To think parents' wills should leave equal shares to siblings

[thegreedysister]

Is there ever a situation when this shouldn't happen?

I can understand special clauses for siblings with special needs/disabilities but if all things are equal in this area is there ever a good reason to not split things equally?

[cozietoesie]

pooh sticks. Told you I hadn't had enough coffee.

[thegreedysister]

Just as if our landlord decides to sell up, we would have to find somewhere else to live

[thegreedysister]

Yes I will see if I have the ability to email something like that the them at some stage Dontmind

[thegreedysister]

Actually I will email another sibling and see if they can ask.

[iwantanafternoonnap]

I would have loved to have seen my fathers (alcoholic, waste of space!) face when he realised his mum had left my mum 75% of her estate and him only 10%.

He never did anything for her and did not deserve any IMO!

[livinginwonderland]

They can do whatever they like with their money. I get everything when my parents die, but I'm an only child and the rest of our family is overseas. I think, ideally, money should be split equally, but for example, if one sibling was bringing in 100k a year and the other was disabled, I would prefer the money go to the disabled sibling.

There are circumstances where it shouldn't be split evenly - one sibling is disabled, one is in prison, whatever.

[SignoraStronza]

YANBU. I feel very strongly about this, although have had no direct experience of it myself. I really don't think grandchildren should come into it at all.

In an ideal world things should be split evenly, although I do understand that in, for example, farming communities where other siblings aren't involved in the family farm or when a significant house deposit has been gifted to one and not the the other then adjustments might need to be made for fairness.

[Pagwatch]

Op, you sound incredibly hurt and i am sorry about that.
I do still think though that there actually s a 'backstory' but it is your nirmal so you don't see it iyswim.

I am in my 50s and I have discussed the issues of wills with my adult son. I haven't raised it with ds2 as he has SN, nor DD as she is only 10.
I have spoken to my mother about her will to reassure her that I am happy if she leaves me and my dc out.

There is no earthly need to send out a copy of will. To send out an inequitable will without word of explanation is not nice and seems odd to me.
The fact that you can't say 'oi, why on earth did you send me this and what is the odd division of assets all about. Is there something I am missing. It's your money, you can do what you like but it is an odd course of events' is also telling.

It's all a bit strained. And your reaction, not wanting to visit and feeling massively hurt, is so sad.
Can you not talk them?
In particular why they feel the need to post copies of their wills everywhere and yet why the subject is still supposed to be off limits?

[FryOneFatManic]

DP's mum has made a will bypassing the children and leaving all the money to the grandchildren.

She has explained this to all, as late FIL's will left money to each of the children, and as the children are now all in their 50s and financially sorted, she's giving the grandchildren her money to give them a start in their adult lives.

[Animol]

My parents have told us their will is divided into equal shares - one for each child plus an extra one to be divided equally among the grandchildren - it seems fair to me - I hope it won't cause bad feeling - we do have by far the largest number of kids.

[AThingInYourLife]

"In particular why they feel the need to post copies of their wills everywhere and yet why the subject is still supposed to be off limits?"

I agree with Pagwatch that this is strange.

And what an unpleasant way to tell you.

Giggling at cozie throwing poo sticks into rivers :o

You're really not meant to do that! :o

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

I think you and your family operate in an unusual way if you feel unable to nudge your parents in the ribs and say 'can ye walk me through this document, I am having a bit of trouble understanding it, ta' and having to feel you need to email a sibling to ask them to step in, why not pick up the phone to sibling.
Where are you, birth order wise?

Anyway, it does seem unequal and odd, and I can see why you are upset.

[DontmindifIdo]

Well, another sibling might know if there's a back story you don't know about, so worth asking. However, I know one family were the there was an 'unfair split' but it only came out much later that the 'favoured DC' had been paying off the DM's credit card debts, could it be something like that that you don't know about?

[DontmindifIdo]

Oh, and by sending it to you, your parents are clearly making it public knowledge within the family so you can absolutely ask htem about it, if they didn't want it to be discussed, they shouldn't have sent you a copy - you can't say to your DCs, "I'm going to tell you something but you have no right to ask any follow up questions, discuss it, or be upset by it."

[thegreedysister]

Ok I heard back from the sibling I emailed.

He said he was surprised but puts it down to parents being old fashioned about having a 'home for life' and being out of touch with the way it is for many families who are unable to buy due to housing prices/high rents. He says they are just being kind to favoured sibling as they don't want him to have to leave his home upon their death.

He also says he thinks they feel guilt about him still living at home and not becoming independent like the rest of us

[AThingInYourLife]

It's really very kind to reward one sibling with a home for life just because they never moved out and leave the others possibly renting forever.

Surely you are all equally deserving of a home of your own?

[SilverViking]

I think you need to put yourself in your parents shoes..... If I owned a home, I would like to pass it down to the family. If a sibling was living in the home, then I would pass it to them. Its not just a favouritism thing, but practical, add they your parents may find comfort and support from that child being there, but still love all the other children very much.
In my case, assets were difficult to distribute equally, and one sister lives at home. If you counted it out she got far more, but she had also given more to my parents by being there for them every day.
In my wifes family, everything had been left in joint names of all t the children.....which will be a nightmare to sort later as then everyone must agree what is done with each asset (property and land) before anything can be done. It will need agrement to sell or let or divide.....which will be much more difficult to do amicably when the parents are gone.
I think what your parents did was fair, but should have explained it before.
Don't let money and inheritances divide you and your family - no money is worth it. Your parents love you, and this will eat you up inside for years, take over you life and make you so unhappy. Accept that it is flawed from your perspective, and resolve to do it better for your DC when time comes to make your will!

[AThingInYourLife]

There is nothing "practical" about favouring a child who never moves out of your home and making him far wealthier than your other children.

It's so unbelievably and obviously unfair and unkind.

To do that to your children and expect it not to affect how they feel about you, each other, and themselves is just idiotic.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Great post silver

[AThingInYourLife]

I think anyone who cares more about passing on an entire house than they do about treating their children fairly is a crap parent.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Maybe it's true that they feel guilty about this sibling, you just don't know.

Ultimately they will want to ensure that all their children are ok, and it may well be that you and your other sibling/s appear to be more ok than the favoured sibling, especially if you have good relationships with partners and you have managed to be independent.

I think it's quite common for members of the older generation to be completely ignorant about how much rents and house prices are nowadays.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think parents should generally share whatever there is equally. Even if things haven't been completely equal during life. I think departing from this should only be done very carefully, ideally after talking it through or at least explaining your thinking to everyone, and crucially where there are very good reasons to do so (and not based on any favouritism, or judgemments about behaviour of those involved)

If there's anything left I'm sure I'll leave it equally to my two, as my parents will do with us and their grandchildren - also half to my generation and half to grandchildren's generation which I think is a good idea - as especially helpful to get a helping hand when you're younger.

[assumpta]

What do you think of this one? Mother and father have passed away, all children grown up. One child given parents house and small piece of land. Other children given various pieces of land to build house on, all about one third of an acre each. One child and husband who did quite a lot of 'tooing and froing' gets ALL remaining land, which is quite considerable, and also has land given that she has built a house on. Land will be farmed a little, but their children will be left it and their son has said that he will just sell everything off as he has no interest, which is fair enough as half of it will be his. The bit that sticks in everyone's throat is that he is as lazy as sin and will pocket a good few pound, when maybe it could have been divided a bit fairer with them still getting more but not everything.

[gotthemoononastick]

Frantically making little labelled piles of jewellery!Also searching for cats homes in yellow pages!

[cozietoesie]

Give the jewellery away when you're alive, gotthemoononastick. I think people often hang on to pieces which no longer suit them or which the younger members of the family would appreciate well. No need.