To keep my ds away from other children because of this?

[bubbawubba]

My ds is 3 next week. He has been going through a phase of pushing, hitting and slapping other children for about 3 months now. Usually when he does it I take him home, do time out etc. I figured he would grow out of it in time. Within the last two weeks, he has progressed to biting. Badly. He bit a friends dd a few days ago on her upper arm which drew blood and she now has an infection which requires antibiotics. I feel so utterly dreadful about this, I ask him why he bites and he says he doesn't know, he just does it. I've cancelled his party (he threw a massive tantrum when i told him but tough) because I can't constantly watch what he's doing and i would hate for this to happen again. I suspect he was bitten by another child at some point which is where he has learnt it from. I feel our only option is to keep him away from other children until he stops. AIBU?

[Crinkle77]

I don't think you should reinstate his party as others have suggested as that will only teach him that if he has a tantrum he will get his own way eventually. It might make him realise that if he bites then there are consequences.

[ICantRememberWhatSheSaid]

Another one who thinks the OP is doing the right thing. I hope it all works out and that the OPs DS doesn't take too long to grow out of biting.
Good luck

[50shadesofmeh]

Spot on post Ifnotnow, children need to l know that there are consequences to aggressive behaviour , its as simple as that.

[NellyTheElephant]

I think you are quite right not to do the party in the circs. To be honest I wouldn't have done a party at 3 for 15 children in any circs. All of my three would have found it a bit too overwhelming and more likely to be crying and clinging to me than enjoying it. Trip to the zoo will be much better for you all.

My DD1 was a biter. It was awful, I never really got my head around it and probably got too angry with her and didn't really know what to do (tried punishments and reasoning but she was too young). What eventually worked was when I managed to stop all my anger and my own embarrassment at the situation and simply removed her and put her in her room (or elsewhere if out) immediately. No reasoning or recriminations, no chances, if there was a bite that was it.

DD2 never bit anyone.

DS was a biter, also likely to push and shove. I actually spent about 6 months being careful about where we went and what we did as I saw no reason to put him (and me) in difficult and stressful situations. Neither of us was going to enjoy a playgroup, or a playdate with lots of children (cycle of bite, cry, leave). I think maybe he just wasn't too keen on al that stuff at the time. He was my third so I had no interest in going to playgroups etc anyway! It wore off. Now at 4 he is totally gentle considerate and lovely.

I bit my brother so hard on his finger my mother thought he would need stitches. Blood everywhere. Luckily I haven't been know to bite anyone recently!

[thebody]

He will far prefer a trip to the zoo than a party anyway at his age.

Think you are very sensible op as too much excitement and being surrounded by excited children at soft play/ party could be the trigger.

Some posters saying all children do it are wrong actually, one if mine did it once and I slapped his bottom hard. It worked. Yes I know but it did so there. It was 20 years ago though.

My other 3 never bit.

Good on the op for taking it seriously as then she can stop it.

[pigletmania]

It seems that op has done completely the right thing and can hav the party when he isa bit older, he seems happy with th zoo so leave it. No need to reinstate anything you will onl confuse the situation

[topsyandturvy]

op, can you reinstate the party and get a trusted adult who wont have children there to tail your ds round every second of the time?

[Cornishpasty2]

None of my children have had a "biting phase", but I've known some friends children to bite. I assume it's when he gets frustrated? I think I would have done the same thing, (cancelling party) as you say, not as a punishment but because you want to avoid it happening again. This time next year this phase will be over I'm sure, then you can throw him an extra special party to compensate! Wish I had some advice for you about how to deal with it, but following him around for the time being may be the only answer, maybe only allowing him to socialise in small groups for a while, (easier for you to keep an eye on him) then building it up to larger numbers slowly. If he bites when stressed/overwealmed this might be the answer. Good luck with it all, I'm sure you'll make sure he has a great birthday, party or not.

[mrsjay]

I hope he enjoys the zoo ( I love the zoo too ) and you are doing right by him and want him happy and not biting he will grow out of it honest

[GoshAnneGorilla]

OP YANBU and it sounds like you are helping your son through this, while protecting other children.

[wonderingsoul]

youv done the right thing. and i agree its not punishmeant, its preventing another child possably being hurt and the party ruined any way.


mine have never done the biting, so no really advise there, other then keep doing what your doing removing from the situation or if its a child you know do over the top attention on the hurt child.

id be livid with myself and child had mine done what you did, but the fact that your so concerned and taking precautions and not washing this as a "oh they all do it" in a washy wishy way is a good thing. he will come through it. ....

and then your have something else to deal with kids are good that way.

[bubbawubba]

cory your response has baffled me a little. I am not cancelling his party as punishment. I am cancelling because i can't guarantee other children will not get bitten and as i am hosting the party i will not be able to watch him 100% of the time. He bit this little girl so hard the wound became infected which required a tetanus shot, antibiotics and her mother having to take the week off of work. I simply cannot risk it happening again. Its up to the other parents as to what they tell their children in terms of why the party has been cancelled and if they are upset so be it.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I have ended a friendship over my friend's utterly woolly approach to her dcs violence e.g pushing, shoving, nipping.
She would be one of the " punishments don't work, gentle reasoning, I must try and support my dc through his frustration" lot.
Meanwhile, her 6 year old has only recently learned not to hit, when he got decked by another child at school. Her 3 year old hits her in the face, and she just moves his hand away gently and says " no".
Its not very effective..
When the 3 year old started hitting and biting Ds, I just thought- no more.
My ex friend would also get her older DS to apologise, every time, which he would do with a smirk.
So, the pattern would be - child hits my child, child says sorry. My child feels like he has to say " it's ok". Child hits mine again next week. Repeat ad infinitum.
It astounds me, the whole handwringing about consequences for small children. You know what? Its your responsibility to socialise your child.
Your child does something unpleasant, there is an unpleasant result. Your child learns not to do it.
It should be really simple. Ds got a bit hitty, with me, at 2. I said " no hitting" put him in his cot a d walked away. After the third time, he has never done it again. He is now 7.
You dont need to reason with a toddler, you don't even need to say anything at all. At the first sign if violence, remove. No warnings, no chances. The younger they are,the simpler it needs to be.
Aside from whether or not op cancelled the party as a punishment or not, she did the right thing, as crowds are a trigger for this behaviour.
But you need carrot and stick sometimes. The parents I know who try and understand anti social and violent behaviour, and " support" their child through it, are the same parents who now have older kids who have no friends at school, because their parents did not have the balls to socialise them.
That won't happen to your dc Op, as you are clearly a sensible woman, and will nip this in the bud.

[Badvoc]

Sorry, but not all children go though this phase.
Mine didn't.

[pigletmania]

Op not orphans doh

[pigletmania]

You are totally right op,I bet your ds will enjoy thi much more than the party. I am shocked at some of t responses orphans got from the pro party Allience Group. Op is neither mean or a bad parent, she is quite rightly removing potential,anticeedants to the behaviour and replacing it with an activity that her ds would enjoy more

[MsDeerheart]

Glad the zoo trip is the solution
Are you planning pre-school, the reason I say is a friend of mine her DC who got over excitied in large groups - not biting but other stuff - was much better after he started at pre-school.

[LilyAmaryllis]

I completely support your decision not to have the party!

And I'm amazed at those who think you could keep a 100% eye on a child at a party you are hosting. At my kids parties its been run-round-like-a-blue-arsed-fly running the games, operating the music for statues/pass the parcel, making cups of tea for parents, paying some attention to the kids who need a bit of encouragement, getting cups of squash for thirsty kids, putting food out on plates, clearing up plates and cups, clearing up any spillages, cutting cake for party bags, breaking up any conflicts or dangerous activity... This is with 2 people, me and DH doing all this. I barely see my own kids at our own parties, I have to go to other people's parties to spend 100% party time with them!

[rumblefish]

Biting occurs when toddlers have limited language and can be because of anger they dont know how to express themselves.

They may not have enough space and feel overcrowded so they bite. It could be initiated by transitions such as a new baby or maybe giving up a dummy, worry or stress.

1. comfort and take care of the child who has been bitten keep it low key
   
2. say to the biter in a firm gentle voice "its not OK to bite, biting hurts. If you want to bite, bite a toy (have you got something he can bite on if he is getting frustrated) maybe carry some food.
   
3. encourage biter to made amends in some way
   

I think it is a good idea not to have the party as it will probably be sensory overload for your little boy.
hope this helps

[AmberSocks]

my son does this too,its getting better gradually,bu i have learnt that time outs and other punishments are not the answer.

First i comfort the child hes bitten/scratchedhas always been his sister)then when she is ok i ask him what happened to make him bite.Then i tell him how he should deal with it(so for example come and tell me when his sister is winding him up)instead of biting.Then i enocourage him to help make his ssiter feel better,i dont ask him to apologise,he will if he ants to,dont see the point of making him say sorry if he doesnt mean it.Then i try and do something with both of them together,so read them both a book or play with them together for a bit.

We have been doing that for about 4 weeks and the difference is huge,it used to be a daily thing but its only hsppened once this week so i guess its working.

From your op im guessing he is an only child,so i dont see why he cant have a party and you just mke sure you dont take your ee off him?Its not difficult to keep your eye on one child.

[tumbletumble]

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing. FWIW, when my DS2 went through a hitting / pushing phase (no biting thankfully) I found that taking him straight home (after one warning) was effective.

[Buddhagirl]

Nice one op I think you did everything right.
Asking 'how would you feel if someone did that to you?' can help them see how their behaviour is hurtful.

[bubbawubba]

Thanks for all your replies. I've taken alot of it on board, so its alot to think about. I spoke to dh this morning and we are going to stick with what we decided re cancelling the party. We told ds that we will take him to the zoo instead with nanny and grandad and he got very excited (he loves the zoo). I've already contacted a few friends about it and they were lovely, more than understanding. I'm going to take it one step at a time and slowly reintroduce him to busy places and see how he goes. Thanks again

[FishfingersAreOK]

Also another thought. I know he is not yet 3 but maybe chat with him about it is OK to find it all a bit much and if he is feeling overwhelmed (playdates, soft play etc) he can come and have a cuddle and quiet time with you. And if he wants to go home then go. This way he is learning to recognise and verbalise his feelings. Maybe subconciously he wants to go....and biting means you take him away from the situation.

[livinginwonderland]

My friend's mum did the biting back thing. My friend was about 2 and bit her mum on the arm. Her mum promptly bit her back (gently) and she never did it again! I know it would be massively frowned upon today but sometimes kids don't learn how horrible something is until it's done to them.