Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

[TreesAndFlowers]

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises ?large scale? brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We?ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It?s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don?t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it?s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I?m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn?t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

Curlew you are competely missing the point.

Can you really not see the difference to a music award/football position given on merit and taking turns on occasional events?

Either you really are this stupid or you are being purposely obtuse. Either way your arguments hold no water.

X posts Holiday

Curlew it really does depend on the situation - obviously an award/prize is totally different.

in this case - the event is optional, not part of the expected duty of the leader (the other leaders choose not to go at all);

5 other children get to go, by the sounds of it there are 3 times a year so this way everyone goes at least once or twice

it is a whole weekend with long drives etc involved not just a morning's footie.

It seems the main critics on here are those who are polishing their halos and trying to make the OP feel guilty that hers isn't so shiny.

I am getting it. There is an opportunity for 6 brownies to do something. Except in this pack, only 5 get the chance because one of them gets to go every time. My dp takes 13 players to a match- 11 and 2 subs. There are 25 in the squad, so he rotates the players so everyone gets as close to an equal number of games, subs and training back at our home ground. If he took the view that he wanted to spend every Sunday with his ds, ds would get more matches than anyone else, which would be hugely unfair.

Perks of being a volunteer. They could volunteer and their dd could attended too.
We had this in my guides unit (I'm 31 so a fair while ago) and the leader's dd went to everything. It was assumed she would. People do like a good moan though. They should be grateful you give up all the time you do to run the unit and I would encourage you to spend as much time as possible with your dd.

So dp quite often spends a very long Sunday afternoon not seeing his own children because he is taking other people's children to a match.

Curlew compare like for like fgs!!

The equivelent to a weekly football match is the weekly meeting.

The OP isn't excluding anyone from the weekly meeting.

I agree with wouldliketobehere, sounds like you are just trying to make your dh sound wonderful

"There is an opportunity for 6 brownies to do something."
The opportunity only exists because the OP is prepared to volunteer her free time on the condition that she takes her DD with her.
Without the OPs generosity zero brownies will have the opportunity- because no other adults are prepared to help out.

Would it really better for everyone for the OP to vote with her feet and stop volunteering entirely?

YANBU

I was a Tawny Owl many moons ago and my DD was in my pack. Throughout the few years I did it we only managed one holiday because getting help was impossible (and yes, DD came on that holiday). Brown Owl and I would spend hours planning activities for the girls and we always asked for parental help. The excuses were wide ranging but none of them ever bothered to volunteer, not even for half an hour to serve the juice and biscuits.
The evenings I've stood outside the church hall waiting for parents who could be up to an hour late you wouldn't believe.
I resigned when I returned to Uni because I didn't have the time to devote to it anymore.

There isn't an opportunity for 6 brownies to do anything. There is an opportunity for 5 because the OP and her daughter generously allow them to go with them in their car. There would be the opportunity for more brownies to do things if other parents offered the same. They don't.

Why on earth would I care what a lot of strangers think about my dp?

If it's not every week, then there's even less reason to favour your own child-surely it would be possible to find someone else to look after her for the occasional Saturday? The OP says that the other girls get two out of three of these events- and her dd would too if she took her turn with everyone else. So we're talking about finding alternative child care for one Saturday a year!

But there isn't an opportunity for 6 generic brownies to do something.

The OP wants to take her DD so she also creates an opportunity for 5 other brownies to go.

Before she started taking her DD no leaders went so there was an opportunity for zero brownies to go.

On the occasions that the OP doesn't go with her DD none of the other leaders go so there is an opportunity for zero brownies to go.

Once the OP's DD has finished at brownies the OP won't be going so there will be an opportunity for zero brownies to go.

The OP does her totally altruistic, devoting-herself-to-the-good-of-the-pack-as-a-whole, stuff when she gives up several hours every week, plus church parades and mandatory training and certification plus District meetings etc. etc. etc. These county events are add-on extras, as witnessed by the fact that before the OP started going no one could be arsed to take any brownies at all from the pack along to them. And there isn't a theoretical limit of six who can be selected (as with your only-13-can-go-to-a-match scenario). Every brownie who wants to go could do so if even one other adult could be arsed to help out -- it seems odd to single out for criticism the OP, who willingly takes five unrelated children along with her several times a year, rather than the other leaders/helpers/potential leaders/potential helpers who never take any unrelated children at all.

YANBU.

If the other parents don't like it they may want to think about giving up their precious time to volunteer.

It's a well deserved perk of the job in my opinion.

Given that many (brave!) people end up running brownie/cubs/guides/scouts/rainbows because they had children in the appropriate age-range, and their volunteering would -also- benefit their own children... How many leaders would be left if they were forced to comply with policies that meant running the group was actually detrimental to their own children, eh?

If the OP takes six other children away for the trip, that means that her own daughter not only doesn't participate but also doesn't see her mother that weekend, because her mother's spending her time on other people's children.

So how many people do you think will remain leaders? The OP is a hardcore volunteer who has been a Brown Owl before she even had children, and she's not willing to make that deal!

But it's a whole weekend away Curlew, not just an afternoon. And it's voluntary, the OP is giving up her own time to do it. If the OP is going to give up her weekend to go on the trip, which she doesn't have to do, why shouldn't she make it a condition that she brings her own child?

And a whole weekend with Brownies is far from a walk in the park.

You get the criers who miss their Mums, the fussy eaters, the arguments, the laughing and joking until 3am followed by the sleep deprived misery during the next mornings activities. You can be caked in mud and soaked to the skin when out on walks and generally come the Sunday afternoon you are completely and utterly knackered.

Curlew Thank you for volunteering. You and your DH seem to be some of the very few selfless volunteers. That's a genuine thank you by the way but not every one is as selfless as you. It would be lovely if they were, but it's not right to expect it of everyone.

There is a shortage of volunteers anyway. If people had to make sacrifices or were never allowed to get something out of it for their families, then there would be even fewer volunteering. How would that benefit anyone?

I think we should be grateful to anyone who contributes anything, no matter how small that contribution is.

I hope your parents appreciate you. You do sound a very genuine person.

YANBU

I think the families of guide / scout leaders often lose out (I am looking at you, parents who collect your children late EVERY week so my DH is late back from Beavers and DS1&2 are late getting to Cubs. DS3 is asleep by then so I can't take them).

You're not favouring your DD over other Brownies at weekly meetings, but I think most people would agree that weekends are different. The children of leaders at our group do more of the weekend activities - some of the leaders are the partners of other leaders so it's unavoidable. Fortunately we have a good few regular helpers that mean other children don't miss out.

Without the op kindly giving up her time to take the other brownies no other child would have the chance.

I would change the policy to who ever don't get picked the 1st time, automatically gets a place next time with the remainder put back into the raffle. That way it guaranteed every one will go once a year.

Curlew is just confusing it with a completely irrelevant situation. If my DH was a football coach of course he would select the best- however he would jolly well take DS along too because I would have other plans and am not paying for a sitter. If parents refused to be volunteer drivers for the match then their DC would miss out, our DS needs a seat in DH's car, whether he plays or not. I remember DS's football days- one if the best players had parents who never, ever turned out for lifts or support. The coach always gave him a lift- I wouldn't - I would excuse the parents a lot of the time but I would expect at least 2 lifts a season.

The parents never even gave him petrol money or a bottle of wine! I'm not too sure they even thanked him!

Utterly ridiculous, of course you're daughter should go, you spend you precious spare time volunteering to care for other people's children, why should your daughter not benefit from it too. You don't do it so that your child has preferential treatment, would these parents volunteer to help out and leave their children at home? I think not!

Brown Owls and other leaders spend a fair amount of family time preparing activities for all the children involved so they should take that into account too.

Sorry 'you're' should have been 'your' bloody iPad!

Sorry not read the whe thread!

I was all set to kick off from the title but actually I agree with you. Without you putting in your time and effort to run to brownie pack, none of the girls would get to go to any of them! If the other parents want to volunteer then girl guides would love to have them I'm sure and they can give their own dd priority.

As long as you're treating your dd like the other kids in meeting and actually on the trips then its fine that she gets to go on all of them!

I do think parents forget how much time and effort is put into organising things for their little darlings by VOLUNTEERS. My friend had someone get cross at something she volunteered at saying it was "your job" to do something. The person getting cross was a parent and not helping and whatever she was cross about was very trivial. My friend said "no actually, xyz is my job. This is what I do for free so your DC can do this activity"