To think parents' wills should leave equal shares to siblings

[thegreedysister]

Is there ever a situation when this shouldn't happen?

I can understand special clauses for siblings with special needs/disabilities but if all things are equal in this area is there ever a good reason to not split things equally?

[AThingInYourLife]

"The thing is as parents we can't truly give equally, but we should try to equally meet needs as they arise.
It ends up looking unfair, but it has to do with meeting needs."

I think that's a load of bollocks actually.

And the usual excuse trotted out for treating children unfairly.

It's not hard at all to treat your children in a way that is obviously fair and even handed.

If you can't manage it, it's because you don't want to.

[KittensoftPuppydog]

I got a larger share of my parents tiny estate because my siblings had already benefitted from another inheritance. A note was left with the will, explaining this, but I still think it was a shock for them. I just think that everything should be out in the open.

[Mintyy]

needaholidaynow
Yes, my ddad had two children (me and my older brother) from his marriage to my mum.

Then he had three children with my step-mother.

Apparently he has left £5,000 each to me and my older brother in his will (died two years ago).

All the rest goes to step mother. She is a lot younger. He has left her a house worth £700,000 and very good pensions to live on. She is planning to down size and give a substantial amount (say £50,000 each) to her 3 dc and when she dies everything else will be shared equally between her 3 children. Nothing to me and my brother.

And she obviously expects me to be fine with that!

[UptheChimney]

I cant discuss this with them mumgran as I would feel too greedy, like all I care about is the money, but it is not just about the money

I really feel for you, OP. As someone has said upthread, wills are often more than just about the money. Or the money has a sort of symbolic value about the way you are thought of in the family. Look at all the old novels about wills & inheritances.

One of my OH's aunts was left out of her father's will, for no apparent reason that my OH or his aunt or mother could tell, and my MiL and the their sister just redivided the estate so their left-out sister got an equal share. It made us really think about our wills. It happened just before my OH died at a far too young age, and sadly, it was just as well we'd got our wills in order.

But I'd say don't withdraw-really, that will make it worse. Could you ask them why they've decided to treat their children unequally? Try not to make it about the money, but about what the will division represents to you -- that you feel rejected. Decent parents should try to understand and explain.

People who've said that it's the parents' money, well, yes, but the parents have sent copies of their will to all their children. What's going on there? Why did the parents do that? Were they trying to tell their children somethig (a bit passive-aggreesive, in my view)

[DawnOfTheDee]

Can someone answer a question for me? I have a friend who has a sibling that lives with her parents. He doesn't pay any board and his children live there too (on the days he has custody). She said that if her parents die then her brother would get the house even though the will splits everything evenly as he's a dependant. She's not too fussed about this as owns her own home outright already but I thought if her parents have split things evenly then the house would have to be sold? Is this not the case then?

[orangepudding]

DawnOfTheDee - I know of a man in his late 40's who always lived at home with his mum. When she died he had to move out of his home as his siblings decided to sell and he couldn't afford to buy them out. He had no more rights than they did.

[DawnOfTheDee]

That's what I thought orangepudding.

I wonder if we were all a bit more open and less squeamish about death in general then these things would be discussed more openly. As others have said in the majority of cases the writer of the will is not intending to cause distress and the breakdown of relationships yet that is what happens all too often.

[navada]

Dawnofthedee. It depends how the will is written. It could state that the house is to be split equally but with a proviso that the son who's living there can stay in the property for as long as he wants ( & so effectively leaving everything to him )

[ICantRememberWhatSheSaid]

I think my Dad will leave more money to my siblings than to me. I don't need the money at all whereas it would be useful for my siblings.

I understand this but I still don't like it. I have always worked hard and saved while my siblings have always been lazy and have frittered any money that comes their way. I feel like I am being penalised for being self sufficient and hard working. I have never been flash with my cash and have always been conscious not to talk about it with my family.

My dad loves us all the same and I can see his thinking but it still bugs me. I haven't talked to him about it but I would like to know for sure what he was planning. I think I should let him know that it bothers me.
It is wrong but it feels like he is giving my money to my siblings rather than his own money. The rational part of me thinks he should do what he wants as it is HIS money but, secretely, it hurts.

Some of the stories on this thread are very

[MarmiteNotVegemite]

There is nothing "practical" about favouring a child who never moves out of your home and making him far wealthier than your other children.

It's so unbelievably and obviously unfair and unkind.

To do that to your children and expect it not to affect how they feel about you, each other, and themselves is just idiotic

This.

YANBU. Sorry you feel so upset.

[beals692]

"Money is money...it won't hug you when you are down, support you emotionally through a crisis or help to share your triumphs."

But it is often used to send a message and, with a will, it's their final message to their child. Money is certainly used to communicate to children who is the most favoured (e.g. an ex-girlfriend of mine whose straight brother was given lots of financial help etc which she wasn't given because they didn't approve of her being gay). It's not necessarily just wills - I've also seen threads on here where a grandparent has brought lavish gifts for all their 'blood' grandchildren and nothing or something from the pound shop for the adopted child. Now, yes, you can say it's just a toy and you are being materialistic to bother about these things but it is intended to send a message and it is understood as a message (at least to the parents in this case, even if the child is too young to understand.)

People think the things they say on their death bed are their final words but the last communication their family ever receive from them is the will and, yes, people should think about the message they send to their loved ones. If parents do think there is a reason to split the will unequally, I think it is best that they tell their children that prior to their death so they can discuss the reasons and allow the children to ask questions, get reassurance that they are loved and have closure. Any outstanding issues or questions about their relationship with their parents can make it more difficult for people to cope with bereavement so it's best to be able to discuss these things while they are still around.

In terms of accusations of being money-grabbing and greedy, I always encourage my parents to spend their money, go on holidays etc. If I didn't inherit anything because they had spent every penny they earnt on enjoying themselves, I would be happy with that. If I didn't inherit anything because they decided to leave it all to my brother then I would feel devastated. It's not about the money.

[Raum]

My brother lives less than a mile from my parents who adore him, I live over fifty miles away and visit every week with my children. My brother pops in three times a year. My parents are well aware who will be looking after them in old age.. me.

Yet I know I will get a smaller part of any will, personally I'd rather they spent it and had a blast though. It's their money after all!

[Mintyy]

I think there is a great deal of missing the point on this thread and I would like to see some of these posters being so sanguine if/when it happens to them. It just makes you feel less loved, the money really isn't the issue.

My elder brother is really properly wealthy. I still think my father should have left us all an equal amount.

[Hulababy]

Parents will should be entirely up to them, and nothing to do with anyone else tbh. It's their choice. Maybe one child needs more supprt, or one child has been more involved in their parents care before the death, etc.

Work on the basis that you get no inheritance then you don't get disappointed.

I tell my parents to enjoy everything they have now whilst they can. They earned it so they should spend it and enjoy it imo.

[navada]

I agree Mintyy - it's not the money, it's the 'you're not as important/ special' attitude.

Split it equally - it's the only way to do it.

[AThingInYourLife]

beals6 has it.

[Jinsei]

I don't really get some of the comments about the sibling who does most of the caring getting more. Obviously if they have made financial sacrifices in order to look after their parents, that's one thing, but if they haven't, I see no reason why they should get more just because they have done more.

My parents moved to live just down the road from me and DH, whereas my DSis lives several hundred miles away. Inevitably, DH and I end up doing lots more for them than DSis and BIL, but that's just because they're on our doorstep. I would be mortified if they tried to acknowledge what we do in their wills - we do it because they are my parents, and not for any reward. I have no doubt that DSis would do the same if she was in a position to do so.

I guess it's up to each individual to divide their estate as they see fit, but I hope that my own parents do it fairly. DH and I only have one dc, so thankfully the issue won't arise for us. :)

[MumnGran]

Mintyy ............"My dad wrote his will before he met my stepmother"

Are they now married? if so, then you may want to let him know that the original will is over-ridden .....marriage invalidates existing Wills.
Although obviously your father could make a new one, exactly the same as the old. It just needs to be drawn up after the marriage date.

[marjproops]

Im one of 5 siblings. im also the runt of the litter and unwanted (from the horses mouths).

ive been told im not getting a penny. yet the vultures are, especially favourite whos got a top nob job and earns tons.

im the o nly one struggling with a disability and and a disabled child.

you do the maths.

[Mintyy]

MumnGran you are getting mixed up with another poster. My father is now dead.

[MumnGran]

Mintyy ....I am so sorry, and do apologise if this caused you any upset, Entirely my fault .....I replied to the post from needaholidaynow, then went back to check the name, and eye must just have registered the highlighted one.

[Mintyy]

No, no, really please don't apologise!