PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

You need to cut all contact with these praising bastards

Do it now, before your child becomes attached to them.

FFS

OP do you want them to say oh what an average boy you are

oh my word. Suggest you remove PFB asap. He'll be in therapy for years.

I see where you are coming from but you are over thinking this.

I worry that i tell DD she is pretty and beautiful too much. I don't want her to think that pretty matters.

But hey, there'll be enough people making them feel stupid and ugly soon enough.
Let it go.

Yabu. They're doing a normal thing. I can't imagine how you would bring it up. It would sound very weird, because it would be very weird. Please don't say anything.

t is a seriously toxic habit which will likely only get worse over time. Unless you have very little contact with them indeed, I would suggest you tackle it sooner rather than later.

Oh stop it toxic my arse

Good grief.

Toxic???

Hahahahaha!

mrsJay - quite.

Bonkers

Snort at 'average'

Well clearly some people disagree but I suggest you look up the research, it makes a lot of sense. It was in the news a few months ago.

Yabu. It is very rare for me to say I am siding with a mil but in this instance I will. Society appreciates and values clever people. Pil are not poisoning his mind. Ds is simply learning traditionally entrenched values.

At this point, I'm 100% sure that I'm going to be the in law from hell. If you can't even get a pass for saying that a toddler is clever, we dreadful old wagons have no chance.

Might as well embrace it!

Mrsjay, have you been at the receiving end of it?

It is toxic because it says 'I only love you if you are clever'. As the child does not feel that they have control over whether they are clever or not, they live in fear of doing something which might expose them as not being clever enough, and thus losing those people's love. This can be seriously paralysing.

There has been considerable research done on this, actually, so please don't be so quick to dismiss it.

I am always going on about over praising kids but FGS he is just a baby as long as YOU dont do it then that is fine but they are his grandparents they love him and they do think he is a clever boy, what do you want them to say

Ds is simply learning traditionally entrenched values.

Many others of which we would be absolutely horrified to pass on. The fact that something is traditional does not make it good!

It is toxic because it says 'I only love you if you are clever'

that is your parents to blame not the praise you obviously sadly had a unblanced childhood,

I'm always telling my grandchildren how clever they are.

Clearly I'm a terrible old hag.

I think this is not a big deal

Why is pretty girl bad but clever boy good? Honest question.

Society appreciates clever people who apply their skills and benefit society through effort. The message that you have done something well just by being born intelligent is not healthy.

But when they are praising him by calling him clever they are not really assuming he can do these things because he is super intelligent, in fact clever can be used in reference to skills unrelated to academic intelligence.

Saying "clever boy" to a small child for doing something is totally different to labelling a child as the clever one or praising their intelligence rather than effort when they are older.