To keep my ds away from other children because of this?

[bubbawubba]

My ds is 3 next week. He has been going through a phase of pushing, hitting and slapping other children for about 3 months now. Usually when he does it I take him home, do time out etc. I figured he would grow out of it in time. Within the last two weeks, he has progressed to biting. Badly. He bit a friends dd a few days ago on her upper arm which drew blood and she now has an infection which requires antibiotics. I feel so utterly dreadful about this, I ask him why he bites and he says he doesn't know, he just does it. I've cancelled his party (he threw a massive tantrum when i told him but tough) because I can't constantly watch what he's doing and i would hate for this to happen again. I suspect he was bitten by another child at some point which is where he has learnt it from. I feel our only option is to keep him away from other children until he stops. AIBU?

[Herhonesty]

I do feel for you, I think it's very stressful to have a child whose behaviour pushes you the absolute limits. I would start afresh and "reintegrate" him with children whose parents you know we'll enough to get their support com so you don't feel constantly on edge and have a very clear "discipline" routine when things go wrong that you stick to no matter what. I think there are more parents than you think who will be totally sympathetic if you say to them prior to a play date " x has these problems which we are working through" I think that will take the sting out of your reaction which is perhaps bundled up in just the horror and the embarrassment of it all.

Maybe just have a small tea party on the day?

[Pimpf]

Yanbu. If you were the mother of the child who'd been bitten, plenty on here would be saying that the child's mother shouldn't take them to places where he / she might bite. Well well done cos that's what your doing!

Just to reassure you, It is a phase and it will pass.

[Mumsyblouse]

Sounds like you have made the right decision, given it's not just the biting but the pushing hitting etc as well, why stress him and you out? I wouldn't go on about it though, the decision's been made, now think of a lovely treat for him which is likely to lead to a positive fun day out (perhaps with one other child) on his birthday.

[qualitytoffee]

pig talks sense
not does not.

[christinarossetti]

It sounds very sensible not to create extra stress by having a party imvho.

My ds went through a pinching stage, which started literally the day he turned 2 and stopped a year to the day later. He definitely did it when he was overwhelmed with a situation or wanted to get out of somewhere. I absolutely agree that strategic planning to prevent biting/pinching etc is the first course of action.

A badge, balloon, slice of cake and a rendition of 'happy birthday to you' is plenty for a 3 year old.

[pigletmania]

What me quality, thanks , usually i talk utter bilge. For some Chidren a party is not enjoyable but a stress, mabey a small one with a few children or just family. It's not like your going to have a scrooge atstic birthday just because teir is no party . There are so many things you can do to mark his special,day

[pigletmania]

15 children is a lot for him as you said that he finds parties overwhelming. Just explain the situation to those tat you have invited

[qualitytoffee]

pig no you don't, you've nailed it chick x
I ask my 17 year old, do you remember your 3rd birthday? He looks at me like this..
but when my son was was 3, it was very important to mark it, but, he was awful with other children, he was a wee terror, and it was nana and nanda and family only with a cake and his presents.

[qualitytoffee]

sorry, he looks at me like this..[hmmm]

[pigletmania]

Thanks quality , dd hates them and for her it's not a treat and it might not be for op ds at the moment

[Tinpin]

My sister was a biter. I was her constant victim and remember how much it hurt. In the end my mother bit her. She never did it again. Finally SHE realised how much it hurt. Oh I know how much everybody will frown on this today. My sister grew into a normal adult and seems unafraid that my mother now in her eighties will give her a bite if they have a disagreement!

[dontgowadingin]

Yanbu

I would be pissed of if my child got bitten by some one who was going through a 'bitey phase' And their parents over looked it . You have done the right thing . Not all kids do it ether. My dd didn't do it.

[cory]

Had the other children been invited when you cancelled the party? Because if so, I hope you explained to them what they had done wrong to be out of a treat they may have been looking forward to with a great deal of excitement.

Have painful memories of dd crying hysterically for hours because a friend of mine used party cancellation in a similar way to discipline her daughter.

Removing a biting child from a party he is at (even if it happens to be his own party) is imo very different from telling all the other guests that they have been removed from the party. They won't know what they've done.

[Rosehassometoes]

My son has (touch wood) recently grown out of this. He did it approx 5 times between ages 2 and 3. It's not happened for months now.

Triggers
Overstimulated/overwhelmed
Excited
Tired
Tussle over a toy- only when defending what was his not
to take

What I did
Stopped going to playgroup and soft play as the noise and business seemed to trigger and harder to police.
Went to farm parks, stately homes(!) and parks instead.

Followed him around all the time closely. This meant that I didn't get to chat to friends and could be a bit embarrassing in group outings. So we often went with 1 friend/alone so I could concentrate on DS and not have to hold a conversation too.

Only invited 1 friend over at a time and removed his favourite tractor beforehand.
Removed him from activity if he bit (this was as he was 2-3) at 3 we'd be going home. I'd also introduce a reward system for any positive outings (and explain the 'no biting' before) eg trip to park/ice cream/coin for money box.

YANBU if he celebrates in a different way.

[livinginwonderland]

My friend's mum did the biting back thing. My friend was about 2 and bit her mum on the arm. Her mum promptly bit her back (gently) and she never did it again! I know it would be massively frowned upon today but sometimes kids don't learn how horrible something is until it's done to them.

[FishfingersAreOK]

Also another thought. I know he is not yet 3 but maybe chat with him about it is OK to find it all a bit much and if he is feeling overwhelmed (playdates, soft play etc) he can come and have a cuddle and quiet time with you. And if he wants to go home then go. This way he is learning to recognise and verbalise his feelings. Maybe subconciously he wants to go....and biting means you take him away from the situation.

[bubbawubba]

Thanks for all your replies. I've taken alot of it on board, so its alot to think about. I spoke to dh this morning and we are going to stick with what we decided re cancelling the party. We told ds that we will take him to the zoo instead with nanny and grandad and he got very excited (he loves the zoo). I've already contacted a few friends about it and they were lovely, more than understanding. I'm going to take it one step at a time and slowly reintroduce him to busy places and see how he goes. Thanks again

[Buddhagirl]

Nice one op I think you did everything right.
Asking 'how would you feel if someone did that to you?' can help them see how their behaviour is hurtful.

[tumbletumble]

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing. FWIW, when my DS2 went through a hitting / pushing phase (no biting thankfully) I found that taking him straight home (after one warning) was effective.

[AmberSocks]

my son does this too,its getting better gradually,bu i have learnt that time outs and other punishments are not the answer.

First i comfort the child hes bitten/scratchedhas always been his sister)then when she is ok i ask him what happened to make him bite.Then i tell him how he should deal with it(so for example come and tell me when his sister is winding him up)instead of biting.Then i enocourage him to help make his ssiter feel better,i dont ask him to apologise,he will if he ants to,dont see the point of making him say sorry if he doesnt mean it.Then i try and do something with both of them together,so read them both a book or play with them together for a bit.

We have been doing that for about 4 weeks and the difference is huge,it used to be a daily thing but its only hsppened once this week so i guess its working.

From your op im guessing he is an only child,so i dont see why he cant have a party and you just mke sure you dont take your ee off him?Its not difficult to keep your eye on one child.

[rumblefish]

Biting occurs when toddlers have limited language and can be because of anger they dont know how to express themselves.

They may not have enough space and feel overcrowded so they bite. It could be initiated by transitions such as a new baby or maybe giving up a dummy, worry or stress.

1. comfort and take care of the child who has been bitten keep it low key
   
2. say to the biter in a firm gentle voice "its not OK to bite, biting hurts. If you want to bite, bite a toy (have you got something he can bite on if he is getting frustrated) maybe carry some food.
   
3. encourage biter to made amends in some way
   

I think it is a good idea not to have the party as it will probably be sensory overload for your little boy.
hope this helps

[LilyAmaryllis]

I completely support your decision not to have the party!

And I'm amazed at those who think you could keep a 100% eye on a child at a party you are hosting. At my kids parties its been run-round-like-a-blue-arsed-fly running the games, operating the music for statues/pass the parcel, making cups of tea for parents, paying some attention to the kids who need a bit of encouragement, getting cups of squash for thirsty kids, putting food out on plates, clearing up plates and cups, clearing up any spillages, cutting cake for party bags, breaking up any conflicts or dangerous activity... This is with 2 people, me and DH doing all this. I barely see my own kids at our own parties, I have to go to other people's parties to spend 100% party time with them!

[MsDeerheart]

Glad the zoo trip is the solution
Are you planning pre-school, the reason I say is a friend of mine her DC who got over excitied in large groups - not biting but other stuff - was much better after he started at pre-school.