PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

Rhonda

I'm not picking, I'm disagreeing.

I'm not suggesting it's imposed on the GP, not at all.

I'm only suggesting the OP introduces them to the idea. If they're not up for it, or can't get their heads around it then there's really not much you can do. But they might be interested, you don't know unless you try!

Personally, I would never have thought of it, had a friend not introduced me to the concept.

I think she can model it, but to do anything more explict would be badly received. I really don't think it is sufficiently damaging behaviour to raise with them.

Or she could say " I really like the way you try and give my DS confidence by praising his developmental milestones"

"I really dislike this attitude if picking on the op for being concerned about behaviours which have been proven to have a negative effect on children."

I agree.

Well, I'd dispute the level of proof that you are talking about, in the context of a 22 month old, and grandparents who are not primary carers.

I wouldn't use it myself but I don't believe in imposing what I do on others.
With those like RhondaJean I would listen, smile, nod and do my own thing. I am not going to argue or have lengthy discussions about it. If they referred to it again I would just say, in a vague and friendly way, yes you said that last time I saw you.
You have to accept you have no control- if I see your child out I could say 'what a clever girl to ride a two wheeler' - the parent can't do anything- I have said it! ( I hasten to add that I wouldn't - it is just to show the parent can't control- they can either explain their policy to which I can say 'well I think you are clever dear' or remove the child- just being devil's advocate here.

OP isn't being in the least unreasonable- she just needs to accept that she can only control herself- you can't control others(much as you might like to!)

Exotic - as a random stranger you are unlikely to have a lasting impact on my child regardless of WHAT you say. What you seem unable or unwilling to grasp us that GPS are not random people and have huge influence on children's lives.

In this context it sounds like they do adore their gs and I'm sure op asking them to use more descriptive praise and explaining why wouldn't be a problem.

Why people would refuse to try to do the best for their children and maintain they know better in the face of evidence baffles me, but we have had the same attitude over the years with smoking/salt/smacking and a thousand other things so I am prepared to accept my bafflement us part of my own personality flaws. Many created by being branded ' the clever one'as a child..

OP, you sound absolutely nuts.

The primary carer is the influence. The fact that OP is 'staying for a few days' means that she doesn't see them daily or even weekly.
Personally I agree with you. I have only one point- as a parent it is not in your gift to control your child's environment - you can control yourself- you can control your home in that you can exclude those you don't want to have contact- beyond that you have no control beyond removal or avoidance.
I would think my mother had a serious problem if she said that we had no contact with grandparents because they insisted on calling me clever as a toddler when she had expressly explained why they shouldn't!!

Smile, nod, ignore is always my policy with unwanted advice- and how to talk to children is unwanted advice.

Helpful comment there Kiwiinkits

This is why I avoid AIBU most of the time. And it's not even particularly bad on this one.

ShadowStorm if you want a more balanced response I suggest reposting in "parenting" or somewhere, anywhere except AIBU!

If I get to be a grandmother I am going to be eccentric with unpredictable conversation!

"If I get to be a grandmother I am going to be eccentric with unpredictable conversation!"

YANBU OP, but proceed with extreme caution and tact as you wouldn't want to offend the GP's and there might be other (even) more important issues that you want to have them on your side with over the years to come.

You sound like a very thoughtful mum but, be careful as GPs are notoriously sensitive about being challenged on anything to do with methods of bringing up children (implied criticism - though, in this case an actual criticism).

My DGC were clever for: crawling, walking, smiling, clapping, talking (first words - especially the one with delayed speech), weeing in a potty and a myriad of other things.

Have I ruined them for ever?

God almighty,I really wonder about people sometimes, how the hell are you pissed off about something so trivial?

My MIL spotted signs of 'superior intelligence' in my DS1 when he was 2 weeks old I am not sure what he was doing that enabled her to diagnose this trait but I imagine it must have been quite spectacular.
He is now 22 and she still says I told you so whenever he does anything vaguely brainy. Agggghhhhhh!

When my dad first saw ds after he was born, he turned to me and said 'you are SO clever, I'm so proud of you.'

I felt pretty clever actually having just managed to give birth to an actual baby

Yes NannyOgg you have I'm afraid :(

Telling them they're clever when they are toddlers will clearly damage them for life :(

amazing how many of us survived it really isn't it.

red - it does make you wonder doesn't it

I think GentlyGently has it just right.

I'm another one adversely affected by the 'clever' label and I also try to get in the habit of saying things other than 'clever boy!' to my DS (he's only 8 months atm), but try not to let it bother me if my mum/pils do.

So, YANBU... But at the same time, you are. Just concentrate on your own stuff; if you can have a constructive conversation about research etc do so, but don't lay down the law about what they can or can't say, that way trouble lies.

A couple of points here
1)No evidence re use of clever being damaging to self esteem wrt to dc as young as OPs. Do not extrapolate without evidence that suggests it is reasonable to do so.
2) With much experience of teaching adolescents from 11-18 I now think that many could do with being told they are clever. As educationalists we have used positive and specific praise for so long students start to to doubt themselves eg an exceptionally intelligent young man i taught was having a crisis of confidence just before his A levels. I reassured and told him he was really clever, his reply "oh no one ever tells me that, they all just say i am working hard and i do not know if i am clever enough ....." and rather more in that vein.
At the other end of the spectrum i was teaching a student with mild learning disabilities on a post 16 course. She came bouncing in to the lesson and asked me how her work had looked. I started with my usual "you have clearly worked very hard on this, i particularly liked ....."
Her face fell, and her reply "that is what everyone says when i have done shit"
3) Op and a couple of posters on this thread make me very worried for when my own dc marry and have dgc. How would any sane person be upset by a grandparent praising a 22 month old for being clever

Carol Dweck has done lots of interesting research into this and it?s probably what some of the previous posters were thinking of. Here she explains the downsides of praising intelligence:

What are the downsides for parents using phrases like this with their children ? ?You are so smart!? and ?You are so talented!?

Dweck: ?I think the self-esteem movement really trained our society?s intuitions about how to create happy and successful kids. The idea was you could hand kids self-esteem on a silver platter by praising them, by telling them how smart and special they are, and this would set them for life and everything else good would follow. But I had already been doing research on vulnerable and resilient kids for decades and I knew it was the vulnerable ones that were focused on being smart and I worried that praising intelligence and practices like that put a spotlight on intelligence and also told kids that?s what we value you for, that?s why we admire you.
?We?ve done a long series of studies now with all ages of kids and we?ve seen that praising intelligence backfires. It puts them in a fixed mindset and not want challenges. They don?t want to risk looking stupid or risk making mistakes. Kids praised for intelligence curtail their learning in order to never make a mistake, in order to preserve the label you gave to them.
?Students praised for the process they engaged in ? their effort, their strategies, their focus, their perseverance ? these kids take on hard tasks and stick with them, even if they make lots of mistakes. They learn more in the long run.?

Some posters have made the point that the OP?s child is only 22 months old and therefore too young for it to make a difference. Here?s some research on praising pre-schoolers: www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-bin/drupalm/system/files/Suble%20linguistic%20cues%20impact%20children%27s%20motivation.pdf

Personally I think this is very interesting and it's certainly something I am trying to do with my own children BUT I think that if the OP?s child doesn?t hear this every day then it can?t do a massive amount of harm............there are many worse things.

So, I?m kind of on the fence