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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my ds away from other children because of this?

116 replies

bubbawubba · 22/06/2013 20:13

My ds is 3 next week. He has been going through a phase of pushing, hitting and slapping other children for about 3 months now. Usually when he does it I take him home, do time out etc. I figured he would grow out of it in time. Within the last two weeks, he has progressed to biting. Badly. He bit a friends dd a few days ago on her upper arm which drew blood and she now has an infection which requires antibiotics. I feel so utterly dreadful about this, I ask him why he bites and he says he doesn't know, he just does it. I've cancelled his party (he threw a massive tantrum when i told him but tough) because I can't constantly watch what he's doing and i would hate for this to happen again. I suspect he was bitten by another child at some point which is where he has learnt it from. I feel our only option is to keep him away from other children until he stops. AIBU?

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 22/06/2013 20:15

Yabu!! Cancelled his party?

This is a normal phase, it will pass. Poor little chap, no party

monicalewinski · 22/06/2013 20:21

A completely normal phase; unfortunately it happens, you've just got to keep on top of it - tell him off when he does it, but don't focus too much on it. Wouldn't have cancelled his party myself as that's a bit much (I think) but I understand why you've reached the end of you tether. It will pass eventually, let him have his party poor thing.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 22/06/2013 20:22

fgs, all children go through phases like this. He's far too young to understand a punishment like cancelling his party.

How is he going to learn how to behave around other children if you never let him be around other children? You just need to keep a close eye on him for a while and jump in when things are getting heated. Praising him when he's playing nicely will have a lot more effect at that age than whisking him away whenever he does something wrong. He probably down't even really understand why he's being removed and is getting stressed as every time he plays with other children Mommy ends up jumping in, getting cross and taking him away.

ReluctantBeing · 22/06/2013 20:24

It is a normal phase. Cancelling the party is extremely harsh.

HenriettaPye · 22/06/2013 20:24

You cancelled his party?? Sorry OP but that's too far- he is 3 years old fgs!!!

lougle · 22/06/2013 20:28

bubbawubba, we all make rash decisions when we're very stressed.

Reinstate the party. It won't make a blind bit of difference. If you feel stressed about it, ask a trusted adult to keep a close eye on your DS at all times so that you can do the drinks/food/entertainment without trying to split yourself in two.

Manage contact by looking for signs your DS is getting overwhelmed.

iamadoozermum · 22/06/2013 20:28

DS3 also went through a bitey stage earlier this year, he was 3 in January. He drew blood from his older brothers a few times and once from me. He still makes a move as if he is about to bite but manages to stop himself before he gets too close and he growls instead - it's quite cute, but obviously we don't let on about that. Your DS didn't necessarily learn it from someone else biting him, DS3 didn't get bitten by anyone else. It can be something that comes from frustration and tiredness and they also learn that it gets a reaction.

As HeySoulSister says, it's a normal stage and I'm not sure that he'll quite get the link between biting and not having a party. So that seems a bit harsh.

sunshinesue · 22/06/2013 20:29

Whoa! Op is just trying her best to resolve a very difficult situation. I don't know what the answer is but I can't imagine the comments above help much. Good luck op, hope the situation improved soon.

sparkle12mar08 · 22/06/2013 20:29

Oh come one, I'm a heartless mum when it comes to deserved punishments, but this is beyond unreasonable, it's actually irrational. Your son will have no true concept of why your cancelled his birthday party by the time the day comes around. You don't have any moral highground by doing so. It's crazy.

Original poster

bubbawubba · 22/06/2013 20:30

Ive not cancelled his party as punishment I cancelled it because there are 15 children coming and i would have to follow him around the entire time. We'll do something else for him. I am just so mortified that this little girl got an infection. Whether biting is a normal phase or not its my responsibilty to ensure he doesnt hurt other children.

OP posts:

LingDiLong · 22/06/2013 20:30

I can totally understand why you've reacted like this; despite it being a fairly normal phase the fact that your friend's DD was so badly hurt must have made you feel dreadful and really, really shaken up. I don't think cancelling the party is such an awful thing to do to be honest, I would still do a treat for him on his birthday though, something lower key where he can be very closely supervised.

YABU unreasonable to keep him away from other kids totally though, it's just not feasible and won't help in the long run. Have you identified any triggers you can avoid though?

apostropheuse · 22/06/2013 20:31

fgs, all children go through phases like this

Actually not all children go through phases like this. They really don't.

OP You're trying your best to deal with a very difficult situation. Yes I agree that it's a step too far too cancel the party, but I think removing your child when he is causing distress and pain to other children is absolutely the right thing to do.

I totally understand how you feel about the little girl being badly bitten and needing antibiotics. I'm sure many people wouldn't be very understanding if that happened to their child.

Keeping him away from other children won't teach him how to behave around other children.

PrettyKitty1986 · 22/06/2013 20:32

So...follow him round then.

I think yabvvu. Cancelling a 3 year olds party because they're going through a stage that makes him need a bit more supervision? Can't see why tbh.

HeySoulSister · 22/06/2013 20:32

'We' ?? So there would be two of you able to watch him at his party? At least

hazeyjane · 22/06/2013 20:32

Would you have any help with the party? I'm guessing the other parents will be there, do you think you could get someone to help if you don't think you can keep enough of an eye on him?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 22/06/2013 20:33

I agree with the others, he's too young for that type of punishment. I doubt that cancelling will have the desired effect of stopping him biting in future. Biting is a response to a situation that some young children go through because their thought processes are still very immature. When he says he doesn't know why he bites he is being honest.

CloudsAndTrees · 22/06/2013 20:34

I think cancelling the party because you are too worried about what could happen, rather than as a punishment, is fine, and probably the right thing to do.

Your ds needs to be around other children, but for now it is probably best for that to happen in environments where you can keep close control over him.

Biting is a fairly normal thing for some children to go through, but drawing blood enough for a wound to become infected is quite extreme. You are doing the right thing, and he will grow out of it, but it's still good that you are sending the message that it's not acceptable.

ll31 · 22/06/2013 20:36

Yabu, in fact you're beyond unreasonable. Poor boy.

Original poster

bubbawubba · 22/06/2013 20:37

Its not punishment. Its because i just cant face it happening again. I feel really shaken up but what happened and i dont know how to stop it. At soft play on thursday, i was prising him off another boy (no injury thankfully) Im fine to supervise and watch him constantly but i feel that currently, having 15 children over would be too much. He tends to do it more when in situations where there are lots of other children.

OP posts:

RikeBider · 22/06/2013 20:38

Biting is normal/common in younger children, but I would be concerned about the ferocity of the biting and the hitting and slapping in a 3 year old. I used to manage a 2-3s unit in a nursery and would say biting is a fairly uncommon behaviour in a 3 year old.

I think you have done the right thing in cancelling the party, but also need to look at what is causing the violent reactions/outbursts.

babyhmummy01 · 22/06/2013 20:38

Personally I think cancelling the party is a good idea if you are not sure you can trust him with other kids esp as you say you will do something else with him.

Sometimes kids don't understand that biting hurts, at the risk of being flamed I would very gently bite him back when he next does it. It certainly worked wonders on the kid who bit my sister when we were kids.

RhondaJean · 22/06/2013 20:39

One of my children went through this phase one didn't.

Cancelling the party is disproportionate as a punishment, and even if it's not a punishment you need to get him round other children so he can learn to deal with it. If it means you need up follow him around them that is what you do.

Parenting is hard work sometimes.

JesuslovesmethisIknow · 22/06/2013 20:39

I can understand why you cancelled the party. Too stressful to watch him and you can do something with him instead!

Original poster

bubbawubba · 22/06/2013 20:40

I understand that children this age have very little impulse control. I also wonder whether he gets really overwhelmed in busy, chaotic situations like soft play etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

bubbawubba · 22/06/2013 20:41

Rhondajean im well aware that parenting is hard work As i said, im happy to follow him around, its what i do anyway.

OP posts:

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