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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Engagement ring

173 replies

wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 22:58

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

OP posts:

CAF275 · 15/06/2013 11:43

I went ring shopping on my own, well with my sister. He (reluctantly) gave me a budget and I chose what I wanted and he came back next day with me to do the needful i.e. pay for it!

I'd far rather do that than get something he chose himself tbh and he's also hideous to go shopping with, so if he'd come with me I'd probably have ended up with something I wasn't 100% happy with just to get out of the shop!

Now happily married for 16 years and still absolutely love my engagement ring!

eggsandwich · 15/06/2013 12:45

Sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to do and shopping for an engagement ring is one of them. What about the other things that will require him to be involved, like arranging a wedding, viewing and buying a property, antenatal appointments, seriously this shouts how different you are and that you have to either give him a kick up the arse or get rid.

scottishmummy · 15/06/2013 12:48

why does he need to shop for a ring?to fulfil societal expectation of good boy
are you honestly suggesting a day perusing rings makes him a keeper?
so if he's compliant and trots around looking rings. that's indication of keep him.how ridiculous

ApocalypseThen · 15/06/2013 12:56

You've made that point repeatedly, scottishmummy. Are you under the impression that the more often you say it, the more relevant it becomes?

ExcuseTypos · 15/06/2013 13:03

"are you honestly suggesting a day perusing rings makes him a keeper?
so if he's compliant and trots around looking rings. that's indication of keep him.how ridiculous"

No ScottishMummy, it would indicate a man who will do a small thing, to make his partner happy.

If he doesn't want to do this small thing (or anything else which is important to her) it shows he doesn't really care about her happiness.

RazzleDazzleEm · 15/06/2013 13:32

The cost of my ring didn't bother me. The shopping for the ring though with my DH who hates shopping with most passion than most men, was very special for both of us. It was lovely, we went to Hatton Garden and it was an eye opener as well seeing all the shops.

In the end I got a ring for a few hundred pounds that was half price. He is as emotionally attached to the ring as me, it was a special day.

Alarm bells would be ringing like a nuclear Klaxon if my DH had had no interest in coming to choose the ring.

It doesn't bode well.

RazzleDazzleEm · 15/06/2013 13:38

The sum of our lives are Memories.

The memory of a lovely day walking round hatton garden, perusing rings, thinking of being together, looking at all the sparklers, seeing all the other couples walking about...having some delicious lunch, discussing...arm in arm, idly thinking about the future, chatting to some dodgy people, some classier....creating memories....

Or - here, £20 quid love, argos sale, bring me change.

scottishmummy · 15/06/2013 13:44

I see the oft repeated he should just suck it up,and go ring shopping
why?because thats a societal expectation
why is a good bf a compliant boyfriend

GibberTheMonkey · 15/06/2013 13:45

I think letsfacethemusic's son has got it. It's not about a ring. It's about the effort for someone we love.

ExcuseTypos · 15/06/2013 13:46

No it's not social expectation.

It's because she will hopefully wear that ring for the rest of her life and she might just want her future husband there when its chosen. It's really not a lot to ask.

marriedinwhiteagain · 15/06/2013 14:12

When DH proposed I already knew he hated shopping but I still had no hesitation in saying yes. He said something like I suppose you want a ring followed by "you are going to want to go to more than one shop aren't you?". I was given a budget and we agreed I would shop and chose it and he would pay and collect it. Not a big deal and we were both happy. About 23 years ago now.

He wanted the big wedding too without having to do much organising but my mum was happy to do it in the days when brides let their mothers do that sort of thing

MerryOnMerlot · 15/06/2013 14:12

It's really not a lot to ask.

So would the OP, or the others on here who strangely think this a deal breaker (really?) be happy to do something they seriously didn't want to do because it would make DP a happy bunny? I suspect she'd be back on here complaining about being coerced into doing something she didn't want to do and you'd all be going "outrageous - LTB"

Lots of men don't get all warm & fuzzy over things like buying ring and making wedding arrangements. It DOES NOT mean they're not totally committed and turn out to be excellent husbands/fathers.

mignonette · 15/06/2013 14:14

I am afraid I just do not get engagement rings at all. What a waste of money for what seems an outdated custom. Why hot spend the money on a weekend/week away to celebrate your impending commitment to each other? That seems far more inclusive, modern and loving.

squoosh · 15/06/2013 14:18

'So would the OP, or the others on here who strangely think this a deal breaker (really?) be happy to do something they seriously didn't want to do because it would make DP a happy bunny?'

It's not as though she's asking him to compromise any of his principles. He just doesn't like shopping, but from all she's said this is the only time she has asked or will ask him to accompany her on such an outing.

HighInterestRat · 15/06/2013 14:20

If this is something that means something to you and he can't manage to muster up the effort to walk into a shop in order to be supportive of it then I think that says a lot. Are you very supportive of him generally?

cosmickitten · 15/06/2013 14:36

Wedding's bring out a lot a strange expectations and traditions. I found myself swept up in the need to follow the romantic narrative re engagement rings. We choose my ring together, it wasn't expensive and I paid for most of it, as I had more income. When friends where surprised with the prefect ( very expensive) ring. I felt like we had somehow done it wrong. I was being nuts.

We did what was best for us, we adored each other and really wanted to get married. Two years later we have a strong happy marriage and we still adore each other. The ring thing didn't matter. By the by, I love my simple ring and it feels right for us, nothing else matters.

May consider why you feel this need for a big romantic ring with your partner. You know you love each. If is happy to get a ring and go shopp

cosmickitten · 15/06/2013 14:37

ing when you ask, why worry? Do you really need more and if so why?

Flicktheswitch · 15/06/2013 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos · 15/06/2013 14:41

Agree Squoosh. It's not as if they'll be out shopping for rings every weekend. It's a once on a life time situation.

If my DH had said he wouldn't come with me and I had made it clear that I really wanted him to come with me, I would seriously think about marrying him. To me he'd be saying- I know this once on a lifetime event is important to you, but I don't care, I don't want to spend 2 hours with you ring shopping "

If, like Married, she didn't care if he came or not, then fair enough.

It's almost like not going to a patner's graduation(I hate sitting around for hours to see you collect a piece of paper, therefore I'm not coming, even though you want me to.)

Flicktheswitch · 15/06/2013 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos · 15/06/2013 14:47

As someone else said This isn't about a flipping ring

It's about the Op's partner not giving a toss, that the OP would like him to do something with her, which she feels is important.

Raum · 15/06/2013 14:47

He sounds like a childish git, I don't like shopping but enjoyed it with my now wife, outs a once in a life time experience for most people, tell him to put you first imo or ditch him. If he's like this now he's probably going to a useless dick when he's married to you.

You're asking for a few hours of his time ffs

specialsubject · 15/06/2013 14:48

shopping is a really boring activity, not a leisure thing. If this is just about not wanting to waste precious weekend time in stuffy shops, I'm with him.

if it is more about not compromising on things, then red flags. The OP needs to work this out.

RazzleDazzleEm · 15/06/2013 14:49

A ring is a piece of history, it may be passed down to children its the Provenance, the history the memories.

Here darling daughter, here is the ring your father gave me, or came shopping with me for, it was a great day bla bla bla..

or here is the ring, I loved it - he couldn't give a flying fuck about it.

Special moments.

You do not have to spend loads of money, you do not have to have extravagance, but two people doing something in tandem and sharing a moment like buying a ring is lovely. You should be treasuring these moments together.

Maybe this is his fourth marriage? If not, how does he know he wont like shopping for one.

olathelawyer05 · 15/06/2013 15:02

@MerryOnMerlot

"...Lots of men don't get all warm & fuzzy over things like buying ring and making wedding arrangements. It DOES NOT mean they're not totally committed and turn out to be excellent husbands/fathers."

You're absolutely spot on Merry. There is a quite frankly insidious creep going on here. Those criticising the OP's partner for failing to just do what SHE wants are following their own agenda. The OP herself has pretty much said that this guy is brilliant and has always put himself out to help her. They are ignoring all this and saying: "what?... how dare he not do what you NOW want and buy you a ring like a good boy?... he obviously doesn't reeeeealy love you".

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