PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

I find it weird that OP's PIL brought up the one person in the entire world that she chose to live with and have children with - her DH has their genes and their nurturing - and yet their interaction with their much loved grandchild is going to be bad for his future mental health!
If it isn't that- and just that it irritates OP then I suggest she doesn't listen! I doubt whether the DC is irritated.

Who said I had an "awful upbringing"? I said I was labelled the "clever one" and that influenced how I saw myself, with positive and negative consequences.

Are you now changing the tune you've been singing all thread and saying that labelling a child clever is awful parenting?

Respectfully also add to those who don't seem to think its so

You actually can't really dictate how other people interact with your child unless its really harmful or nasty. Your child is part of a wider family and community and not your property.

I am guessing calling him clever and praising him won't have a negative effect on him.

Unbelievable!!

You've all read our wonderful talk guidelines right??

Back from family day out now and seen all the new posts!

Just to be clear - DS does not see PILs on a regular or day to day basis, because PILs live far enough away from us for a trip to their house to require an overnight stay.

So bearing that in mind, posters who think that their overuse of "clever" isn't going to harm DS, especially given his age, are probably right. (Although it would be good if PILs used some other, more appropriate, adjectives at least some of the time)

I'd also point out that I haven't actually said anything to PILs about this. I was asking if it would be unreasonable to bring it up. Given the responses, it's pretty clear that any attempt to bring this up would have to be handled very carefully as they'd likely think this an odd request at best and offensive at worst. And PILs are lovely people who are love DS and are generally good with him, so I don't want to upset them, particularly as we're only staying for another few days.

And I will be following the advice to model descriptive praise and hope PILs pick up on that.

It seems that many people on the thread haven't really read the OP at all.

They say that calling someone clever is not a problem, as they were called clever in and among many other compliments and that they are fine.

The OP says that 'PILs only praising DS for being "clever"' (thread title!)

They say that the OP is complaining about the GPs overpraising, and that gushing GPs is good and normal.

The OP says that It's nice that they're being positive and praising him

I think part of the problem with this thread is that people are responding to completely different things in the OP, and in many other subsequent posts.

Many of us who have said we suffered from being labelled as clever have connected with the fact that it seems to be the ONLY thing that the OP's ds (who AFAIK has no special needs or any need to be specially reassured about their intelligence) - something that he may well latch onto as he grows up.

By all means call your gc clever beautiful or even better, wonderful. I tell my children that they are wonderful all the time. Not because they have done anything (then I try to do constructive praise), but just as a way of expressing my love for them. I don't see how that can ever be damaging, and I don't think it would rub the OP up the wrong way if they did that.

But that is NOT the situation the OP is talking about!

So your children feel they have to be full of wonder all the time? I would find that quite stressful as sometimes I just don't give a shit.

Well said Liara

May I be so bold to suggest that it isn't the label "clever" alone that is harmful but the behaviour surrounding it? Calling a toddler clever by his grandparents who do not provide lots of childcare is not harmful IMHO. I'd like to see some studies that are peer reviewed and well received that prove that an infrequent childcare provider/relative calling a child "clever" will cause him problems in the future. If there is one, I will eat my words and apologise.

Shadow, next time you have any parenting issues you are pondering upon, you might want to try posting in the parenting topic instead of AIBU.

I think we have all read it properly. OP doesn't see PIL on a daily basis.'they are lovely people,love DS and are generally good with him' - what more can you ask?
Glad that you have decided not to bring it up.
Model descriptive praise is fine- something they can choose to ignore if the wish or follow if they wish.

Sorry - if they wish.
I would say exactly the same in parenting, piprabbit- she just might get less people responding.

I would say the same whatever board, in fact I often don't notice which board a thread is on

I didn't just stop at calling my children 'clever'. I liked to call them the 'cleverest' and the 'most beautiful'.......

........and my six year old son would sigh and say, 'all the mums say that about their own children'.

Yes, we don't want our children's self-worth to be confused with achievement or performance. But at the same time give them a little credit. As long as you don't confuse worth with performance, they will be fine. Meanwhile, a bit of silly adoration goes a long way.

(PS. My answer to my six year old son was 'yes, but all the other mums are wrong'.)

I hope you're all watching Child Genius.

I was told I was clever as a child, and frankly it was true. Maybe I would be marginally less lazy if I'd have been praised for effort instead but I think a much bigger part of the problem was that I found most things easier than my peers, naturally. (I have to say I definitely levelled out into averageness by adulthood!)

I don't blame my parents, relatives, teachers or peers for my laziness though... Maybe because I'm clever enough to recognise that's bleeding stupid.

Labelling a child as 'the clever one', praising them only for what they achieve on an academic level, being unreasonable in your expectations of them and pushing them to overachieve in some sort of misguided academic race, is possibly setting them up for a childhood of stress and possible mental health issues, and is a form of abuse IMO.

Telling your beloved 22 month old grandchild that he is clever because he can do whatever 22 month old children do is a completely different thing. Grandparents have done this for generations. It's unlikely any children have been harmed by this slightly over the top form of loving Grandparent speak.

Hurrah, OP

Can we all just cease now? It's got unnecessarily heated

Fukien exhausted!!