PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

Well based on your posts on this thread, I rather suspect you might, yes

oh well

So, IMO whether the OP is BU or not depends on how the GPs are likely to feel about being asked to modify their behaviour.

The OP is not in doubt about the reasonableness of her belief that praise for being clever, but never for anything else is likely to be harmful - that's not the issue here.

I think it world be very rude to criticise the way the gp's speak to the OP's dd. Beyond rude.

But it's Ok now as the OP accepted that she was probably BU.

Monica did you mean to be so rude?

OP, how about YOU praise him as you want to and let your PILs do it their way? They love him and look after him well. It's actually none of your business and you don't have the monopoly on your child. If you don't want them to back away from time with your child, keep quiet.

Dd has been surrounded by grandparents, aunties and uncles who are constantly telling her she is the smartest, bravest, most beautiful, strongest, best, fantastic genius that ever lived, we add to it so she thinks the sun shines out of her arse as all toddlers should.

Complements only become a problem when the children become older and are wrongly praised and lied to. Obviously constantly telling an average brained child that they are a supergenius that doesn't need to work as hard as others because of their greatness is setting them up for failure and a huge complex but slightly exaggerating by telling them that they are very smart and they can do anything if they work very hard will encourage them to work very hard, as a result get smarter and increase their possibilities.

You have to give complements to build their confidence but in an age appropriate way. Toddlers just need to hear they're fantastic and be encouraged to explore the world, as they get older complements need to be honest and adapted to pointing out their strengths and giving them genuine confidence and pride in themselves, their abilities and their achievements.

But OP's are only praised by the GP for being clever, apparently. That's what the OP has a problem with.

It is a bonkers thread.
The child has loving parents and grandparents- whether they say 'clever DC' or not really doesn't matter.
Children need the basics of food, shelter etc, love, security and time. Parents and grandparents who are relaxed in each others company and have a sense of humour is far more important than worrying about whether one set do things differently.
I parent very differently from my brother- is my mother supposed to fit in with both when she has them altogether? Seriously? Luckily she does her own thing.
OP also only has one child, if she has more than one she will discover they are all different and what works with one doesn't work with another.

If I get to be a granny I am resolved never to put forward my opinion unasked, never to take over and just to smile and nod if they have 'odd' ideas.

However I think it very rude to tell me how to talk to children when I was studying child psychology ten years before they were born and have had decades of talking to children to literally hundreds of children!
I shall do my own thing.

For what it is worth, I agree with OP- my point is that parents can't control their child's environment- so there is no point in trying.

cory

I agree with you.

Rude, no. Genuinely astonished and massively disbelieving with a huge dose of added (sarcasm/irony?), yes.

As I (and many others) have said already, overpraise from grandparents (who see their GC infrequently) is a non problem. Age appropriate praise is perfectly fine.

For an adult to blame overpraise during childhood for their current troubles is (IMO) a touch of 'victim mentality'.

A constant degrading of self esteem / worth affecting you in later life I can sympathise with, absolutely.

For an adult to blame overpraise during childhood for their current troubles is (IMO) a touch of 'victim mentality'.

No-one. Is. Talking. About. Overpraise.

Wow is this thread still going?

zora .. You have summed up perfectly how I feel about it all.

Another note on effort only praise ...

I am good at organising. As a project manager I should be good at this and expect to fulfil my role well. If I arranged a training session or a conference and the feedback was "I can really see how hard you tried there ted" I would be pretty disappointed. And demotivated.

I am lovely, thank you! I have been told that often. Please don't infer that I'm not though, as it may upset me.

allnew you have an exceedingly condescending way about you, I have noticed that in many posts in this thread. I am merely saying that an infrequent influence in a child's life does not a dysfunctional adult make.

If a child was constantly told they were clever whilst growing up, and subsequently realised that they were not as clever as they were led to believe, then at some point in adulthood they should be able to accept that and move on, no?

I haven't read most of the thread and someone may already have said this, but could the GPs possibly be saying 'clever' all the time because they're trying to find an alternative to 'good' as a term of praise? We don't see a lot of my parents and ILs (different country), but hearing them praise my toddler for being 'good' when he eats his lunch, walks up the stairs, does a dirty nappy etc etc is also pretty illogical, when you think about it, if you think of goodness as a moral quality. But what really stands out for me is that all four of them (working class Irish people in their seventies) use 'bold' as their most common negative comment on child behaviour.

then at some point in adulthood they should be able to accept that and move on, no?

Another Queen of the Mental Health Board in the making there. It's all so very easy and simple, isn't it! If only I'd known.

The irony is I don't think I'd have felt the need to keep going on about my experience with labels quite so much if people hadn't kept responding with daft things like "What a load of shit", "Get a grip" etc etc. I just don't understand if you have no experience of this problem why you'd even bother to form that view.

If the only thing you are ever praised for as a child is quality X, and as an adult you realise you don't possess any X at all, actually ... that isn't necessarily something you're just going to be able to shrug off.

Agree with exoticfruits in her last post.

I think some parents are so rude. It's all very well to demand that we don't get given advice unasked for now, that our parenting must not be disparaged in the slightest way, nor must we be told how things were 'in the olden days', but that works the other way around too.

Mutual respect between parents and grandparents and accept that neither knows better than the other, they must peacefully and hopefully, happily, co-exist.

My mother would certainly put me straight if I were to say half the things that some here say they do. I actually don't believe most of what I read here, and mentally replace the words "I told her how it's going to be" with, "If I had any gumption - and an actual reason for being cross - I would have said...".

I think, as with every childhood problem, big and small, everybody is in different stages of shrugging off. But whatever problem you've had, and however functionally over it you are, you're going to remain interested in the problem, aware it exists etc. And be drawn to threads about it, I guess. "Moving on" from something doesn't mean the problem disappears as if it never was, it just means it's not so much a problem any more.

Somebody mentioned overcoming the effects of the clever label by about 30 - that sounds about right to me. Not enough to fuck your life, easily enough to mess with your education and early career choices.

Actually, MadBusLady I was the "clever" one growing up, my sister was the fun one, I spent a while striving to be the best (top of class etc) - realised I wasn't then continued to try to be the best.

I can accept that as long as I be the best I can be, then that is good enough.

"Queen of the mental health board"? This isn't the mental health board, this is AIBU, and I happen to find a few posts on here unreasonable. To live a life bemoaning over praise (or being told you are clever) is, frankly, ridiculous (IMO).

I was praised for lots of qualities I had as a child. For cleverness, sense of humour, prettiness. (and my parents were always quick to point out my shortcomings too).
Come the adolescence and let me tell you, I realised that I wasn't that pretty, and certainly not the cleverest.
I got over it, it certainly wasn't my parents fault. You grow up and you learn that you are part of a group, where your personal qualities aren't always the most sparkling.

But what really stands out for me is that all four of them (working class Irish people in their seventies) use 'bold' as their most common negative comment on child behaviour.

When you meet a couple more Irish people, you'll be amazed to find that we all say that.

x post with madbus, I actually agree with your last paragraph wholeheartedly. (the getting over this sort of thing by 30ish).