel academically. But I have always suffered from extreme stress in exam situations (to the extent that I was physically sick for many of them, and it does have to do with this.

people/teens do this a lot it is called anxiety due to be a perfectionist a lot of really clever people are wired like this and maybe you should address I think you latched on to what your GP said and ran with it,

Agree with that Apocalypse

You can't control how other people interact with your children, and the more you try to, the more they will struggle in the wider world.

MrsDeVere, but do you not feel that praising your charges' effort is better than telling them they are 'clever'?

I can see how in some situations it might not be damaging (although the constant use the OP describes does not seem like one of those situations), but surely there are always better ways of praising?

If you put a strong emotional connotation on the word 'clever' if someone then gets told they are 'not clever' then they would feel insulted/deflated? This could be of particular relevance to children with disabilities.

I would prefer to leave 'clever' out of it and just talk about how wonderful they are for what they have done, praise the work they have done, etc.

I also was perfectionistic, but no one banged on about how clever I was. It was an internal drive

I also have a child with learning difficulties she needs praise to function sometimes it isnt that I over praise I know what my child needs and because of her developmental disorder she needs to be told she did well or is clever for remembering to do things, she recently did exams and I was clever girling for weeks

I also was perfectionistic, but no one banged on about how clever I was. It was an internal drive

jamie I think ^^ is what I meant,

people/teens do this a lot it is called anxiety due to be a perfectionist a lot of really clever people are wired like this and maybe you should address I think you latched on to what your GP said and ran with it,

Maybe, but I always had a feeling of profound shame whenever I was less than perfect in exams, which due to my anxiety I started to be. And I did feel that it must mean that I had not worked hard enough, or maybe (when I knew that I had) that I was a fraud and that all the people who had worked to help me prepare would discover that actually I wasn't brilliant at all.

But only praising the work they have done is so bland. Are they never supposed to feel proud of the final outcome? How do you know, when you say 'you must've worked so hard on that' that they're not thinking 'meh.'?

That's a really contrived way to get around a problem that's all in your mind.

I think the key thing is that the children grow up to understand that effort is the most important thing, clearly positive feedback of any sort is better than none, however the word 'clever' is generally interpreted as a synonym for 'intelligent', so its important children do not grow up believing being clever is an achievement and that even clever people need to work hard to achieve things in life. it can be upsetting and confusing to a child who has been informed they are clever to find some things in life difficult having previously understood that things should come easily due to their intelligence.

Liara is correct IME. The "clever" label basically ends up giving you anxiety issues.

Saying that, it's only occasional grandparent praise, it's hardly setting an everyday pattern, so I'd bite your tongue OP.

Lead the way. Show them how to compliment for effort. Don't make an issue out of it though xx

Parents have to realise that they can only control themselves and not everyone that comes I to contact with them! I agree with Apocalypse. If a 'precious' parent was trying to tell me how I ought to talk to their child I would do my usual of smile, nod and ignore.

Sorry it should have been into contact and not I.

But only praising the work they have done is so bland. Are they never supposed to feel proud of the final outcome? How do you know, when you say 'you must've worked so hard on that' that they're not thinking 'meh.'?

Why is it bland? I can tell they are not thinking 'meh' because their little faces are beaming with pride. Whereas when their gps call them 'clever' they have their 'meh' faces on (I'm proud of that, btw).

"Well done" and "good work" are short and to the point, are they not? Why are they worse than 'you are clever'?

'Leading the way' would either be something I didn't notice or too patronising for words!
Just accept that you have no control, other than avoiding contact which would be utterly ridiculous! As in 'you didn't see your grandparents because they used 'clever' too much'!!
It really doesn't matter.

They sound awful. How do you cope

I find your attitude quite sad and mean spirited OP.

When you ILs interact with their 22m old grandson everything he does is a delight to them, and telling him he's 'clever' is just grandparent speak for expressing how much joy he's giving them.

How can you possibly think he will be damaged in some way by their loving behaviour?

When my children were small I used to have silly nicknames for them and told them silly stories. Amazingly enough they've all grown up to be pretty good adults.

The research that showed you should praise your children for effort rather than being 'clever' was aimed at school aged children and their parents.

No where did it suggest that it was damaging for grandparents to occassionally call a two year old clever for demonstrating acheiving developmental stages (which you would no doubt be complaining they were criticising if they weren't praising)

The other thing is, what a 22 month old does is remarkably clever. Extraordinarily clever. The speed of development is astonishing, even in children with challenges, and it's largely innate so down to a degree of cleverness that all humans possess.