Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

[TreesAndFlowers]

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises ?large scale? brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We?ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It?s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don?t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it?s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I?m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn?t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

I sub'ed as an adult a few times when my DD's group have been short of grown ups, but being a male I have not got 'fully' involved in a meeting, more as an adult who could shoot off if necessary.

So I got to observe what was going on and how much everyone's daughters were benefitting from one fantastic woman's efforts.

I am not worthy!

There is a special place in hell reserved for those that criticise others who VOLUNTEER their time

Kerala, so all volunteers are perfect and can't be criticised? There was a permanent helper at my ds's scout cubs and working at other places too who I felt should not have volunteered with children because she was completely intolerant of any weakness, SEN, vulnerability. She had 2 high achieving children. I don't know what her reasons for volunteering were, but I was unhappy about her being around my ds with SEN as I witnessed more and more of this and eventually my ds left the pack. As I felt the leader was a well meaning bully, I didn't feel anything was to be gained by talking to him about it.

I have also known a man for 20 years who was a scout leader til recently. In everyday life he is intolerant of being kept waiting and of anyone disagreeing with him. His wife will plead with you to change the subject because he gets more and more angry. I think their relationship is emotionally abusive. I wonder what he is like as a scout leader? I used to car share with him and his wife to attend an annual event but after a few years I made excuses because his behaviour made it so unpleasant.

YANBU OP. Nothing surprises me about parents any more. I used to run a youth group and had complaints when I failed to provide an activity one evening. Where was I? Ah yes, in intensive care, having run the activities for 4 months while being investigated for cancer. Same parents also complained when, six weeks later, still on a shed load of pain relief and unable to drive, I failed to take their daughter to a camp an hour's drive away and sleep in a sleeping bag on someone's floor for a couple of nights.

YANBU, I am a guider and I only do 1 or 2 weekend activities a year, mainly because of work commitments (3 jobs and a full time uni course!)

If I had a daughter and was giving up my weekend for a guiding activity i'd fully expect to be taking her (unless she didn't want to go) and I have also given priority to girls in my unit whose parents are volunteering to help us.

Yanbu - you are giving up so much time for the pack! If any of those mums become assistant guiders then their DDs can be prioritised too. Tell then where to go!

YANBU- parents never cease to amaze me! Not only are you supposed to give up your precious time, you are supposed to organise childcare so that you can look after their DCs for free!
Tell them the answer is simple- if they don't like it you will stand down from being leader and they can do it.

I can't believe people on here (and in rl) think its unfair! How about they give up some of their spare time. Some people really don't get volunteering do they

Jan there its a difference between someone running a youth group with part of their motivation being to give their own children a chance to take part and someone bullying children in that youth group.

The scout and guide associations know this happens, but they need the volunteer leaders to attend events. The difference in impact a quite large volunteering commitment has on family life is mitigated if the children can attend with the parent.

It may also inspire other parents to pitch on and help a bit more.

1. There are volunteers who would give the shirt off their back and are totally selfless.
2. There are volunteers who are willing to help, but not to the detriment of their own family. They may even be doing it to benefit their family to a certain extent.
3. There are people who don't volunteer for a variety of reasons, but are very grateful to those that do.
4. There are those that would never volunteer themselves but feel entitled enough to complain when it doesn't seem good enough.

Thank you to the majority of people who fall into category 1-3. Those in section 4 should be ashamed of themselves.

YAsoNBU

Well said shewhowines.

YAsooooNBU!

It's actually entirely fair, because any child can have a guaranteed place if their parent comes too.

Maybe that's how you should phrase it in the newsletter - any child wanted a guaranteed place needs an accompanying adult. Other available places will be given randomly to those who would like to go.

Ya totally totally nbu.

Those people who think that you should give up your freevtime for other people's kids at the expense of your own child are very unreasonable and entitled to boot.

Your dd is lucky that she can go to all the events because she has a great mum.

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. As I understand it, if any parent volunteered to come and help you could take another six brownies - they wouldn't even have to be a leader. I think it would be absolutely reasonable to tell parents that if they come then their daughter would also be guaranteed a place. Can you imagine telling a parent who had offered to help, 'thank you, that's great, but I'm afraid your daughter can't come this time". That would go down like a lead balloon!

Where I live the guide/scout etc groups often have a waiting list. Anyone who is a leader or regular helper at one of these groups ensures that their sons/daughters skip the waiting list at any group. There's a reciprocal agreement across scouts/guides. To my knowledge, no-one has ever complained it is unfair - they are too grateful that someone else has volunteered and let them off the hook.

YANBU! another guider here. Family comes first. Everyone else should be grateful for getting their chance or you could rig the raffle for places so that chief moaners DD never gets picked hee hee

Phantom That's really pathetic. I've always suspected guiding is riddled with bad practise, pettiness and volunteers in it for themselves.

I remember my MIl telling me when she was a brown owl she had to take her Dc with her the BOYS loved it apparently

My parents (of my rainbows) are generally a nice grateful bunch, but they do all year in, year out, lament the fact that we still have no brownies in the village because no one wants to do it.....such a shame.
Well, yes, which is exactly why i started doing Rainbows, and exactly why I am lumbered with it for the forseeable future.

In it for ourselves PC??

yes I love having to mop up other peoples DCs wee and sick whilst simulatneously trying to keep order and saftey in the team games. i love the fact that all the parents drive off afterwards and I have to stay and tidy up the mess. I love it. I love subsidising activities so I don't have to put the subs up. I love all the admin and the parents who ALWAYS turn up 10 minutes late to collect their DC, well I am so grateful to them for that extra 10 minute with their cherub. Love it all! Yes, we are so well thought of, and we are all in it for ourselves....for the power and the basking in the glow of public adoration, yes that's why we do it

then again maybe we do it because its a good thing to have these activities available, to carry on providing something we or our children enjoyed being part of, and because there are so few people willing to give anything to their communities.

oh and, as I am sure everyone else on the thread realised, the thing about rigging the lottery for places was what we guiders call a joke

Oh really? I've seen it first hand and it was the reason I didn't want to get further involved. Don't be a martyr. Do something because you want to. There's a lot of bitterness, a lot of women in it for their own needs rather than to selflessly give their time and energy to something they believe in.

Admittedly, there are some in it because they need the friends and social network they get being part of a club/clique. Guiding is their life. Thats not for me. There are some who have never had their own children, or never made the grade to be teachers or whatever, and wanted to work with kids, or want to feel important. Thats not me. either.

I do often wonder if/when it will be time to quit but they are not queing up to take my place, and I do it for the children because they love it and they benefit from it - they meet new friends, learn independance, have little adventures, get lots of happy memories.

i love that I will see them in tesco and they will beam and say "mummy is it Rainbows tomorrow". I DO enjoy it, but its not the absolute joy and pleasure of my life. It's hard work, its often thankless and its very demanding on me and on my family. The "perk" outlined in the OP is one of the very very few pluses/benefits. Oh and the OP is probably the type of parent who even if she was not the guider, would offer to help with transport so other DC could go.

She INBU

volunteers need to g et some sort of reward out of what they are doing whatever the volunteer position is the need to actually enjoy and want to do it or it just becomes a bind nobody selflessly volunteers imo of course they want to helo and enrich lives etc but they do actually have to enjoy the experience

Many volunteer like me because otherwise there will not be a group- in my case I had DCs - they came too. If it was a weekend thing they came, otherwise there was no weekend thing.

Of course they need to enjoy it and they need to have the right motivation. I think the issue with guiding, Scouts etc is so many people fall into it almost by accident because they feel obliged to. That's when people start to feel they will only do something of they can take their kids along out whatever - they are resentful and start again conditions to it.

When people come into volunteering through their own accord, off their own back and take the time to look at a range off opportunities until they find one that suits, it really works and it mutually beneficial, no conditions attached!

It is a lovely thought ParadiseChick and I can finally do it now that my DCs are adults. You are going to have a lot of groups fold if you want leaders who are free to volunteer without conditions. Anyone with a child and no back up can't volunteer.

I am no different now that I can volunteer completely free of commitments than when I wasn't free, in terms of doing the job.