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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

230 replies

TreesAndFlowers · 17/06/2013 14:27

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises ?large scale? brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We?ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It?s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don?t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it?s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I?m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn?t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
alarkthatcouldpray · 18/06/2013 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 18/06/2013 10:49

Never underestimate the inability of parents- particularly a group of parents- to figure anything out at all. And if there is muttering, the OP needs to do something or the muttering will reach her child.

[bitter experience emoticon]

alarkthatcouldpray · 18/06/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 18/06/2013 10:54

And we are back to the OP being perfectly reasonable and the bitching parents being ridiculously entitled?

In this situation if something was said to my kid, I would take my bat and ball and go home, there are other activities my kids can take part in.

TheBigJessie · 18/06/2013 10:55

I'm amazed at the brass-neck of parents who expect a volunteer to take six children on a weekend brownie trip and give up seeing her own child for the weekend!

If I got my husband to take over the children for the weekend, I would have a no-children-at-all weekend, not a six-other-children-instead weekend!

alarkthatcouldpray · 18/06/2013 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chivetalking · 18/06/2013 11:22

Perfect illustration of why nobody wants to do these things any more Hmm OP, YANBU.

I'd be inclined to tell them as they obviously know how things should run far better than me the entire job is all theirs Wink

exoticfruits · 18/06/2013 13:36

Words fail me too! And then you are supposed to send a letter explaining! 'Good grief' are the only words I can find!

Scholes34 · 18/06/2013 14:55

It's a no-brainer. At our church, Brown Owl's daughters run Rainbows and Brownies with her, and her granddaughter is in Rainbows. Did she jump the waiting list to get in? Who cares? Cubs is run by Akela, along with Mrs Akela, who does all the cooking for camp, and their sons used to be in Cubs and Scouts, but now help out, because Akela insists they do. They also take up spaces on camp. Who cares? The Scout leader did an amazing dinner with Scouts, to which parents came - and paid £15 a head. The Scout leader's girlfriend came along. I doubt she paid £15 for her meal. Who cares?

I'd certainly care if Brown Owl, Akela and the Scout leader didn't turn up every week for the meetings. In return, I'm CRB checked and on the Executive Committee of the Group. A big thank you to all Scouting and Guide leaders for the time they AND THEIR FAMILIES put into looking after our children and introducing them to lots of exciting things.

shewhowines · 18/06/2013 15:05

Wow- I am amazed that so many people think this is OK! Of course it's not fair. Look at it like this. If it was something that only, say 2 Brownies were selected for, would it still be OK that Brown Owl's daughter was always one of the two?

Yes it would still be ok as far as i'm concerned. Then at least one other child gets a go. The other option is a big fat none.

I'm getting angry at this thread. I knew this entitled attitude existed but i didn't realise how prevalent it is. No wonder people don't volunteer.

Well done those few entitled people, who are in effect making many children miss out, by moaning all the time. No doubt this thread has put off many potential volunteers. It's already made the OP reconsider.

Be grateful for what is provided or shut up

Crinkle77 · 18/06/2013 15:12

I think you need to be blunt and say well if anyone else wants to volunteer to run the trips then fair enough but if you didn't then none of the girls would get to go at all.

curlew · 18/06/2013 15:13

Just checking- do you think that my dp would be perfectly entitled to pick our son to play in every match because he volunteers as a football coach?

I think that would be incredibly entitled of him!

FussandMess · 18/06/2013 15:19

Its completely different Curlew. What is so hard to understand about that?
Surely you can see the differences?

And even if you can't, surely you can understand the point Morloth and many others have made time after time. That the event simply wouldn't happen if the OP couldn't take her dd?

Its not that hard to understand

GraduateofPoorComp · 18/06/2013 15:22

Curlew : in my son's footie team parents have to volunteer to drive kids to awaY matches. I wouldn't expect your son to not have a place in his dad's car. Whether he plays or not is another matter.

GraduateofPoorComp · 18/06/2013 15:23

Oh and OP YANBU.

I'm a non-volunteer who appreciates those that do. Thank you all.

curlew · 18/06/2013 15:24

Why is it different? Football wouldn't happen if my dp didn't coach. If ds isn't playing somebody has to look after him, and dp spends a long Sunday afternoon not spending time with his own children....

Dp and I volunteer for two different activities each- two of the four wouldn't happen if we didn't make them happen. Neither of us would think that means our children should get priority.

shewhowines · 18/06/2013 15:25

curlew

I would understand if he played every match, yes. What would be unfair is if he was always played for the whole match and didn't get a fair and equal amount of time on the bench.

shewhowines · 18/06/2013 15:30

And yes, in our football club, the coaches kids do play in every match. That is fair. I wouldn't expect them to have to arrange childcare.

Many of them do it because their childs team needs a coach - and i'm bloody grateful to them or my child wouldn't have an opportunity to play.

redskyatnight · 18/06/2013 15:32

curlew Assuming this is a team where everyone is expected to play- if there is no other adult prepared to attend matches, I would have no problem with your DS playing in every match. I might expect him to be subbed and not play the whole game though. Football is a bit different though, because presumably there are games fairly frequently, so if DS did miss one it wouldn?t be long to wait till the next.

GraduateofPoorComp · 18/06/2013 15:33

In the footie teams I know of where a Dad is coaching, the child has gone in the squad as of right (so no waiting-list) and then team choice is done different ways depending on age. At the younger age everyone gets a turn with substitutions, older ones it gets to be more of the "best team".

The OP's weekend trips are add-ons to the main weekly meetings. If parents want their girls to go every time, some of them are going to have to drive too. It doesn't really seem unfair to me to take her own DD.

HolidayArmadillo · 18/06/2013 15:38

No curlew that wouldn't be fair, but you know what else wouldn't be fair? If the son wasn't allowed to go in his dads car because it too full with other people's brats. People who cant be arsed to drive their own offspring to matches that's the comparable situation.

MrsDoomsPatterson · 18/06/2013 15:46

Just curious what would happen if your daughter was ill on the day, Op? Would you ditch the trip or carry on (presuming there was another carer to be with her)

whoknowsyou · 18/06/2013 15:56

Wow ! Way too many people saying it isn't fair IMHO.

The ignorance/entitlement of some folks is just astonishing.

If you want your child to have the best opportunities go out of your way to make sure they get them through your own efforts, not through expecting to benefit from the volunteering of others.

I would accept that my child couldn't have a place on a trip due to leaders' children needing priority. Why should the volunteer parent barely get to spend any time with their child that weekend because of the mutterings of the "I know my rights but sod my social responsibilities" brigade.

If you want your child to go and they don't get a place, then volunteer ! Your child will then have a guaranteed place and other kids will get to go too.

A carefully worded notice needs to be circulated to educate the self-centred mutterers as to how wrong their train of thought is and why it is a no-brainer that your dd gets to go on each trip.

We've recently had a weekend event and I thanked the leaders on collecting my child with a small individual edible gift for all involved. I was possibly the only parent who did this, maybe the other parents just said thankyou, sadly I suspect some wouldn't even think to say that.

curlew · 18/06/2013 16:05

And just to think, dp and I have been volunteering in various capacities for 15 years now, and not once have we given our children priority for anything. It would just never have crossed our minds. If anything, we have probably gone a little the other way, just to ensure that we couldn't be accused of favouritism. Well, things are going to be different now! Football awards evening coming up- and a couple of good musical gigs. I was going to pick the best musician, but as I will be driving the car.......

HolidayArmadillo · 18/06/2013 16:24

You're not getting it. Deliberately or otherwise. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain it again. You're not comparing like with like.