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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents' wills should leave equal shares to siblings

198 replies

thegreedysister · 21/06/2013 08:27

Is there ever a situation when this shouldn't happen?

I can understand special clauses for siblings with special needs/disabilities but if all things are equal in this area is there ever a good reason to not split things equally?

OP posts:
MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik · 21/06/2013 09:04

If there's genuinely no backstory that does seem very odd. Why does the other sibling still live at home?

I think generally, pag is right, there is usually something in the family dynamics. I've seen people be very happy with all sorts of wills sharing out money all sorts of ways - what matters is that the family dynamic works.

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 09:06

If the 'favoured' sibling is living in the home that will be inherited, then I don't think it would be right for parents to leave one of their children homeless while the others get a nice little windfall.

So much depends on circumstances. One child could be part of teh family business while the others have decided not to be a pat of it, and agin, I think it would be fair for that sibling to get more.

There are also situations where couples have children with different partners, and in those circumstances I would expect children to get differing amounts.

Corygal · 21/06/2013 09:07

It's all very well saying it's no one else's business except the parents', but it is everyone's business as it affects them directly - financially, in terms of family relationships, and, crucially, eldercare.

Posters who claim they have no interest/no feelings may well want to appear saintly, but there's a bit more to this issue than polishing the halo.

If a will is unequal or unkind, the chances of a row are much higher - family relationships can be horribly damaged, long term to boot. I think ruining a family's good feelings towards each other does matter, as it happens, and matters a lot.

mrsjay · 21/06/2013 09:08

mil left money equally to her sons it wasn't much she was in debt which we paid and also a huge portion of her funeral BIl and SIL still took the money when the house was sold (bank got most of it ) and never even paid us back we had to pay back money we had borrowed to pay mils debts so dh got eff all yes I am bitter they are rolling in money and greedy I hoped they choked on it sorry for huge rant Blush not all siblings are equal so not all need equal share imo, tbh i think i will leave anything i have to the cats home Grin

HintofBream · 21/06/2013 09:09

This is really interesting to me, as I was going to post asking for advice on how to treat my DSs fairly. One at the moment has no DCs, the other has three. Should we split things 50/50 or in proportion to the number of GCs? What if the childless one produces kids after our deaths? We have given them each considerable financial help already but more or less equally. Sorry to hi-jack but it is a very similar situation. I know, as itsblacketc says it is our money to do what we want with, but I want to be fair. I love my boys equally and neither is 'needier' financially than the other. I am ancient by the way, well past 50s, so a genuine concern.

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 09:09

This has been decided at the 'beginning' of the siblings lives (20s-30s) and parents (50s and in good health).

Your parents will have decided what they want to happen if they die tomorrow. If they don't, they will have plenty of time to change their wishes as the circumstances of their children change.

If there's no backstory, it seems odd that you are thinking of a reason not to visit your parents. Maybe there is something in that that has contributed to their reasoning.

MumnGran · 21/06/2013 09:10

As ever, the way to sort this out for your own sense of family is to talk to the people in question rather than guessing, inferring or supposing.

The next time you see them (phone or Skype really aren't appropriate for 'deep' conversations' ) why not tell your mother quietly that you felt a bit upset when you read the copy of the will she sent, because it felt as though you somehow meant less to them than your sibling does.

If approached in a passive way - expecting there is a reasonable explanation rather than sounding precious and entitled - you should be able to reach understanding of their decision and (hopefully) reassurance that you are not less loved.
Which I assume is what you really want, not just to kick off because you think someone else is going to get more?

Original poster
thegreedysister · 21/06/2013 09:13

The sibling is still at home because they have never left. Single, low-average wage, although none of the other siblings are on higher than average incomes anyway.

I do see favoured sibling possibly caring for parents when they are older, but that would be in 20+ years and so much (including changes in wills) could happen between now and then.

I had always on moving back to live near my parents when they were older and my other siblings aren't the type to just dump our older parents in the carehome and forget about them either!

OP posts:
Snazzywaitingforsummer · 21/06/2013 09:13

Why on earth would they post out copies of the will announcing this to you all? It sounds like an attempt to create bad feeling for whatever reason. Unless some of you are buying houses and they want you to know that you won't be able to 'rely' on a certain amount of cash to pay the mortgage off with later?

I don't know what your parents are playing at here, OP, and I don't know the backstory, as others have said. I would generally maintain that people have the right to do as they want in their wills, though it does seem that one sibling here has got more for no particularly good reason. But my advice would be to try and either forget about it altogether, or to get into the mindset that you will get nothing at all when your parents die - that way anything they do leave you will be a bonus. They sounds like they are being odd about this. But your choice is either to ignore it and get on with your life or waste time and energy being bitter (or, I guess, say to them next time you speak, 'Why on earth did you post me a copy of your will and what's all that about?')

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 09:13

HintofBream, maybe try starting another thread to get opinions on your situation. Personally, I will be leaving what I have to my two children equally because I am their parent. If they become parents, then it is their responsibility to provide for their own children, but I wouldn't discriminate against my own children based on their family planning decisions.

MrsHoarder · 21/06/2013 09:14

Is the family home a farm? Passing the farm onto one child as a whole business is fairly normal, as is allowing the person who lives in the home to keep it.

Original poster
thegreedysister · 21/06/2013 09:15

cloudandtree I am not wanting to visit as I feel rejected and hurt and don't want to appear greedy if I ask about it :(

Mostly I am just sad about it.

OP posts:
SillyTilly123 · 21/06/2013 09:17

My nan owns her own house. Its her only "money" Although she is still in quite good health (at 81) i take her shopping, do her garden etc and in the coming years can see me starting to take care of her a lot more and will probably care for her until i no longer can.

My uncle stands to inherit her house on his own (my mam died) and i know he will sell it. Whereas if she left it to me, we would live in it and make it our home. (we'd never never get on the property ladder otherwise-my uncle lives in a council flat, on benefits so rent etc is paid)

Also my uncle is likely to use the money to fuel his drinking problem which will no doubt kill him (he's been close a few times) so then the money will go to my 2 very well off cousins.
But i will still look after my nan whether she leaves me the house or not.

Original poster
thegreedysister · 21/06/2013 09:17

They sent it out as they are going abroad for the summer on a big trip.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 21/06/2013 09:17

Unless one of your children have been utterly vile, then I can't think why any parent would leave one child more than the other. Yes, I understand that's it's their money etc etc, but I can't understand a mindset which doesn't want to help your own children as much as you can.

Corygal · 21/06/2013 09:17

Hintofbream, do start another thread asking for views. I'll be with you every step of the way.

HintofBream · 21/06/2013 09:18

Clouds , you are right, I should have started a separate thread. I may leave it a while so it is not too much of a repeat of this one. Good point about family planning decisions, thanks.

SillyTilly123 · 21/06/2013 09:19

Oh, my uncle does nothing for my nan except ask for money (when she's only on a pension. I've told her to sell the house while she's still here and enjoy her life (i'd rather that than my uncle get it) but its too sentimental for her. She's lived there over 50 years.

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 09:20

If you don't visit because of this, it is likely to make the situation worse.

This is the stuff that creates large family divides that have repercussions for years. I really think you need to work on damage limitation and not let your feelings on this destroy the family you have.

Just suppose your parents didn't come back from this trip they are going on. If they left you an equal share, would one sibling lose their home as well as their parents? If so, I think it's understandable that your parents have made the decision they have.

It doesn't have to be a reflection of how much they love each of you. It's more likely to be that they want to ensure all of their dc are going to be ok.

HintofBream · 21/06/2013 09:20

Thanks Corygal, will do so shortly, see above!

Original poster
thegreedysister · 21/06/2013 09:21

As it stands, only 1 of the siblings even has a mortgage.

The others are trying to save up and are paying a lot in rent as they do so.

My own family will most likely never own a home, so we haven't been planning on paying off our mortgage with inheritance Confused.

I haven't really thought about getting an inheritance at all. If we did get one it would get spent on our dcs when they themselves are trying to buy a home go to university etc.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 21/06/2013 09:21

The difficulty with such discussions, MumnGran is that they can be extremely hurtful and destructive unless underlying issues have or will be addressed eg

'I'm only leaving your brother £x because he's a wastrel and the reason he's poor right now is because he can't be bothered to work and will just piss anything I leave him up the wall'

'I'm going to leave Namedyoungster £y because they're brighter than the others and might need money to help with university or other training. The rest will probably be out getting jobs.'

As with many things, the problem might not be with the division of the money but with the underlying family dynamic - and a will leaving everything to reflect a damaged or unproductive dynamic (or one based on individual assumptions by the testator) is not necessarily going to help people.

Doodledumdums · 21/06/2013 09:21

I think you are being unreasonable as there are lots of reasons why an equal split is okay, however in your particular circumstances it does seem odd and unfair and I would be hurt too, so in this respect you are not being unreasonable.

BikeRunSki · 21/06/2013 09:22

Parents have different relationships with different children. My GF lived in two different countries. When he died his will was "Everything in country x to Son 1, everything in country y to Son 2". There was nothing left in country x, and hadn't been for long enough for my grandfather to have known. My father and his brother have barely spoken since (40+ years).

MumnGran · 21/06/2013 09:23

I am not wanting to visit as I feel rejected and hurt

Then, to be honest OP, this is not really about wanting to understand what's going on and avoid this turning into a major rift, but about feeling entitled. In which case YABU. They can do what the hell they like with their estate when they die.

You don't know that you are rejected, or that hurt has been intended, until you have talked about it. Sitting on your laurels feeling wounded can be a lonely spot.