Prioritise my own DD (brownie leader)

[TreesAndFlowers]

I am a Brownie leader and DD is a Brownie in my pack.
From time to time (maybe 2-3 a year) our county organises ?large scale? brownie events which require an adult to attend for each 6 brownies.
These events tend to be at weekends and generally involve quite a bit of a drive, so the other leaders in the unit choose not to go.

I am happy to go to these events because I want DD to have the experience of attending. So I go with DD and 5 other brownies.
Due to the events being at weekends and a bit of a drive, there are generally (say) only about 8-9 brownies interested in any given one. We?ve so far adopted the policy of selecting brownies by random draw, with the understanding that anyone who is unsuccessful will get priority next time.

This has so far been fine. It?s tended to work out that if a girl put their name down for every single event (which I don?t think anyone has) they would probably get to go to 2 out of 3 of them (we also do an annual pack holiday and there are more local events they can attend so they do have other opportunities). Except that my DD is getting to go to all of them. A couple of parents have recently started muttering about this and saying that it?s not fair that I am prioritising my own daughter. Which I agree that I am, but frankly I?m not sufficiently altruistic to spend a whole Saturday/Sunday at an event miles away otherwise (I do already help at the aforementioned pack holiday and more local events at weekends), so if DD was not coming, I wouldn?t be going, and no one would get the opportunity.

So AIBU?

I am so grateful to the Brownie and GG leaders of my DD's groups.

How could I possibly feel resentful if they are including their own children in activities.

maybe ask the grumbly parents if they are willing to volunteer to take the girls to these things your dd is entitled to go as any other brownie and as you are giving your free time to every brownie night and pack event why shouldn't your dd go
ask them to volunteer to go and see what they say then

, DDs friends mum helps run their guides so the girl goes to everything and I used to hear folk grumble at her taking up a space ( IN HER MUMS CAR) yet they didnt want to drop their dds or help out

YANBU

you are a volunteer

Let them volunteer if they think it's so wonderful...

If the only reason that not all the girls can go is because there aren't enough adults then, no, YANBU. If, say, only 6 girls from your unit were allowed to go regardless of numbers of adults, then you would be unreasonable. Since it sounds as though it is the former I wouldn't let it bother you unless the mutterings are bothering your daughter, in which case I would send a pointed email with regard to needing extra volunteers.

I run Brownies so there is a unit for my DD to go to, not because I desperately want to provide free childcare for all and sundry. I will not let it interfere with the time I want to spend with my own children so my children get to do any and every Brownie activity they wish to. Even DS!

I have a love hate relationship with threads like these - on the one hand I find them heartening because it reminds me that most parents are very reasonable and appreciative, however they also generally throw up the unreasonable ones as well which just reminds me of the unpleasant ones I've dealt with.

If your child goes to a club run by volunteers (and remember, particularly with sports even qualified coaches at anything below county level are almost certainly doing it for free and will often have paid for their own qualifications rather than take money from club resources) then please do occasionally go up to them and say thank you and let us know how much your child is enjoying it/you appreciate what we do. It happens surprisingly rarely and yet the boost we get when it happens is really good and tends to be what sees us through the darker moments when we're considering jacking it all in...

Backforgood
I can see this from both sides, tbh. I do think that if you are a Leader, then weekend events are part of the package, and that all the girls should get equal opportunity to do them. I agree it would be different perhaps if for some reason the Leader's dd couldn't ever be left with anyone, but I get the impression that's not the case here ?

But weekend events are not 'part of the package'. Nothing is 'part of the package'. You do as much as you feel comfortable with doing and if you don't feel comfortable doing something without involving your own children then you don't have to.

Backforgood - the OP doesn't have to do these weekend events, she's quite clear that before she did them, while the brownie pack existed, the other leaders didn't do the weekend events, so it is down to her choice to do them, if she didn't, then while the brownies would continue, the weekends wouldn't. Under those circumstances, then I don't think there's anything wrong with prioritising her DD. If someone else wanted to take over running the whole weekend, then it would be wrong for the OP to still insist on her DD getting a place each time.

OP - definately start asking for volunteers to take over running some of the weekends. You could even put that those who do would be able to ensure their DC went on the weekend, see how many of the grumblers step up...

20 years ago DH and I took over a scout troop as they couldn't get a leader and were about to close. DC were all under 6 years old. They had to come with us, it still didn't stop parents and boys complaining about our DC being involved!
On one camp we were preparing a meal and the scouts were setting the table..our DS1 was hanging around, I told him to go and play we would call him in a bit..one scout said loudly, 'we get food first we are the scouts!' The older scouts nearly lynched him

Yanbu

If even half the grumblers stepped up then there would be no shortage of leaders. There was a big move to grumble about a scout leader in our village who stepped in when his oldest reached scouting age and quit when his youngest became too old. I thought that his stepping forward whilst it benefited his family was much better than the folks who whined about there being no leader.

"if you had a partner I might wonder why he was incapable of caring for his dd for a weekend

Beyond belief the OP might wonder why some of the other parents are incapable to looking after their own children."

No I wouldn't because they are sending their child to an enjoyable activity like most parents do. Whereas the leader taking her child every time when other girls have to be selected by random draw suggests that her dd always has to be included because she has no partner or can't leave her with him, otherwise she'd sometimes leave her with him. If she was volunteering in a shop, she wouldn't expect to take her dd along. Whilst this is an activity the dd might enjoy enough to go every time, it's going to cause ill feeling among other parents and children.

My ds went to cub scouts and another event where parents were given a rota for helping and every child's parent/s would be allocated a session once a term or so. Maybe having that from the start as a requirement makes it easier to get parents to help. But going to long distance events is another issue with CRB and all that.

I do appreciate that parents are often ungrateful to volunteers. I just don't think it applies here. And sending your child to an event or being grateful doesn't necessarily means you are also in a position to help or could manage it.

Permanently, and Don'tMind..... as I said, I can see both sides.
Firstly, I'm all for flexible volunteering, and everyone 'doing what they can', but I'm also into fairness and equal opportunity for all the dcs to take a fair turn in an activity.

I do see the weekend things as a major part of Scouting (or in this case guiding). You ask any adult what they enjoyed about Scouting / Guiding and it won't be the weekly meetings they start talking about, it will be the camps and the day trips and activities they went to at weekends. We take other people's dc to stuff like that, because it's part of the experience of being a Scout/Guide. I'm not a Leader to ensure my dc got a place, I'm a Leader for all the dc who want to go. I was a Leader for many years before having dc, and see it as a whole experience.
I've been a Leader for closer to 30 years than I care to admit. My dh is also a Leader. Amongst our friends we count dozens and dozens of Leaders. What we did - as someone else said upthread - is send our dc to different groups. That way, it not only avoids all the politics of this sort of thing, but actually means our dc have thrived, and have had equal chance with everyone else of winning 'cub of the month' or Scout of the Term, etc., as there's no conflict of interest. We know that if we had our dc in the same group, they wouldn't get selected for things half as much.
Neither dh or I have ever thought "Oh, we'll sign up to this camp or that day, so our dc can have a nice day out", we go to offer all the dc the experience. I think that's true of all Leaders I know (and that's a lot).
However, OP still hasn't answered why what seems like the obvious solution isn't being used, and that is, asking the parents to sign up to support on these trips, so she can take all the Brownies who want to go. I don't see why there has to be an either / or situation here.

Nah I think you are being unreasonable. What will you do when dd isn't in brownies any more. Am I right in thinking that even if other parents volunteered you'd still be going as Brown Owl?

I don't think it's good practise to have dd in same pack you volunteer in.

Backforgood and ParadiseChick. It's not always as simple as that (sending your children to other units). DD comes to mine or she can't be a Brownie at all. Which would you choose in that situation?

I use parent helpers every time I run a meeting or go anywhere. I'm more-or-less a lone guider with 24 Brownies. It means I can run my unit but it sure as heck ain't the easy option.

Well, the grumblers can always look for another group. Or start one themselves.
Or you could charge for your weekend away, £100 per place should be reasonable.

Nah I think you are being unreasonable Why?

What will you do when dd isn't in brownies any more What difference does this make?

Am I right in thinking that even if other parents volunteered you'd still be going as Brown Owl? - Err yes, that's the way it works...

I don't think it's good practise to have dd in same pack you volunteer in Why not? Why should she voluntarily mind other people's children and not take her own?

What do you do as a volunteer??

'Am I right in thinking that even if other parents volunteered you'd still be going as Brown Owl?'

I used to volunteer at an activity my DS did. When he moved up, so did I.
I like other people's children mostly, but not that much.

YANBU. It seems a reasonable perk of being a volunteer to bring DD to all of them. You should be transparent though.

How on earth do you help at one pack and send your child to another? How does that ever work?

My dh isn't home from work before Brownies & Beavers start; when I'm helping, the siblings come too. If I helped at a pack that she wasn't at, dd would have to attend both. And on "her" Brownie night, her little brothers would spend an hour in the car while we drove her there, and back, and then collected her, and back. When she could go to the pack in our village, 2 minutes away. That would be madness.

All the guiders I know, do it because their children were in the pack, and the old leaders were stopping, and the pack was going to fold if no one volunteered. Around here, the answer to What will you do when dd isn't in brownies any more is "stop leading and let someone else take a turn".

Yanbu. If I gave as up as much time as you must be doing then I would certainly making sure my dc was benefitting. Every time there is a weekend of activities I would pop up a poster for volunteers and see what response you get.

You are SO NBU. I would think it really odd if your daughter didnt go on every trip.

There is a special place in hell reserved for those that criticise others who VOLUNTEER their time

YANBU

I am ETERNALLY grateful to my sons Cub leader and help out when I can.

The previous suggestion of sending out a letter asking for volunteers with an automatic place for the daughter is a good one.

I'm a volunteer befriender with accommodated young people and also coordinate volunteers at my work. In fact I just organized a large event for national volunteers week through my local volunteer centre to celebrate the contribution on volunteers in the county, held in the evening and attended by 85 volunteers, local councillors etc. All of whom attended and volunteer without their kids in tow. I'm kind of all over volunteering, quite passionate about it, focused on volunteering in my final piece for my degree.

So I'm well versed in what people give up, how much it's valued.

And also well aware of the importance of boundaries.

Oh and my grandma was county commissioner and have 40 years service to guiding.

I helped out at a pack for a while too.

Does that help? I have my opinions on what is and isn't acceptable when volunteering.

Not everyone volunteers with guiding etc just to coincide with the time their dd will be there. That's why I asked the question.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Could you send out an email asking for parent volunteers for the trip. You could then say that volunteering guarantees their child a place.

Another thought - some parents (ie me!) would be a little (lot) unsure about being responsible for 6 kids. So you could say that parent volunteers would be responsible for a maximum of (say) 2 kids - even with just 1 volunteer you'd then be able to take 8 rather than 6 which would pretty much solve the problem. Even an incompetent like me could deal with dd and one friend!