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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement ring

173 replies

wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 22:58

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 22:58

Yes this is my second AIBU of the night! Grin

OP posts:
Idrinksquash · 14/06/2013 23:01

Depends whether you have the same opinion on price. I guess it may get a little heated if his price range is £100ish and yours is £1000ish.

FWIW we didn't have an engagement party and we're having a dirt cheap wedding in a barn. The less showy the better IMO

squoosh · 14/06/2013 23:02

You are not acting like a spoilt princess. It's hardly asking for the moon to expect him to make this a shared experience.

I've never heard of a woman going on a solo engagement ring shopping trip.

BridgetBidet · 14/06/2013 23:02

No he should be interested in going and doing that with you, it's a real milestone and he should be proud he's giving you something that's will make you so happy.

To be honest if he really doesn't give a shit about buying a ring or marking your wedding at all even though it means a lot to you, do you honestly think after you're married he is going to treat you nicely and take your feelings into account?

squoosh · 14/06/2013 23:03

Fair enough he doesn't want this and he doesn't want that but there are two of you getting married.

Original poster
wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 23:03

Bridget - yes he does lots for me and cares lots about me. Treats me excellently. It's just this!

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 14/06/2013 23:06

If he's only interested in the legal part of getting married, what on earth makes you think he'll be interested in going ring shopping with you Confused?

Not saying YABU to want him to come with you, but as he sounds totally uninterested in any part of the wedding about from saying "I do", he's not likely to even think an engagement ring is necessary

MsVestibule · 14/06/2013 23:07

I've never heard of a woman going on a solo engagement ring shopping trip. My friend did this, I was quite Sad for her.

Beamur · 14/06/2013 23:07

Buying your own ring is just wrong.
I think if your DP really can't see how this is something he needs to be involved with, I think I'd just not get one at all - or go shopping just the once and choose both engagement and wedding rings at the same time.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/06/2013 23:07

I wouldn't be interested in marrying a man that couldn't care less about something that is special and meaningful to me.

If he can't even manage an hour going round the shops after you have looked and got some idea of what you are looking with, then wearing a ring that is supposed to signify your commitment to your upcoming marriage is going to be meaningless.

deleted203 · 14/06/2013 23:07

Pretty much agree with what Bridget said, TBH. I would be highly pissed off at browsing for and buying myself an engagement ring. There is a difference between not being very romantic - and being a completely pig ignorant tosser, IMO.

In your shoes I suspect I'd be saying, 'Do you know what? Lets forget the whole fucking thing - cos I could frankly do better when choosing a partner for life'...

MsVestibule · 14/06/2013 23:10

So, he wants the wedding completely on his terms? I'm sure he does care for you, but sorry, but that is not somebody who is treating you 'excellently'.

Cavort · 14/06/2013 23:14

I know you might want the experience of going from shop to shop together, but when we did it we only managed a couple of jewelers as we just couldn't bear the level of immense arse-kissing which went on when they were trying to secure a sale. I know other couples who have found the same.

As soon as we worked out what size and style I wanted we went home and spent a great afternoon drinking wine and shopping online, where we got a ring which I love for about 2/3 of the price of a high street jewelers (for the same size and clarity of diamond).

And shopping online would surely be more appealing to your OH? Smile

Pigsmummy · 14/06/2013 23:15

Do the ground work alone and then make him go along and choose one of two that you have narrowed down? Buying your own seems very against the ethos tbh

olathelawyer05 · 14/06/2013 23:18

Is it the desire for both parties to exchange rings (i.e. he buys you a ring, and you get him a ring), or is this just about 'him' buying 'you' a ring?

AKissIsNotAContract · 14/06/2013 23:18

I paid for my own ring. I wanted a decent one and I have expensive taste. I earn more than DH2b so I bought my own. He still came with me to the design sessions, looked over the designs and gave opinions etc. I think it's old fashioned to expect a bloke to pay but I do think he should come with you to the shop.

apostropheuse · 14/06/2013 23:19

When I got engaged my then fiancé didn't want to shop for the ring either. Like your DP he hated shopping and got quite embarrassed about romantic things like that. Although, to be fair, he did propose in the traditional manner. The whole will you marry me thing - and we did have the whole church wedding etc.

With the ring he asked me to go along and have a look at rings, see what one I liked and then to let him know which it was and he would then go into the shop and buy it. I did this and the shop wrote the reference down on a little card for me to give him. He then went and bought the ring and presented it to me in the box.

It worked very well for us, and knowing me I would have driven him to distraction as I could be so indecisive back then.

(The rather sad annoying bit about this story is that when we divorced after having being together for about twenty years and having four children he asked for the rings back! Like a numpty I gave them to him.)

HabbaDabbaDoo · 14/06/2013 23:21

OP - Are the two of you living together at the mo?

If you are and it's perhaps a long term relationship then perhaps he doesn't see the point (and the cost) of an engagement ring and being disinterested is his way making this point.

scottishmummy · 14/06/2013 23:22

I think your getting het up by so called etiquette.whats right for engaged
if you're happy to be engaged,ifjt good solid relationship,doesn't matter how ring purchased
if you judge your relationship by should do's then you'll always be in a spin

MsVestibule · 14/06/2013 23:22

apostropheuse after 20 years????? After a broken engagement, maybe, but after 20 years and four children Shock Shock Shock.

Original poster
wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 23:23

Our money is joint so it's not about whose money it is iykwim.

It just feels like it should be a ring that he likes too! Which is stupid because A he doesn't like jewellery and B I wouldn't wear something unless I like it 100% Regardless of what he thinks.

Usually I have no time for these wedding related traditions (and this one was born out of a marketing campaign by debeers i think FGS) so why I care about this I don't know.

Maybe I should just treat myself to something nice.

OP posts:
squoosh · 14/06/2013 23:24

He asked for the rings back after 4 kids and twenty years of marriage??

Bad cess to him.

wigglesrock · 14/06/2013 23:25

My husband just went and picked a ring himself and then asked me to marry him. I didn't choose it. I never wore it after we got married, I dont really like rings in general so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Original poster
wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 23:26

What an arse apostroph!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/06/2013 23:27

you've internalised all the marketing blurb about what he should do
don't be so passive, if you're want a ring, go shopping buy a ring
you don't need to wait on a man bestowing it to you like a precious gift