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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say don't let your young child go to the toilet alone

325 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 24/06/2013 13:36

Today in a fast food restaurant I saw a lady with a child of around 3/4 who wanted to go to the toilets that were situated upstairs she said she didn't want to go (she had no other kids) with her and let him go alone, am I BU to say I wanted to shake some sense into her?? I suppose I'm more aware of it as I've seen cases of assault on young children in public toilets through my line of work but I would've thought most people wouldn't do it, I am ready to be corrected!

OP posts:

ArbitraryUsername · 25/06/2013 09:12

Honestly amazingmumof6, he's statistically at much more risk at choir practice than in the toilets while you are out.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:13

yes curlew, if he went out with friends I'd tell him to pee in a bottle so I can check volume colour and smell for my records

really, really you think I would tell him to not go to the loo? ? honestly, thanks for making me laugh, I had a shit night, I needed that

curlew · 25/06/2013 09:18

"I would not let my 12 yesr old do that.
and trust me, I don't helicopter parent!"

You said that earlier. And you said that your dh goes to the loo with him when you're out.

So it's reasonable to assume that you wouldn't want him using a public loo if he was out without you.......

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:18

what do you all mean about "going to the toilet on his own"?

he goes in, does his business, comes out.
I don't go in with him.....but I want to know where the loo is so I can see if he's come ou yet or not.

McDonald's - I won't even get up, I know where he will go.

Airport - DH would take him or I'd stand outside the door.

anything in between depends on the situation and he gets maximum freedom to suit.

I really can't say this any clearer.

cory · 25/06/2013 09:23

I still think if he is not yet going out unsupervised in town or elsewhere, you should maybe start gently engineering situations where he does get to practise this. It's just one of those life skills that young teens need.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:24

no airbitary in a sense he is at more risk, as the choir is at a very touristy palace.

but yet he's ok, coz the toilet is right next to the choir practice room and although anyone could walk in it says no exit, private on the outside door of the corridor.
it never occurred to me to think about that tbh.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:25

cory you are right, read all your posts, sorry for not replying.

I'll ask him today.

seriously it has never come up.

curlew · 25/06/2013 09:28

Oh, bloody hell, the poor kid won't be allowed to go to the loo at choir practice now.........

ArbitraryUsername · 25/06/2013 09:32

Thing is, he's at more risk from whoever is in charge of the choir than from some random stranger in a very touristy palace. But you are more worried that someone might follow him in to the toilets.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:33

yescurlew that's the spirit!

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:34

ok arb coz you know their choir master so well. or the situation.

ArbitraryUsername · 25/06/2013 09:37

But amazing: it is the people you think you know so well that are most likely to abuse children, simply because people trust them with their children. The risk of being abused by a stranger is considerably smaller.

If you are going to risk manage your children's lives, then it helps if you calculate the risks properly.

LondonMan · 25/06/2013 09:43

my exh left my then 18 month old dd with a random person in Macdonalds one time

If he selected the random person, rather than them volunteering, then statistically they are no more likely to be an abuser than he was. Less likely, if female.

This is nothing like the situatiuon of leaving a child alone in the toilet, because the stranger there is not "random", if he has gone there specifically to find victims.

Scruffey · 25/06/2013 09:49

I'm not sure that much independence is gained from going to public toilets alone. When I was a child, there was a local case of an 8yo boy who was raped in a supermarket toilet. Another assault took place in the toilets at our park. My mum was terrified and never let me or my siblings go to public toilets alone ever (I mean even until we were 18). It has really not done me any harm not to use public toilets on my own and I am obviously perfectly capable of doing it as an adult or deciding not to! I wonder what these magic skills are that children learn from going to public toilets alone!?

Fakebook · 25/06/2013 09:51

I'd like to know who these potty trained 3/4 year olds are and what divine mothering skills their Mums have used that means they can take their bottoms off AND hop onto the toilet/reach up to the toilet or urinal and wee without any accidents, wipe themselves AND reach up to the sinks to wash their hands! Even my 5 year old sometimes needs help undoing her trouser buttons. Amazing.

Also, going to the loo is quite a group thing. When we're out we normally use the toilets together at the same time so I can understand why a 12 year old would still use the toilets with their parent when out.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:52

arb seriously, you don't know who you are talking about.

I don't worry about the abuse bit terribly, as you say it isn't that likely, although we probably all think about that. and it is better to be safevthan sorry.
I really don't understand what is wrong with keeping an eye on them.

but it's more in terms of just knowing where they are, that they are ok.
in case they need help
in case the door lock breaks and they get stuck ( tick)
or they have diarrhoea and you need to go in to help them clean up ( tick)
or if they start a piss fight ( tick)
or whatever.

if I wasn't there eventually things would get sorted. but if I'm there why would I not keep an eye on them?

curlew · 25/06/2013 09:55

Amazing- you have changed your tune a bit!

Your first post was in reference to the OP, and you said you would "never let your 12 year old do that" and that you "never let him out of your sight in a busy place"

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:58

fakebook and scruffey I'm glad that you can see what I mean.

I think you both phrased it better.

anyway. my baby's ripping the toileting paper to tiny shreds and eating some of it. It's fun to watch, but I'd better go and tidy up

ArbitraryUsername · 25/06/2013 10:01

I really do not worry about my children starting a piss fight in any toilets.

SamuelWestsMistress · 25/06/2013 10:04

Well, I don't believe all public toilets have paedophiles or child abductors lurking in them so I happily let mine do it on their own as soon as they can wipe their own bottoms and be trusted not to make a mess and wash properly, which I guess is around 4/5.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 10:08

yes curlew as in reply to OP's situation.
"I don't let them out of sight" is perhaps a bit strongly phrased, I will watch the door where they went in or at least the direction of it. so I'm aware where they are.
that is what I was trying to say.

if I'm downstairs in an unfamiliar restaurant and they go upstairs I don't have to see where they are, but prefer to and I would definitely want to be aware where they are, but that doesn't mean I hold their hands all the time.

if you don't want to understand what I mean I can't explain it any better.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 10:13

curlew I said I would not let him, not I would never let him.
big difference.

not let him -reply to OP

never let him- insane

pinkballetflats · 25/06/2013 10:22

Doesn't it depend on the child? There's no way mine would have been capable at 3-4 ( not taking into account a 3-4 year old going up a level on their own and completely out of sight) Id hope a 12 year old could fend for themselves. Some have mentioned 6, but mine still wouldn't have been capable then.

pinkballetflats · 25/06/2013 10:26

Actually, Im wrong there...I did start letting DC go at six...but only if I could see the toilet door from were I was and it was the ladies.

At 8.5 I've started letting DC use the mens...but still only if the door is within my sight.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 10:47

for the last time my boys go to the mens. on their own or with dad, depending on child and age and situation.
they don't go to the ladies.

if I have to go, the younger ones come with me, the older ones wait outside.

I want to know where they are and prefer to see them or where they went, be aware where they are.
And most of the people I know do the same.

pink ballet that's what I meant by "within sight"

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