Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

[TreesAndFlowers]

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises ?large scale? brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We?ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It?s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don?t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it?s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I?m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn?t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

I don't drive kids around, organise sausage sizzles, sit through band rehearsals, man canteens, cut up oranges, wrangle other people's kids etc out of the goodness of my heart.

I do it because my kids are part of the team/band/school, and looking after the team means that they can take part in stuff.

Not a chance I would be doing it if it didn't directly benefit them, there are about a gazillion other things I would rather be doing/are more worthy of my time.

If you can't help out, no worries I know all about being busy and say No to things quite regularly, but that also means that you have less position when it comes to complaining about process/policies.

I don't actually view doing stuff for your own kid's activities as 'volunteering' exactly.

It is more 'facilitating' in my view.

Good point about the family tensions badkitten

DH may be able to look after his DD on his own at home whilst his wife is on camp but if I were him I would be unhappy about that, because both of them are being put out by her volunteering- when DD is able and would like to go to, something she and her mother are both part of.

He didn't sign up to his wife being absent. She volunteered. He may not mind, but that is not the point.

Just coming back to this ?

Whilst most people seem to be saying YANBU, the number of people who think I ABU is really making me start to think.

To answer the question as to why we don?t just ask for extra volunteers ? We do! Every single time we have a newsletter or a separate event/activity we ask for volunteers.
Generally we get a resounding lack of response (we do have a few parents who will help for odd meeting nights, but no one who is prepared to drive for an hour or more and spend a whole Saturday/Sunday/weekend). A couple of weeks ago we had to cancel an activity because we couldn?t find a whole 2 extra adults to help for a one off 1.5 hours.
I was actually laughing out loud at all the ?why don?t you just ask people to come and help, then their children could come too?? responses ? if only it were that easy!

Also quite upset at the snide remarks about DH not being able to look after his own child. DH is perfectly capable of looking after his own child, and does so very regularly when I go to guiding trainings/help at other units/go to planning meetings. Just that neither of us quite see why he should, when it?s something that DD could come along to with me.

Some people made the point that you don?t just do it for your own children. To reiterate my comment up thread ? I?ve been a brownie leader for 15+ years before I had a girl that was old enough to directly benefit. In that time, I?ve entirely altruistically given up more hours of my time FOR OTHER PEOPLE?S CHILDREN than I care to count. I was a leader long before I had children, so of course there was always the possibility that I?d never have a girl who wanted to be a brownie, but since I do, I personally feel that I?ve stored up enough brownie points (pun intended) to give her a few perks.

Can I tell you about one pack holiday I ran? DH was working away during the week, so I had to set up for the pack holiday on Friday with 15 month DS underfoot. When DH got home we had about 20 minutes together before he left for the weekend with DS. I?d just found out that I was pregnant with DD and had dreadful morning sickness and spent a fair bit of the weekend throwing up (whilst pretending not to, as I didn?t want to tell anyone about the pregnancy). I finished the pack holiday, on the Sunday, rushed home and literally had time to say ?bye? to DH before he passed DS over to me, and had to leave again for work. Believe it or not I was not running that pack holiday for my own benefit. And only two parents had the courtesy to thank me. It was sometime shortly after that holiday that I decided that my own family was coming first. Though as I still spend a considerable amount of time on guiding activities, perhaps I haven?t quite worked that one out.

I?ve always felt that my taking 5 brownies and DD was giving opportunities to 5 brownies who wouldn?t otherwise have them (as no one from our unit went when I wasn?t going to them). I?m now thinking it?s not worth the grief ?

Trees. Of course you should take her. There is absolutely no question - and I thoroughly applaud the time you put into running the whole pack to the advantage of all of the other children.

However, if you're hearing moaning, surely being completely up-front about any volunteers being able to 'prioriitise' their daughters would hopefully point out to them just how unfair they have been about you taking your daughter - I mean, how many of them would volunteer to go and take other people's children and not their own - none of them.

I do think that some people need to add a large dash of reality into what they think is reasonable for a Brown Owl to do on a voluntary basis!

:( Trees. I stopped volunteering because of the constant criticism from a set of parents. I really couldn't handle it. I've seen so many volunteers burn out from committing to more than they have to give at the expense of their own families. It sounds as though you have found a lovely balance that enables you to spend quality time with your DD and it would be such a shame to jack it all in. Could you arrange a meeting with all the parents to frankly discuss the situation and make it clear that if no one steps up to help out, you can only take 5 + your DD?

DD1's rainbow leader has a daughter in Rainbows and a daughter in brownies.

She is a fantastic leader, I can see the amount of effort and paperork that goes into each event. She organises a lot more than other packs in the area. Certainly a lot more than when I was a Brownie many moons ago. It seems almost like every other week they are doing something exciting. She really is that good.

She also works FT I think and rushes to straight to rainbows. Honestly she is amazing.

Maybe the motivation is because her daughter is also a Rainbow. I don't know and I don't care. I'm just very grateful for the experiences she is giving my dd.

If her daughter come first then its a small thing compared to how much of her time and effort she gives.

YANBU.

The vast majority say YANBU. Don't take any notice of the few who say you are. It seems more than there are, because there are repeat posts arguing their point. It really isn't many people.

But yes, this op demonstrates why there is a shortage of volunteers.
A few bad apples...

Excuse typos - sausage fingers on iPhone.

Obviously with the number of people who moan about volunteers running fun activities for other people's DC in their spare time and the number of MNers there have to be a few in the middle of the Venn diagram.

Ignore the few. Especially ignore those who say 'just ask for volunteers' - they must live in a wonderful rose tinted bubble!

The silliest was that you need to volunteer for purely altruistic reasons.

I was on the PTA - I had no desire to be on the PTA but they needed people and it helped make friends.
I was chair of the pre school- I had no desire to do anything other than drop off and pick up. It would have folded without a chair person- I did the job.
I helped at NCT sales, it gave me first pick- I have seen on here that those who help are supposed to give up all that time and let those who do nothing swan in and have first pick! Sod that- you wouldn't have an NCT sale!
I put my DS down for Beavers aged 2yrs- found he was unlikely to get a place- discovered it was lack of leaders- became a leader.
Now have volunteered for something I really enjoy and discover(after joining) there is a big perk- makes it well worth it.
I volunteer for other things because they are very friendly, have socials etc.
I have discovered that many of the younger people are volunteering because it adds to their CV or they hope to get a job through it.

I can't see what is wrong with any of the above. Those organising volunteers know full well they have to be friendly and treat them well or they go and volunteer elsewhere. Too much criticism from parents and I would resign and say 'in that case YOU do it'.

Wow- I am amazed that so many people think this is OK! Of course it's not fair. Look at it like this. If it was something that only, say 2 Brownies were selected for, would it still be OK that Brown Owl's daughter was always one of the two? I run a music group that my child goes to- recently I had to select I child for an event- would it have been OK for me to automatically choose my own? My dp coaches kids football- should our child automatically be picked to play in every match?

Curlew but it isn't one of two children is it?

Nor is it a regular thing like a football match.

Why twist the scenerio?

Stick to the facts.

It is 6 children doing the event. 5 of which wouldn't be going at all if it wasn't for the OP.

And it isn't the main reason for joining for rainbows, unlike football matches, it is an aside, an extra to the weekly meetings.

Either compare like for like or just stick to the facts mentioned. Otherwise your arguments are worthless.

I have always assumed that the football coach would take their own DC even if they didn't get to play. They would physically be there.

YANBU

It is utterly ridiculous to expect Brown Owl to pay for a babysitter for a day (shuddering at the cost) to look after other people's DCs for free!!

MN never ceases to amaze me!

Right now 5 kids are getting to do something because of the OP's effort.

If the OP stops putting that effort in because some lazy gits are bitching then those 5 kids miss out.

So your choices are 5 kids get a treat on a rotational basis or no-one does.

See how clear and simple that is? Duh.

There are pros and cons to volunteering for your kid's stuff.

Well put Morloth.

Some people are so selfish and entitled.

In the circumstances, I think the OP should level with the parents. Send out a letter saying something like "The Monthly Toadstool Dancing event is on Saturday. As you know, we need one adult for each 6 Brownies. I will take a group of 6- one of which will be my Mabel because otherwise I will have to pay a babysitter for the day- and 5 others randomly selected. If anyone would like volunteer to come we can take more Brownies."

In my experience, parents mutter if they aren't told why.

It isn't rocket science.

They could probably figure it out.

The OP doesn't need to say anything about not affording a babysitter.

Her DD is going because the OP is going, you would have to be pretty thick to not understand that.

They can bitch and mutter all they like.

If they won't actually get off their arses and do something for themselves/their own kids then they can pull their bloody heads in.