Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

[TreesAndFlowers]

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises ?large scale? brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We?ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It?s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don?t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it?s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I?m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn?t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

YANBU at all. It would only take one other adult to volunteer and then all the interested Brownies could go.

Can you send out a letter with the brownies explaining that x,y,z event is coming up, there must be an adult per 6 brownies, you will go as usual with 5 spaces and obviously your DD as otherwise you'd have childcare issues but state there are often more brownies wanting to go, so any parent volunteers would be appreciated?

That way you have set out in black and white that its not negotiable to leave your DD behind, and batted the ball into the other parents' court if they want their kids to be guaranteed a spot?

For what it's worth though, YANBU! If you put the time and effort in, small perks are part of the deal.

In answer to questions

• There is no practical alternative brownie pack she can attend
• In the 10 years before I had children I regularly attended these events when other commitments/inclination allowed
• In the 9 years between having children and DD starting brownies I didn?t attend these events at all. Very occasionally another leader went. Basically they weren?t offered to the girls.
• When my DC were little I went on pack holidays and gave up whole days of weekends to help at guiding events. I left the children with DH. It got to a point that I felt I was giving more to other people?s children than to my own so I stopped doing it. I?ve restarted helping at these (local) events since DD started brownies (actually when she started Rainbows) and I also help out at cub events (to make it fair for DS!)
• If it came to a choice between not taking DD or not attending the event at all, the choice would be not at all. Same thing as will probably happen when she goes to guides.
• DD is not prioritised in any other way. In fact it?s usually the opposite. I am careful never to choose her for ?things?, if we run short of items that are given out (badges, gifts ?), she?s always the child that has to wait to get hers, and she regularly has to hang around before and after brownie events while I am setting up/clearing away. Being a brownie leader?s daughter is not a bed of roses ?

This is why I didn't have dd in my unit! It's rather unfair to say "Well I'm not going because my dd isn't!" Either you run them fairly and give the other girls a chance or you don't run them at all.

My sister has done the same she is a cub leader in a unit seperate from her son. Personally that does not work for me. I work a fulltime job where I commute 2 hours each day my evening and weekend time is precious and is used to spend time with my children. Other parents benefit form the time me and the other leaders give up and the option is always, always there for parents to get involved. Brownies also get bumped up the waiting list if their parents are involved as leaders none of this is unfair because we point out to parents all the time that this can be the same for their children if they want to get involved. Most parents I have experienced are like I was before I became a leader grateful to those who had the time to do it.

it's not even the childcare issues. It's the fact that she is the OP's daughter, and this is the OP's weekend. Presumably the OP wants to spend it with her own daughter or not at all (or is that just me :o)

It's because of people like you that Brownie troops are still running, there is no Rainbow troop in my area because no one ( including me) wants to take the responsibility on, take your daughter

I don't think its even a perk - surely it is the only realistic option? Perhaps you could get a letter going round, again asking for volunteers and stressing that this is the way to get more brownies taking part, although of course any volunteer would be expected to be taking their daughter along to avoid unnecessary childcare problems?

It is unbelievable that some people think it is unfair.

Do you charge petrol money etc for this?

Are people complaining that the other leaders don't go?

Unbelievable. I am still shaking my head wondering at the selfishness and entitled attitudes of these other parents.

YANBU

You are so NBU.
5 brownies get to go because of your volunteering.
All brownies get to go at some point over the year.
Nobody is totally missing out.
Ignore the complainers. If the boot was on the other foot, would they be leaving their dd's behind of a weekend? I think not.
Step up or shut up I say!

YANBU at all. Send a letter saying you need more volunteers and those people will get their DDs automatic places, like yours has because you give up your time EVERY trip!

People are keen to moan but far less keen to give up their own time, unfortunately.

neunundneunzigluftballons the excluding of girls from the activity you mention is awful. Did anyone else complain? Can't imagine what justification there could be for it.

I think your way is fair enough.
I would never complain in that situation, just be grateful that someone was willing to give up their time so my dd could sometimes go to these events. If they don't look it they should volunteer themselves

Totally not U!

Can't believe the cheak of some people.

I also amazed that anyone would think this was unfair too.
It's perfectly fair as there's nothing whatsoever stopping the other parents volunteering too and their children getting a guaranteed place too.

They choose not to put the time in: their child misses out.
You choose to put the time in: your child doesn't miss out.

I think I might have blown a gasket when I was a leader if parents moaned like this.

You are unpaid.
It would possibly be unfair if you were paid to attend these activities, but you are not, and taking your daughter is one of the conditions, that seems fair.
If it's a problem, one of the others needs to step up and take your place.

But they won't.
Whingers never do.

Noone complained because thankfully when dh realised what was going on he just ignored the guy in charge and told the parents things would be continuing as usual. The guy had agreed everything with dh but neglected to mention that he had decided to exclude the girls he had done something similar another day organising an event where only boys were involved and then telling parents to take the girls away. He has form. You get them everywhere.

Also keep in mind that the GA wouldn't expect you to leave your daughter behind either.

I stopped leading when I was pregnant. When my daughter was 6 I was approached by the district commissioner and asked if I'd come back. I said I couldn't because I had no childcare. They arranged special insurance so she could go too and enrolled her as soon as she was old enough, leapfrogging over a massive waiting list.

Sorry - have I missed it ? What was the answer to
Why not ask parents to sign up to help out on these trips so all who want to go, can go ?

My dh coached a youth football team for several years which ds also belonged to. For all the years he attended ds was never considered for an end of season prize eg most improved player or suchlike, even when he deseved it, because dh thought the other parents would be upset and think he was favouring his own son. Ds was really upset by this - to him it seemed that he would never win a prize no matter how good he was - and he was right!

I think parents who are good enough to make the time and effort to do stuff like this should not worry about what other parents think, and give their own kids the best experience they can. As has been said, after all anyone can volunteer if they want to, and give their kids priority too!

YANBU. I'm a Rainbow leader, and if I attend an event then DD (in my unit) comes too, along with up to 4 other Rainbows (we're 5:1 ratio out of the meeting hall).

Like PPs have said, if the parents are muttering then by all means invite them to volunteer as a parent helper (or a unit helper?) so that more can attend. Or make it clear to them that if your DD is unable to attend then you will also be unable to attend and nobody will get the chance.

My division has a clear policy that children of leaders can leapfrog waiting lists to join a unit/pack, and similar applies to trips. But we are very short of adult volunteers (I run my unit with a parent rota) and it helps encourage them!

It's not as simple as putting your name on a list.
They'd have to have an enhanced CRB check, the car insurance, if the adult is expected to run an activity, the comittment to not dropping out at the last minute...
That's a lot of bother

Well, they need to realise that part of the reason you give up your time is so your DD can go. If they want they can volunteer can't they!

YANBU.

YANBU, I like Graduallygoinginsanes wording though, which explains why your DD goes on every trip and if they were prepared to sacrifice their weekend and go through the necessary vetting procedures then their DD could go on the trip too.

YANBU, on of our most dedicated Guiders is also a FT working single mum. Her DD has to tag along because she has no one else to stay with.

Yes a lot of the time her DD wants to come, but I'm sure there are times when she doesn't.

I'm sorry, but parents have to accept that volunteers do the best they can and it's not always perfect.

DD2 has given up scouts because the new leaders activities aren't as good as the old ones, such is life.
I've been a brown owl, pre DCs is jolly hard work.

What brownowlali said ^^ just that.

Perhaps the muttering parents would also like to give up the (perceived) hour and a half a week it takes to run a brownie pack.

Explain that it's a perk of being the daughter of the leader, not favouritism and that if they volunteered to help, another 6 girls could also go.

Grrr, on your behalf, I'm a brownie leader too by the way.

I meant brownowlahi, sorry