To keep my ds away from other children because of this?

[bubbawubba]

My ds is 3 next week. He has been going through a phase of pushing, hitting and slapping other children for about 3 months now. Usually when he does it I take him home, do time out etc. I figured he would grow out of it in time. Within the last two weeks, he has progressed to biting. Badly. He bit a friends dd a few days ago on her upper arm which drew blood and she now has an infection which requires antibiotics. I feel so utterly dreadful about this, I ask him why he bites and he says he doesn't know, he just does it. I've cancelled his party (he threw a massive tantrum when i told him but tough) because I can't constantly watch what he's doing and i would hate for this to happen again. I suspect he was bitten by another child at some point which is where he has learnt it from. I feel our only option is to keep him away from other children until he stops. AIBU?

It's not the cancelling the party that's the issue, it's the telling him that you've cancelled his party. That is just bloody cruel and horrible - he's 3, he's not setting out to be bad and by telling him, you ARE punishing him. Unless you've made it very soft and gentle and arranged something else fun for him to do instead (which it sounds like you haven't since you said he threw a massive tantrum - but tough).

Give him a break.

My dd is 5 and still goes through phases of hitting, pushing, being mean. She also went through a stage of biting at around 3.5 which we nipped in the bud with incentives, like an ice lolly after every nursery session in which she'd been kind and good. I liased with the nursery and we worked together to stop it.

You can't cancel a party for a 3/4 year old because you "can't follow him around" all day. That's really mean, and I hope you didn't tell him the reason you cancelled it, but it sounds like you did judging by his tantrum.

I think its OK to cancel the party, I don't think its punishment so much as avoiding what you know would be a very stressful situation. You can still go and have a birthday treat of some sort.

However, my DS went through a very short biting phase and I did actually say, if you bite anyone ever again, you won't be going to X's party. He did bite again and then I kicked myself for using that as a threat, but I did follow through and he didn't go to the party and he knew why. And, that was the end of the biting.

But I think your DS's hitting/biting etc sounds like its at a different level. I'm sorry I haven't got the magic wand, and you sound like lovely kind and understanding parents. Would a health visitor have any advice?

I understand why your cancelled his party too -although tough for him to deal with

I have say I would say its quite old to be in this phase - although I do think lots of children do through it
but in my experience the only thing that worked at that phase was watching them constantly and actually being pre-emptive - so if he looks like he going to hit/bite etc then move him away/warn him
other things that in my experience made it worse were teething - does he have his molars coming?) very busy places, over eximent and poor sleep. I would maybe try smaller, quieter ways of mixing with other children. Also so long as other parent know you are very sorry and see you trying to stop him/disapline they will understand
also does he go to pre-school/nursery? - what do they say?

Ours are 15 and 18 now and were by no means angels. Something I always did was to give them a dailyy sweetie ration - 4-6 sweets chosen from a jar and popped in a ramekin after tea and shortly before teeth brushing. It was something they loved and something very small they could have removed when they had been naughty.

Specifically re the biting is there anyone at nursery/playgrup you could talk to?

DD was a biter - once leaving a bruise on her bro's back. My mum always said the way to deal with a biter was to bite him/her as a cure. I did bite dd, quite gently leaving indentation marks but not a bruise or anything after she had bitten ad calmed down and with an explanation why. She never ever bit again. Not nice I know but it worked.

Dons flak jacket for flaming.

DS remembers the bruisy bite - he was about 6. DD does not remember the soft(ish) bite from mummy.

I was a biter as a child and bit my cousin to the extent she needed antibiotics. I did get over it!! It is just a phase and like a previous poster said all (or most) children have a phase of something - it's just biting is particularly unpleasant and is socially regarded as more unacceptable than other aggression. I think it is not unreasonable to cancel the party if you feel you can't cope with him at that kind of gathering but it isn't fair to tell him you've cancelled it because he bites in a punishment kind of way.

Marriedinwhiteagain, good luck. .

Please ignore the utterly ridiculous advice from marriedinwhiteagain

A kid not biting again as they are scared their parent is going to fucking bite them is not the same as a thing learning that it is wrong to bite.

a thing = a kid

Kind of apt type . Couldn't type properly through the red mist. Utterly beggars believe that people advocate sinking their teeth into a child to teach them that it's wrong.

My daughter was bitten badly in a kids soft play area , the skin was broken badly and the other mother didn't even blink an eyelid, I told her what had happened and she didn't even remove him from the soft play.
Had it been me I would have taken him home , my daughter was too terrified of him to go back in.

I wouldn't cancel the party but I would remove him from a situation when he got violent.

I think it is perfectly possible (not guaranteed but possible) that he is old enough to understand that he cannot have a party because he keeps biting other children. It is a natural consequence of his behaviour, probably an unnecessarily large consequence, but it is a result of his behaviour, not a punishment.

Biting, along with any other similar phase of unacceptable behaviour, will pass but only if it is dealt with appropriately.

OP, you are taking responsibility for the safety of other people's children by ensuring he is effectively supervised, while also allowing your child the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his behaviour.

You've made a difficult decision for very good reasons and I think you deserve credit for that. It would be very easy to say that he's too young to understand and you don't want to upset him, go ahead with the party and then have to see another child with a nasty bite mark.

If he is often biting in busy social situations he is probably quite stressed by them so I would avoid them for a while. I would still let him be with one or two other children, perhaps for shorter periods so he is still getting social interaction with his peers and having the opportunity to learn to deal with the emotions that other children's behaviour and actions can trigger in him.

My son was a nightmare at 2 and 3! I remembered being stopped by the cops because he'd managed to unstrap his buckles from his car seat, while i was driving, and prefered to lie on the top of the boot!!
He's 17 now, but thats another story!
I couldn't take him anywhere!

My DS1 (now 7.4 and absolutely lovely) was a dreadful shover when he was 2 and 3, and even 4 (although less so by that age). Looking at the kind of child he is now, I'm convinced that he found busy social situations like soft play and playgroups stressful, and that was his method of coping.

Am not excusing my DS's behaviour, which I found utterly mortifying - but I know that I could not have coped with a party for 15 for him at that age, as the stress of watching him and waiting for something to happen (which it can, however closely you watch them) would have been too much.

I completely understand the impetus to avoid other children whilst your DS is in this phase, and therefore YANBU if your DS will still have a lovely, happy birthday as little kids should do .

He doesn't go to nursery but we do go to lots of playgroups but i'm always there with him. Goldmandra, im happy someone understands i'm not cancelling his party as punishment. I am genuinely concerned that he will bite another child, i wont get there in time and we'll have a repeat of what happened before. I DO think however, that he understands that what he is doing is wrong and it hurts people. My gut feeling is that he gets overwhlemed when confronted with large, busy groups of children and biting is his way of handling things. I'm going to stick to one to one playdates for now and the nice quiet playgroup we go to. Interestingly, he has never bitten anyone there.

bubba you're not punishing him, (i hate that word) youre allowing him, under your family dymanics to grow and mature with boundaries, which he'll get! xx

I think that's perfectly reasonable bubba. And all the hand wringing at cancelling a party for a 3 year old is completely OTT in my opinion - he'll quickly forget!

poor you it is a phase but you did what you thought was best I would re arrange the party and keep telling him NO when he bites he will stop he needs to learn to control himself keeping him away from children will only keep the biting going, you can not reason with a 3 year old so any form of reasoning wont work you have to tell him NO and apologise for every bite he does and show him the victims bite wounds .

DD was a sneaky nipper at 2/3 she would do it out of wanting to go first or get picked ot a toy she wanted I was when i caught her nipping a boy on a slide so he would run off and she would get a turn first

Poor kid. Fine to rearrange the party. Not fine to beat him up with this fact. That'll really help his sense of frustration.

OP do you ask him to apologise ? just out of interest I know you said he gets taken away but does he say sorry

My goodness it's not the end of the end of te world fgs, as op said a arty with lots of different people/children will stress him out and won't be enjoyable or him or op. not every child likes parties, my dd 6 Asd hates them. Mabey Dow smaller family one with familiar people or take him to a pace he might like E.g farm, or theme park

Party sorry hate I pad typing

Op knows her child, mabey a party at this stage is not a good idea

Yanbu. You sound like a responsible, non biased and decent person.

If have 1-1 play dates monitored very closely and with a nice reward and much praise if successful.
Keep them short and achievable then gradually increase the time and amount of children.
I really feel for you.
Will you do something nice for his birthday?