To keep my ds away from other children because of this?

[bubbawubba]

My ds is 3 next week. He has been going through a phase of pushing, hitting and slapping other children for about 3 months now. Usually when he does it I take him home, do time out etc. I figured he would grow out of it in time. Within the last two weeks, he has progressed to biting. Badly. He bit a friends dd a few days ago on her upper arm which drew blood and she now has an infection which requires antibiotics. I feel so utterly dreadful about this, I ask him why he bites and he says he doesn't know, he just does it. I've cancelled his party (he threw a massive tantrum when i told him but tough) because I can't constantly watch what he's doing and i would hate for this to happen again. I suspect he was bitten by another child at some point which is where he has learnt it from. I feel our only option is to keep him away from other children until he stops. AIBU?

[SummerRainIsADistantMemory]

apostropheuse... they really do. Whether it be biting, kicking, hitting, blowing raspberries, spitting, rudeness, hair pulling, door slamming, screaming, etc, all children go through a phase (or several phases!) of behaving in ways which are unacceptable and offensive to those around them in response to external triggers such as becoming stressed by an interaction with a peer.

The op is unlucky she got a biting phase to contend with but it's not intentional nastiness by her 3 year old. It's a bad reaction to an interaction which he needs to be taught to modify. He's not a dangerous animal that needs to kept away from other children, he a little boy who was looking forward to a birthday party which has now been cancelled for reasons he can't understand.

[CatsAreLikeChocolates]

OP I think you did the right thing in not holding a party for a three year old in the middle of a serious biting phase. I would rather a friend of DD had cancelled their party than invited her and then bitten her! It's not a punishment, just a sensible precaution.

It's probably not worth trying to keep him away from other kids in general though and as others have said, the main thing is to try and get to the bottom of what is causing his violent reactions.

[DeepPurple]

Not all children go through this phase so for those saying the OP is unreasonable to cancel the party, she knows what is best.

It is just a phase and all you can do is be consistent in how you deal with it. If he bites, remove him from the situation and go straight home. He will quickly get the message that it is unacceptable. You need to be sure you are telling him that he is going home because what he did was wrong.

that he hurt another child bad enough to need antibiotics. Sadly, he can't understand that this is because of what he did.

If soft play is a trigger then avoid for a few months then try him again for just a short amount of time.

Try not to worry too much, you are doing a great job.

[MummytoMog]

My three year old wouldn't have given a monkeys if I cancelled her birthday party, and I can quite see why you would. I've had one biter (thankfully biting confined to me) and DD went through a phase of getting other children into head locks. Both of them came out the other side (phew) but I did keep interaction with other children to a minimum while I was discouraging that behaviour. Entirely sensible way to deal with it IMO. Incidentally, what finally put an end to biting was DS biting me so hard he drew blood and I screamed the bloody house down. I think he finally got that it actually hurt. Before that he just thought it was funny.

[harrietlichman]

My lovely, sweet natured 8 year old DS was a biter - it was a nightmare, he bit several other children, me (on the face) and a very good friend who was trying to give him a kiss, drawing blood and causing her to leave in tears (it was before she had kids, she clearly thought he was some sort of devil child!)
My point is, my son is a lovely, kind boy, who went through the same phase yours is now going through - please don't stress too much, this will pass, honestly. Do have his party - he is only three, he doesn't understand that what he is doing is anti-social and causes pain - he is just trying out his teeth - please try not to worry too much (although I know this is easier said than done - I spent many a mortified hour apologising for my ds's piranah habit!

[IsItMeOr]

bubba My name is IsIt and I have a biter. He had a really bad patch of it last summer and autumn, peaking when he was coming up to 3.6yo. We couldn't spot a trigger at the time, although with hindsight I was incredibly stressed at work, which impacted on how I was with DS and I suspect that was the key problem.

We did Lovebombing with him, and as soon as I did the weekend away he was a completely different child. We did a few other things with nursery as well, and gradually he got to a more normal place for his age.

He still struggles with interactions with other children - at his worst he was lashing out without any apparent cause. Now he will retaliate fiercely if somebody does him wrong. He hadn't bitten this year - until yesterday at nursery he bit another child . He's just had a really nasty bug with an ear infection and possible urinary tract infection, so we're hoping it's just a fallout from that horrible experience.

So, I'd recommend the Lovebombing as definitely worth a try.

And if anybody can give me tips on how to support DS in learning how to interact better with other children, please see my thread...

[IsItMeOr]

Just a thought on the party - how about you have it but with a much smaller guest list, say 3-5 kids instead of 15? Basically a number that you think DS could manage.

Big hugs to you, as well, I was in tears at nursery last year because I felt like such a terrible parent because DS was doing this. Try to be kind to yourself (and DS).

[FishfingersAreOK]

I think it would also be an idea (if you haven't already) to write down what happens on the days he bites. See if there is a pattern. Is is only after a bad night's sleep? When he is due a nap? When he is hungry? In big groups? In noisy environments?

If you can find a pattern - if there is one - this may help you manage it and help him. If it is when he has low blood sugar and in a noisy place - maybe keep an eye on regular snacks and time noisy venues for better times for him IYSWIM

I think cancelling the party is a decision made for your sanity and anxiety - and that is as good a reason as any in this situation. As long as something is done to celebrate (smaller group, quieter maybe). I hope you both enjoy it and good luck.

[Finola1step]

Hi bubba. Both mine have gone through a biting stage. I was mortified. All you can do is keep talking to him, praising good behaviour, etc

With regards to the party... Could you just do a v small birthday tea with 3 or 4 friends? That way, your son still gets a "party" but it will be so much easier for you to control and watch your son like a hawk.

[qualitytoffee]

I think you're definately doing the right thing, and can i say, you sound like a fab ma! For others who think that this brilliant mum is depriving her son of a party, what would you remember, a 3 year old who fought his way because of excitment, and made other children cry, or a 4 year old who has matured and has had a year to develop boundaries?
Op, you are fab! x

[bubbawubba]

Thanks Isit. The politics of choosing which 3-5 children to come would be too awkward.... The odd thing is, is that we practice gentle discipline. The time out thing is just being done out of sheer desperation. Lovebombing is by Oliver James?

[bubbawubba]

Thanks Fish, Fiona and Quality I was nervous about posting but i feel so much better. It breaks my heart when he hurts other kids

[crumblepie]

i think you did the right thing in cancelling his party , why stress your self out following him around all day and worrying he is going to bite some one .

[Jojay]

I think you've done the right thing cancelling his party. You would be trying to organise tea etc, so would be unable to supervise him all the time.

It is a common phase, it will pass, but for the time being you need to watch him constantly around other kids, and that means not putting yourself in a situation where you can't, ie a big party.

Have a little party with a couple of little friends and lots of adults, maybe grannies or something, who can watch him when you're busy. That way, he gets a party but he remains supervised, and a smaller party might not phase him so much anyway.

YANBU.

[qualitytoffee]

and when he's 5, think of the great party he'll have then! xx

[pinkpanther79]

I think I would cancel a big party if it was me. How about a family day instead doing something he loves so no politics about who gets re-invited?

Hope the phase finishes soon. Sounds a nightmare.

[WorraLiberty]

Surely you won't be the only adult at the party?

Can't you put another adult in charge of watching him like a hawk?

[hufflebottom]

you did the right thing op, at the age of 3 he knows he's doing it and why. I fully support you on this.

kids parties are stressful enough without having to follow the dc around.

maybe a tea with 2 friends that you know he gets on with.

I've stopped dd (3) from going to a party for lashing out at a friend.

[PaperSeagull]

If canceling the party isn't a punishment, why did he throw a massive tantrum? I mean, if the change in plans had been presented as something fun and exciting, would he have cared that much? It's the difference between "We decided to spend your birthday at the beach! Won't that be fun?" vs. "You can't have a party because you keep biting other children."

I very much sympathize with you, OP. It's one of those phases you have to grit your teeth to get through and figure out the best strategies to solve the problem. Maybe canceling the party is the best option, but I do think it should be carefully presented to your DS, as I wrote above.

[Twattybollocks]

I wouldn't cancel the party totally, but downscale to 2/3 friends, some games and tea + cake. You will then not be run off your feet and if you explain situation to friends parents as they arrive (at 3 they will be staying anyways) they will be able to help keep an eye on things and move in if anything gets out of hand.
It is a phase, it will pass, I promise you. Dd started doing it last year age 5 which was a real shock as I thought we were past that stage, it lasted a couple of months, she would lift people's trousers up and bite legs if annoyed. Zero tolerance from me and removing privileges worked well, and showing her acceptable ways of venting her frustration helped, but obv she was a lot older and this wouldn't work with a 3yo.

[pigletmania]

Yanbu to cancel his party dispute what others on here think. You can still do nice things for his birthday and have a small family party. No not every child bites

[IsItMeOr]

Yes, Lovebombing is Oliver James. It's quite a short book and I found him very compassionate to the parents, which I certainly appreciated.

We also did gentle discipline. But now do time outs for hurting.

[IsItMeOr]

Twatty what acceptable ways of venting frustration did you use, out of interest?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I think the OP is right to cancel the party. I'd be really freaked out if my child had done that, and not wanting to risk another incident.

Stick to smaller gatherings you think you can manage until you think he's outgrown the stage.

[LastTangoInDevonshire]

I think you did the right thing, OP. It's no good people saying children that young do not 'get it' - they really do understand.