PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

Maybe just accept that adoring grandparents are a wonderful addition to a child's life and let them get on with it.

I understand that piprabbit, but I don't think it is primarily the grandparents' job to convey useful information about the child: I think that is the job of the parents and the teachers.

Some threads end up reading like the parents are going to parent how they like, the grandparents are going to do exactly what they want and heaven forbid that either lot sit down with others to share some ideas.

If a father and mother can collaborate when raising a child, I don't see why grandparents can't also be involved too.

FFS this is getting ridiculous people!

He's 22 months - keep some perspective please.

I think it's perfectly normal, acceptable and not in the least bit toxic or damaging to praise a toddler by saying they're clever. Don't go projecting ridiculous theories about how damaged this will make him. IME the "clever boy" stuff tails off when kids get a bit older anyway as parents, GPs etc can conduct more grown up and normal conversations with them.

I praised both my DCs (as I'm sure many others do) in exactly the same way WHEN THEY WERE TODDLERS. I honestly can't remember the last time I said that to either of them as praise is always more specific and effort related now.

YABVU - here's your much needed grip.

This is the most depressing OP for a long while.

I tell ds1 he has a 'special brain' because he really, really has. He is incredibly intelligent. He is also small, skinny, wears glasses, rubbish at sport, can't balance for toffee. So yes, I praise him at something I know, and HE KNOWS, he really is good at to give him confidence.

Clever as a term of praise means to me you have achieved something to the very best of your ability. Whatever that ability is.

YABU.

"This is the most depressing OP for a long while"

Really - all the threads on family members being terminally ill, dying, relationships failing, affairs, depression, mential illess. But this is the most depressing

I take your point and apologise.

It hit a nerve for me about worries and concerns I have for my child, but yes I agree I was wrong to say that.

Of course they can be involved, piprabbit; I just don't think they should necessarily be expected to provide the same aspects.

I think it is useful for children to learn from the start that not everybody does things the same.

My poor mother has had to entertain four sets of grandchildren at the same time; she would have been driven to distraction if we had insisted that she had to follow separate rules for every set. Thankfully she put her foot down from the start.

I am now getting rather keen to see some links to these studies. Come on folks- where are they?

Or are they going to prove as elusive as the supposed legislation which forbids you to leave your 10yo at home when you pop out to the corner (frequently quoted on MN, non-existent in RL)?

Well, if he's being clever, he's being clever. YABU

tedmundo I don't think you're wrong to tell your child how clever he is. But I guess that needs to be balanced with his other attributes so he doesn't tie up his whole self worth on just being clever? For example if his "thing" is being uber intelligent, how will he feel when he comes second in a test etc? Also in the world of work most often intelligence isn't the most valued/important attribute. So making sure he is aware of other strengths he has is very important I think. Otherwise when all the exams are finished there is a risk he has nothing else to "hang his hat on" if you see what I mean.

I'm really not being critical, I'm only talking from personal experience. My parents did nothing wrong in particular, but the "clever one" label did very much guide how I saw myself, which had both positive and negative consequences. I cringe now when I see DH's family and DSS's other family label eldest DSS the "clever one". He doesn't even do better than DSS2 in exams, but he has been labelled the "clever one" and that is that. He has not a single idea that many other attributes are essential in future success.

He's 22 months - keep some perspective please.

for crying out yes to he is a toddler his grandparents love him they obviously think he is a clever boy . This thread is very long now has anybody suggested what the GP should say to the grandchild they love, when they are talking to him,

MY mil used to say ooo clever girl to the DDs when they brought up wind after a feed, their esteems are in tact

goes to MRSDV Bollocks indeed

Cory Carol Dweck's profile is linked to above. Here is the link again, with publications on her profile. I thought this one was particularly interesting as it's a meta-analysis of several other studies.

mrsjay you are aware that threads develop and posters can talk to one another on a thread without you, the self-proclaimed mumsnet police, telling them to get perspective?

allnew .. Wow you are making a whole pile of assumptions about my parenting there. Please don't.

He is, of course, praised and encouraged for a whole variety of actions.

But in all honesty, if I started praising him for (almost) catching a ball he would think I was taking the piss.

Because he is clever!

Same here, allnew, my parents never hot-housed or over-scheduled me, or were classic pushy parents in an academic sense. But they did (well-meaningly) give me the idea that "being clever" was my thing that I could do, it was one of their default praise words, they listened out for anything I did that could be called "clever". And they partly did it to boost my confidence because I wasn't as good as other things (like socialising).

I continue to be puzzled by the vehemence with which e.g. MrsDeVere and mrsjay want my experience and the other similar experiences discussed here not to exist.

what assumption(s) did I make tedmundo. I said you weren't wrong and didn't opine one way or the other on what else you way to him. I give my personal view on what I think is a balanced way based on my own experiences. I didn't say whether you were doing this, or something else.

For example I said "I guess that needs to be balanced with his other attributes". I didn't say you weren't doing this (after all how would I know?). Please don't accuse me of criticising your parenting when I haven't.

But in all honesty, if I started praising him for (almost) catching a ball he would think I was taking the piss.

Why, out of interest? As you said yourself, it's about achieving something to the best of your ability, no matter what that ability is. If he tries hard to catch a ball, thinks about why it's not working, gets nearer to catching it, manages it one time in ten, that's surely something you would praise.

toxic? I have toxic inlaws, they refused to come to our wedding because it wasn't in their home town. They kicked my husband out aged 17 having discovered he was secretly taking A Levels at night classes when they wouldn't let him stay on at school. (He got 5 As by the way)

Funny how in the Doghouse, praise is encouraged yet on AIBU you can get told off for praising a child! Another thread that is either barmy or a wind up, I don't care which, it still makes me giggle.