To think parents' wills should leave equal shares to siblings

[thegreedysister]

Is there ever a situation when this shouldn't happen?

I can understand special clauses for siblings with special needs/disabilities but if all things are equal in this area is there ever a good reason to not split things equally?

I really think it depends. I have no siblings, but my DP does. One has cut off all contact with her mother, one has mental health issues, and one is a recovering addict. as it happens ther will is divided equally between them, but given that DP and her two other siblings do all the caring and looking after, this seems rather unfair. But OTOH DP and her sister have partners, and houses and mortgages which the others don't. Tough one.

silver yes I understand that, but the will says favoured sibling can live in the house as long as they like but if they choose to sell then the proceeds gets split so favoured sibling gets just over half and the rest gets split evenly amongst the other siblings, so it is not just about keeping the house 'in the family'. Also they get just over half of all other assets.

Someone asked what birth order I am, I'm the middle. I emailed my youngest sibling who is the most 'sensible/level headed' one. My other sibling (second oldest ) likes to keep everyone happy and will always sit on the fence, which is why I emailed the youngest one. The favoured sibling is the oldest.

Anyway my actions will be to try and get over it and try to not let it affect family relationships, which will be very difficult to do. At the moment I don't want to talk to any of them.

I so hope that something changes so that I wont have to face it in the future.

Cozie,imagine the fallout if I do gift jewellery away now!!Vulgar comparing and resentments...would rather watch from up high or below!

My grandparents have 3 children. They are leaving one of them out of their will because

a) he was the only one to inherit from their grandmother (she believed in primogeniture!), he inherited several houses in London from her
b) he has a very highly paid job & pension
c) their other children are struggling financially.

He knows & is okay with it - or at least if he isn't he hasn't said!

Now that you have explained the terms of the will further, even I have to admit that does seem very unfair.

How would the oldest, favoured sibling feel about all this? Is he/she the sort of person that would be pleased, or shocked and upset. While I still think there is a possibility that your DPs may have a valid reason for their choice, what they are doing is as unfair on the favoured child as much as it is on the rest of you.

OP, there is a good chance that the house and other assets will need to be used for care home costs anyway.

If you had a friend who lived with you and other friends who just visited, which friend would you feel closer to? That may be part of it.

If they live for another 20-30 years, they may well change their will in the meantime if sibling 1 moves out or anything - they may feel this is a will "for now" given the big trip.

DH and I did our wills 6+ years ago and we are due a review, I think.

When my grandfather died the assets were split equally between all the siblings (business to my dad and other assets to the rest), and they were able to force him to sell part of the business to pay for their share (it's terribly complicated!).

So it ended up with my parents struggling for years, while the others had no trouble at all.

Wills are never straightforward - they probably thought they were doing the right thing telling you now rather than leaving it until the will reading!

If they live for another 20-30 years, they may well change their will in the meantime if sibling 1 moves out or anything - they may feel this is a will "for now" given the big trip.

He's never going to move out now, is he?

Weird way for people who feel guilty about a child who never flew the nest to behave.

If you had a friend who lived with you and other friends who just visited, which friend would you feel closer to?

That is so, so not the same.

I have no friends I love like I love my children. It's a completely different relationship.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt. I would too.

If you do email your parents, make it clear that it's not about the money. Say "I feel hurt that we are not all being treated the same. I know my feelings may be irrational, as I am sure you have good reasons for doing what you have done, but I can't help feeling hurt that you've favoured xxx when none of us have a permanent home. I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm really upset so please help me to understand why you've done it the way you have."

Hopefully when they try to explain, they will realise the unfairness. Perhaps they were just trying to do the right thing, but went about it the wrong way, without thinking of the consequences and how you would all feel.

I think you should take the opportunity now to strike while the iron is hot and talk to them rather than let it fester, I would be hurt too but would need to know why they did this. You have the perfect opportunity having just received this will out of the blue. If you can persuade all the siblings and your parents to sit down and discuss this you all have a chance to understand, make changes if necessary and move on from this unscathed.

FIL left DH pretty much out of his will and all was kept secret by DHs siblings (who were trustees and primary beneficiaries and involved in the will planning). For no reason that we know of. I wish FIL had explained to DH as he has been left devastated by this and sibling relationships are now over. I cannot even stand to look at them.

My DS is having a problem with this too. Her MIL passed away and left her house to my BIL. He's one of several siblings but he stayed with her and helped her through her elderly years, did everything for her while also holding down a job as he'd promised his Dad he would take care of her. The rest (all in their 40s/50s etc) did nothing for her, would make her get the bus to them, etc. When she died she left them all a small inheritance but the house to him. He's by now married to my DS (who also took good care of her - she was a lovely lady and they truly cared for her).

Anyway, several (but not all) of the siblings have decided its not on and are taking them to court. They may well end up having to sell the house to resolve it. I'm just hoping that the Courts will realise they were taken care of and they are adults FFS !!!

Actually if I understood it correctly it does sort of make sense.

Your brother lives with them and is single? While the rest of you don't and have partners? So if they died he is likely to be the one most hit by it? As he has noone else?

So if they die they don't want to compound that by immediately kicking him out of his home. Hence the "can live there as long as he likes" bit.

But they obviously love you all and want you all to get a share of their savings / home. If they left it to you all equally then he may feel that it isn't worth it for him to move out (as he'd have all the hassle /expense of moving but only a quarter of the proceeds plus would probably end up doing the lion's share of sorting out thheir things.)

But by giving him a greater proportion he is more likely to decide to move at some point and so free up the rest of you to get your inheritance.

Does that make sense?

But I do think that you need to talk to them about it. Maybe by email as you are obviously very upset by this and you can then think very carefully what you say so as to not feel like a "money grabber".

My parents own half of my brother's flat. (Their share is currently worth about 10% of their overall assets.) Theyneed to redo their will as they last did one in the 90s when my and db were still under 18. We are discussing it a lot as a family at the moment. My feeling is that keeping db's home should come first and so he should be left that outright and the rest then shared between us. Db thinks the money should just be shared. Our parents are also split so the debate has been going on for ages.

It's an easier thing thou as we both want the other to have more!

I really feel for you OP. I'm in a similar situation. I stopped talking to my mother about 6 months ago for something similar. It's made me realize how much my brother was favoured over me all our lives. I miss her but I feel like I've been slapped in the face. Like your parents she doesn't seem to quite grasp how unfair it all is and how it affects sibling relationships and those with parents. I expect now I will be completely written out. Her right, yes but I can't accept the unfairness of the current situation.

It's slightly more complicated than an unequal share in the will. It affects property right now. Like you I'm renting and don't know if I'll get on the property ladder. Brother was "loaned" a substantial amount of money to buy his property on the vague understanding he'd pay it back when he moved. He has no intention of moving, ever. I wasn't helped in this way. I haven't asked her for that but I've said he's now in a position to pay her back, which for her sake I think he should (it's been 10 years now), and it would mean we were both on a level playing field. She says she's not asking for it back and he can't afford to pay it back. Her name was initially on the property deeds but she's signed them completely over to him so no proof of anything. What I feel is he's been favoured over me. So one child has been helped on the property ladder. The other - me - might not get on the ladder and if I do I'll be working until my early 70s to pay it off. I'm incredibly pissed off. I try not to think about it but I'm really upset. Realistically I might end up in a rented bedsit in my old age. It's not the money. I wanted her to have her money back for her sake. It's the different treatment.

I do also see that this may well be a "will for today", given the big trip ahead of them. From my experience, it is highly likely that more changes will be made to your final surviving parent's will over the course of their (hopefully) long lifetime. I assume that the will only comes into force when both parents have died, and that when the first dies everything is passed to the second for the rest of their lifetime?

I do agree with Silver, that they may feel that your DB1 is there for them day in, day out & will be the one "lumbered" with their care as they get older (I am not saying lumbered is how any of you feel about it - but may be how your DPs see it). Also, is it possible that DB is actually contributing more financially to the house than you know? If he is paying more than his fair share, they may feel it only right to leave him a larger share.

Do your parents know that you have a long-term plan to move closer to them, to help care for them when the need arises? Maybe they see the rest of you as "gone" in practical terms & want to keep DB1 close by so that they have someone?

I honestly don't know whether I think they are right or wrong - I would need to know their reasons better to decide. These are the possible explanations I can come up with though.

I also find it a bit odd to have copies of the will posted out - although maybe that is to save any potential argument if they were to die prematurely and suddenly a will was produced leaving more to DB1 than any of you expected.

It will not be even when my dcs inherit. Ds1 will come into a significant sum from his father at some point. We have discussed this and agreed that what dh and I have will go to his three siblings. So no, unless you know the ins and outs of a situation, you can't say.

I am also a bit surprised how many of you know the full contents of your DPs' wills. I didn't know how my mum had divided things until we were sitting in the Solicitor's office after her death .

Her assets were divided equally between myself & my siblings as it happens - although we all left home many years ago.

It doesn't have to be 'fair'. There doesn't need to be a reason. People have the right to take whatever financial (and emotional) decisions they wish.
That's what it boils down to.

Yes you are right by the letter of the law onesleeptillwembley but the fallout from wills perceived to be inequitable (and the reasons not explained) can and have caused complete breakdown in relations among the surviving family members. I doubt whether that is the initial intention of most benefactors and wonder if people writing their wills are either getting bad advice from solicitors or choosing not to follow it..

"People have the right to take whatever financial (and emotional) decisions they wish."

Of course.

And that includes the "right" to disengage from people who hurt them by treating them unfairly.

One of my siblings still lives in my parents home. He is currently a carer to my DM, although he lived there prior to her needing care. All his living costs are paid for by DM, he has lived there for free for years.

The will states the house will be divided equally between the children. He does not get extra for being a carer- as he has already had the cost of his board over the years, whilst the rest of us have had to pay our way.

We won't be insisting he moves out straight away in the event of parents death, but in the long term he will get his share of the money and be expected to buy/rent somewhere for himself out of that.

Everyone knows this is what is due to happen. It seems the fairest way. He did not move out of home for various reasons, he had the same opportunities but made different decisions in life. Those decisions do not entitle him to a larger share of any inheritance. I think it would be very divisive if my parents believed that it did. Therefore YANBU to feel upset. I would too.

Agree with AThing. We have disengaged from DH family and I cannot see any way back.

Athing yes, you're right. I'm not disputing that. I'm just addressing the original question.
FWIW if this situation is real then I couldn't understand why going on a trip would be a reason to tell people their intentions re their wills. Sounds very bizarre behaviour. Possibly designed to cause upset.

Thank you, this has been like a virtual therapy session.

I had a long talk to dh on the phone and he reminded me of something about my family situation that I was forgetting. This coupled with the fact that my parents will most likely live another 20-30 years I am putting it aside and moving on.

We have a similar situation. My Dh's sister still lives in the family home with her parents. Both my dh and his other sister are financially secure with families of their own. MIL & FIL have raised the subject a few times about the fact that they have had wills made (they are in their mid 70s) and although the house will be left equally to the 3 children there is a clause which allows for middle sister (the one still at home to remain in the home if she so wishes) and the other 2 cannot sell it without her consent. This is fine with us neither dh or his other sister want the money and we even said that maybe they should just gift the house to the middle sister while they are still alive to stop it potentially being used to fund care later on. Whatever happens it is their money and their choice to do with it as they please. My own parents died quite suddenly when they were relatively young (58 & 62), I am an only child so inherited everything, but you know what I wish that they had used the money themselves while they were alive and left me nothing. My own attitude now is that you can't take the money with you so enjoy it while you can and whilst its nice to leave something for your children they should not expect it and should stand on their own two feet.

cassgate i think people who are financially secure such as yourself might find it easier to be noble about this. The op and her siblings are not in your position. Also your PIL have bothered to discuss with you and explain, op's parents have not. It's not always the outcome which is hurtful but the lack of transparency and people being left to feel that their parents had favourites that did not include them..