Engagement ring

[wannabeawallaby]

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

[olathelawyer05]

@gettingeasiernow "...It's not a huge inconvenience considering what he gets in return."

What exactly do you know that he gets in return?

[FredFredGeorge]

If it's expected for a partner to put themselves out to make their partner happy, then why is the suggestion that the DH must put himself out for the OP, rather than the OP put themselves out for their DH?

That argument simply doesn't work, it's dictating that someone must make a sacrifice, but it has to be the man. Yes in this situation someone must, but there's no reason why it has to be the DH. Especially as it sounds like the OP is going to want other compromises too (the pub celebration etc.)

I would never make my partner do something she wouldn't enjoy, as I wouldn't enjoy the occasion either, I'd take someone I'd wanted along. I would ask her to do something she didn't like when I needed the support - but not for a fun occasion. Of course if we were so incompatible that none of the things we enjoyed were in common we simply wouldn't be together, but that doesn't sound like the OP's case, she's simply got different ideas about this one specific area of marriage - and it's out of character!

[RazzleDazzleEm]

its a once in a life time thing.

Once.

wouldnt one be expected to make a tiny bit of effort for one day that will have a lasting effect for the rest of their lives?

[FredFredGeorge]

RazzeDazzleEm If you were talking about the wedding day, then yes - but you're talking about a shopping trip!

[olathelawyer05]

@FredFredGeorge "....If it's expected for a partner to put themselves out to make their partner happy, then why is the suggestion that the DH must put himself out for the OP, rather than the OP put themselves out for their DH?"

Come, come now Fred, you can't possibly expect people to see such an obvious flaw in their own logic, when their committed agenda is basically to tell the world how bad the man is for not doing what his woman wants .... Afterall, who cares if your argument is completely devoid of logic, all that matters is that you get what you want ....

[ExcuseTypos]

No it isn't just a shopping trip.

It's the choosing of a ring which the OP will wear for the rest of her life.

[Bunbaker]

"and I wouldn't read significance into his reluctance to shop"

I agree. OH loathes shopping of any kind. He wears his clothes until they are frayed before he will buy new ones - and online shopping isn't an option as he is tall with long arms and legs so he has to try clothes on. So what we do is window shop online and then go to specific shops to try clothes on. Yet is is kind and loving and we are still happily together after nearly 32 years of being married.

Can you do your research online first and narrow it down to two or three shops before you go shopping?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Mine was a shopping trip to buy something very special over which I wanted to take a lost of time chosing. I chose; DH paid. Every five years o so he looks at it and says "do you want to upgrade that for something better?". And I say no - I like this one it has sentimental value. Next time though I might just ask for a rock for my right hand - providing I can chose and he pays.

FGS it's like these couples who can't decide which packet of chops to by without a fecking conference in the middle of the aisle or over the phone. Just get on with it.

[MerryOnMerlot]

Still amazed by some of the comments.

I think something worth considering is that (most) men really don't "get" all the stuff about engagements, which after all is just a promise to do something monumental at a later date. Even the wedding itself in many cases is really oraganised by and for the woman. I'm not saying men don't enjoy the day, but do they really give a flying fuck about flowers, seating arrangements etc?

As i said earlier my DH didn't come shopping for the ring. He did however come to get the wedding rings and was actually more into the whole process ie what to get engraved etc than I was.

I think men are more focussed on the MARRIAGE than the WEDDING. Hence why DH was far more interested in the rings we would be exchanging after saying our vows. Those are the rings that were important to him because of what they symbolise - our lifelong commitment to each other. An engagement ring just symbolises a commitment to get married, which is totally different thing imho.

Hope that all makes sense - in a rush to head out to have cocktails!

[olathelawyer05]

"...its a once in a life time thing.

Once."

No it isn't. Have you seen the divorce stats recently? This is just more meaningless 'emotive' language that has been used to get people to tow the line. When it fails we move onto 'fear' language (i.e. if you don't do this thing that is expected of you, such & such might happen). When that doesn't work, we then graduate to the old trusty 'shaming' language (i.e. if you don't do this, you're not a real man/women etc.). Its all pathetic. By the OP's own account, this man has been brilliant to her.

[TheDoctrineOfAllan]

OP, did you go to Hatton Gardens today?

[squoosh]

@FredFredGeorge "....If it's expected for a partner to put themselves out to make their partner happy, then why is the suggestion that the DH must put himself out for the OP, rather than the OP put themselves out for their DH?"

Put himself out for the woman he's about to marry? Yes I rather think he should.

One shopping trip. One.

It would appear the OP is going along with a small registry wedding as per his wishes. Shouldn't this work both ways? Bit shabby if he too is unable to compromise.

[Bunbaker]

I just can't get worked up about an engagement ring. I didn't want one as I don't really like rings, and at the time we were skint. I was far more excited that we had made a promise to each other to get married than getting a piece of expensive metal with a stone in it.

[PasswordProtected]

My Father sent my Mother a cheque for GBP 37 or thereabouts for her to buy an engagement ring. They married in 1957. She bought a Victorian ring, 3 sapphires with 2 diamonds between each sapphire. She didn't seem to mind that much, but she did mind that he bought the wedding ring too small (LOL). They have now been married for 56 years. He bought her a ruby and diamond ring in Thailand on their 40th anniversary. She has already "threatened" him with buying her a diamond ring on their 60th (only another 4 years). Knowing my Father, he may well do this, if he is still alive (now 82).
Why not just get an indication of how much your other half is prepared to shell out and get something you like?

[scottishmummy]

a ring is for rest of life
oh dear god that's clintons card sentimentality
regurgitating schmaltzy sentiment like that advertisers must love folks like you

[ExcuseTypos]

I've never been in a clintons in my life SM. I don't go in for sentimentality.

I have been married for 24 years though, and fully intend to wear my wedding and engagement ring for the rest of my life.

[wannabeawallaby]

No, no hatton garden today, have been really busy! Will have to wait for a free weekend

[wannabeawallaby]

Thank you for all of the posts by the way! Lots of food for thought.

[scottishmummy]

mn is interesting overview of range pov,but its not definitive must do list
by mn how it goes standards I'm on plums.not interested in weddings,rings
don't need a ring for approbation,and not wel jel about engagements

[Kiwiinkits]

OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments? Will he poo-poo a christening? Celebrations of your anniversary? Will he shut you down if you say you'd like a meal out for valentines?
It just seems really cold to me.
FWIW I shopped for my own engagement ring because I'm super picky and knew it would take a long time before I found what I wanted. But I know a million times over that if I'd said to my DH "will you come ring shopping with me today" he would have. We're not overly romantic, but we make a priority out of trying to recognise each other's emotional and physical needs. It's called a partnership.

[Kiwiinkits]

I think its important to celebrate milestones. They're the moments you look back on fondly as you get older. This may sound like sentimental tosh to you Scottishmummy but 4 years in I still get a kick out of looking at our wedding photos and remembering our (not expensive, but very special) wedding day. I think the OP is entitled to the possibility of creating happy memories.

[FredFredGeorge]

kiwiinkits They're the things you look back on fondly, I love my DP but I don't get any sort of kick from looking back at our wedding photos. "special days" don't mean anything to me, not everyone is the same, and you have to accept that your partner is not the same as you and come to compromises when needed.

Why would you remember fondly shopping for a ring with someone who wasn't enjoying it and was putting on an enforced jollity for your feelings? "Oh yes, that was the time I badgered DH into traipsing around shops..."

If he didn't want to do any of the other things with you and you did - then he wouldn't be someone to marry, but the OP says this is unusual request for her and otherwise they're very compatible.

[marriedinwhiteagain]

kiwiinkits the very thought of my DH shopping for a cot - ROFL.

What do we look back on after nearly 25 years together:

the proposal - now that was nice, very romantic and very spontaneous

the day we moved into our home and bringing both the babies home (when dd came home the neighbours had literally dressed the house in pink ribbon and made a pink bower of the front door

wonderful sand and ice-cream holidays in Cornwall and the night thousands and thousands of tiny fishes were swept into the bay and ds and dh brought home nets full - and ds's awed little five year old face

finding the spot in France that we fell in love with

DS getting his first prize on prize day; DD singing a solo for the first time.

Those are the important milestones - not shopping for inanimate objects.

[HollyBerryBush]

OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments?

You people seriously take your DH shopping to buy things like that?

Jesus wept, I don't even take mine out when I change the family car.

Are you are the sort of people who leave bemused partners clogging up the aisles in supermarkets? Admit it.