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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say don't let your young child go to the toilet alone

325 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 24/06/2013 13:36

Today in a fast food restaurant I saw a lady with a child of around 3/4 who wanted to go to the toilets that were situated upstairs she said she didn't want to go (she had no other kids) with her and let him go alone, am I BU to say I wanted to shake some sense into her?? I suppose I'm more aware of it as I've seen cases of assault on young children in public toilets through my line of work but I would've thought most people wouldn't do it, I am ready to be corrected!

OP posts:
cory · 25/06/2013 08:22

amazingmumof6 Tue 25-Jun-13 08:20:07
"in public, in busy places I don't let them out of my sight.
my DH goes with them to the toilet to surpervise them and look after them, but not to wipe their butts

is that clearer?"

What- a 12yo????

Someone who is going to be an adult man in 6 years time and have to make his own way in the world???

If you now come back and tell us he has severe SN, that will be drip feeding of the worst kind.

curlew · 25/06/2013 08:23

So does your 12 year old never go out on his own anywhere?

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 08:36

James Bulger rings a bell? his mother takes his brother everywhere, and most people understand her.
I don't want any chidren of mine to be hurt in any way before I'm understood.

if DH is not there, I wait outside the gents. not sit downstairs as in OP.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 08:36

curlew

nope

curlew · 25/06/2013 08:42

How does he get to school?

Sallystyle · 25/06/2013 08:47

Amazing you are the definition of a helicopter parent.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 08:50

that's not "going out" to me.

he walks to the bus stop and gets on school bus.

he doesn't have SN

you are all up in arms like it's the worst thing to do to watch your kids when in busy places. WTAF?

of course he could leave and go to upstairs toilet in a restaurant if he wanted to, but it's a habit, that they all go with dad.
it's easier to make 1trip to the loo for 5 people then 2 or 3 trips.

anyway, I gave my opinion.
this thread is not about me though

cory · 25/06/2013 08:51

Could you confirm again, Amazing, that you are actually talking about a 12year old???

Somebody who will most likely be moving from home in 6 years time to fend for himself.

Somebody who will be allowed to marry or join the army in 6 years time.

Somebody whom it is your job to prepare for adult life.

And you are saying he is never allowed out of sight of an adult.

So how are you doing your job of preparing him?

curlew · 25/06/2013 08:52

So he never goes out after school with his friends? Never?Sad

And what if only 1 of the 5 people need the loo- do they all go mob handed even then?

cory · 25/06/2013 08:53

But amazingmum, surely he needs to practise all sorts of risk assessment skills if he is to be safe to go into the world on his own? He needs to be out on his own with his mates, learn to find his way about town, learn to make decisions without consulting an adult. When do you intend to let him start?

I am a university lecturer. I see students who arrive in a strange and dangerous town having never practised these skills. They are not safe.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 08:56

it's hard to keep an eye on 6 kids, so I prefer to know where they are.

better be safe than sorry.
hardly helicopter parenting - but you don't know me, so it's mighty ignorant to label me with that based on one aspect of what I do.

pffft

exoticfruits · 25/06/2013 08:57

I was a single parent of a DS- he wouldn't go in the ladies once he was about 6- there was no choice- he had no father to accompany him. You have to assess risk and get them to assess risk and do 'what if.............' scenarios. It is very damaging to get them thinking 'it is a big bad world and only mother can protect you'. They end up either being scared of normal life or cutting the apron strings in a dramatic way as soon as possible.
The parent's job isn't easy- you 'give them roots and you give them wings' and you don't clip the wings.

Sallystyle · 25/06/2013 08:58

Well, I think not allowing a 12 year old to go to the toilet alone in public is doing him a huge disservice.

It's quite worrying actually.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 25/06/2013 08:59

Blimeyheck.

You are going to have one hell of a screwed up adult on your hands amazing.

curlew · 25/06/2013 09:00

"hardly helicopter parenting - but you don't know me, so it's mighty ignorant to label me with that based on one aspect of what I do."

How do you define helicopter parenting?

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:00

curlew no he doesn't go out with friends.
he could go if he wanted to but it's not come up yet.

he is busy with choir practice and piano 3 evenings in the week. plus there's homework and bloody minecraft

Sallystyle · 25/06/2013 09:01

I have five kids, yes it's hard to keep an eye on them all.

What does that have to do with not allowing a 12 year old to go to the toilet alone in public?

Mine go to the toilet, come straight back. No big deal.

curlew · 25/06/2013 09:02

Does he ever go to the loo while at choir practice?

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:02

exotic he does not go to the ladiesShock

carw to read my posts?

curlew · 25/06/2013 09:02

And if he did go out with friends, would you tell him he wasn't allowed to go to the loo?

cory · 25/06/2013 09:02

amazingmumof6 Tue 25-Jun-13 08:56:03
"it's hard to keep an eye on 6 kids, so I prefer to know where they are.

better be safe than sorry.
hardly helicopter parenting - but you don't know me, so it's mighty ignorant to label me with that based on one aspect of what I do."

We are not labelling you on this one aspect: we are asking for more information and you are not giving it. Once again:

do you allow him to go out on his own with his mates?

do you allow him to go on shopping trips or to the cinema unsupervised so he can practise coping skills?

what if he has a girlfriend- would he be allowed to go to town with her and if so, who would be taking her to the loo?

what about school field trips- you don't seriously imagine a teacher goes with a bunch of 12yos into the loo, do you?

exoticfruits · 25/06/2013 09:05

I know he doesn't go in the ladies but neither does he go to the gents alone-.

cory · 25/06/2013 09:06

Sorry, cross-posted, amazing. So he doesn't go out to any unsupervised activities.

Does he know that you would let him if he asked? Or is he not asking because he thinks you would not approve?

If he doesn't ask I wouldn't wait that much longer before I started engineering situations where he needs to look out for himself. Send him to the shops for you; buy him a cinema ticket.

He has only got a limited number of years to practise in: he wants to be confident before he starts out in life on his own.

amazingmumof6 · 25/06/2013 09:09

I don't think I'm explaining myself well enough as not only my statements seem to be misunderstood, but picked apart and being carried away.

It's boring me now and I have 2 sick kids to look after.

btw when you have 6 children it is impossible to helicopter parent. even if I wanted to, which I don't. Wink

ArbitraryUsername · 25/06/2013 09:11

But one of the big issues here is that people are calculating the risks all wrong. The vast majority of child abuse happens to children in private places and is perpetrated by people they and their parents trust. Yet, everyone is panicking about children in public spaces where they are much less likely to be abused. If the concerns were really aligned to the risk of child abuse, people would never leave their child alone with any family member (including their husband/partner) and presumably their husbands and partners should also refuse to leave the child alone with them. Presumably they never send their children to school or childcare or friends houses either.

It worries me that anyone wouldn't let a 12 year old go to the toilet on their own. At what point do you stop accompanying them? Will you will be insisting on going along with them at 17 (after all, they're still not an adult)? Are you going to say 'no' if they ask to go to the cinema with their friends because they might go to the toilet or because there has been a report of a 12 year old assaulted in a cinema?