PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

You could point out to them that it would be helpful if they could get in the habit of giving specific praise (Thank you for standing still, you really helped me change your nappy quicker etc.) rather than just using slightly meaningless words like "clever" or "good".

At this age it won't make a blind bit of difference to your DS, but it might be a good habit for them and you to get into.

Clever isn't really in that category. He's not going to be scarred for life because a grandparent thinks a little tuddles is clever.

mrsjay no, my parents did not do this, very deliberately.

But my dearly beloved gps did, and it was very harmful to me. Then school put the final nail in the coffin.

Which compliments would be acceptable?
Is it only acceptable to praise the action and not the child?
Can we not appreciate innate talent?

Oh, and YABU

What a load of rubbish. Can you honestly not hear how ridiculous that is? 'I only love you if you're clever' - how could you possibly come to this conclusion?

Genuine question, how do you praise your kids?

Being clever is not an action or an achievement though MrsDeVere, it is just an accident of birth. Teaching a child this accident of birth has more value than your actions is damaging in the long run. Some may think a child will not pick up on this distinction, but they do, especially clever ones!

But my dearly beloved gps did, and it was very harmful to me. Then school put the final nail in the coffin.

I am really sad that you felt like that obviously somebody wasn't in tune with how you coped, with over praise, I am really careful with over praise with DDs but I am sure the GP are not meaning any harm, and I think you maybe had other stuff going on too

Oh for heavens' sakes. It's not giving the child a message that he has done something well because he has been born intelligent, and it is not telling him he is only loved if he is clever. It is affirming the achievements of a toddler - and probably doing his self esteem the world of good.

I tell my dd she is clever all the time - for example, if she stands unaided for more than about a second I tell her she's clever. (She's 11 months.) It's not because she's been born a mini Einstein, it's just praising her for what she can do.

Liara - I think pretty girl and clever boy is bad because it implies it's more important for the girl to be pretty than clever.

Oh take some responsibility for your life rather than moaning about how your (loving) grandparents ruined it.

FFs the kid is a toddler, it's normal talk.

Possibly, but the use of the word is representative of an underlying attitude.

Certainly PIL have always had an attitude of 'you must be the best in everything you do', which is why I react so strongly to them using the word with dc.

MIL did say, in a scoffing way 'well, what do you expect me to say, that they are just average'.

The answer is yes, I am perfectly happy for them to be 'average' (which is a completely meaningless statement without previously defining your set), I just want them to be loved for who they are and praised for what they intend.

There is nothing innate to you of any value. All that matters is that you strive, child. You are not clever or beautiful, so you had better work hard.

Yabu, and v v strange ,poor parents in law, perhaps you should cut contact...

This is mostly coming from having seen reports of research like currywurst3 mentions about how it's more beneficial in the long term to praise children for effort rather than intelligence.

(although I think terming it toxic is probably going a bit too far, certainly where PILs are concerned)

Fairly clear though that the concensus is that I'd be unreasonable to complain to PILs about this!

I'll keep quiet for now, but piprabbit's idea about suggesting to them that they offer more specific praise sounds good.

Curry

It requires effort and perserverence for little children to do things as well. Clever is just a shorthand to express how thrilled these loving granarents are to watch their GC's development.

I think it's really churlish to have a problem with this. And I'm pretty much of an over-thinker ...

Why do you have to c

Oh take some responsibility for your life rather than moaning about how your (loving) grandparents ruined it

Huh?

I have had a very successful life, actually. Yes, I did excel academically. But I have always suffered from extreme stress in exam situations (to the extent that I was physically sick for many of them, and it does have to do with this.

If I can avoid it for my children then I will, and I get that the OP wants to do the same.

The way I praise my children is with respect to their attitude/effort. Wow, you worked really hard on that didn't you. You must be proud of the work you did. You really focussed there, and you got it done, good for you. etc. etc.

They do not seem to lack for praise.

He's 22 months! It is normal to talk to a toddler like this! It's hardly the same as pressurising a teenager to get 15 As at A level or you won't love them any more.

Do people not realise how bonkers they sound?!!!!

Yes MrsDeVere we also tell our son he is clever, he is 20 with an SLD, clever for him is things like following an instruction to go and get something from another room and bringing it to us.