Engagement ring

[wannabeawallaby]

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

[wannabeawallaby]

We have actually, yes. I think that would be good for what we want.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Sorry SM I think you're just missing the point entirely. It isn't about shopping or the ring.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Then wait for that and go for it when it's available. For complex reasons, I may suggest divorce and then a civil partnership with my DH as it's what I would have chosen had it been available at the time.

[AThingInYourLife]

Oh right, I just read that he doesn't even want to go to the pub with friends to celebrate your marriage.

How totally fucking dreary.

[AThingInYourLife]

Most people who have civil partnerships actually celebrate them.

[scottishmummy]

I'm missing no point,is i don't think one should have such rigid expectations
a fair few are judging his response harshly,as being indicative if doesn't care
As he is expected to fulfil a role associated with dutiful partner.thatll prove he cares

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Can I ask OP. If you had no kids (and we never regret them - ever) would you have a relationship with him if you met him for the first time tomorrow - but knowing what you know now IYSWIM?

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

A Thing I would celebrate a civil partnership. But for me it is an equal but different thing to marriage.

[olathelawyer05]

"....I never even thought I'd want to wear a wedding ring. This suddenly wanting a nice ring is alien to me. But now I want it I want him to want it too. I think part of me worries I'll look back and feel sad for us just getting on with things and tying up the legal bits and forgetting the romance."

You essentially admit that your relationship has never worked along those lines, but now that 'you' want it to at the point of getting married, you are disappointed that 'he' doesn't seem to be dancing to your tune. I'm sorry, but there is something deeply disturbing about this approach to your relationship, and I am not referring to his supposed reluctance. Is this how your relationship is going to run?.... there is an understanding, but as soon as you feel something a bit different on a whim, then he has to go along with it otherwise the devine feminine of MN get to castigate him?

If so, then I think you need to do you both a favour, and call it a day (or at least not marry him - but that would likely be just doing 'him' a favour if what I understand is correct).

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Don't be daft Ola she just needs to speak to him and really tell him how she feels.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

And the Shakespeare you asked for OP isn't really about love. It's about mercy but for me it is applicable to love.

In The Merchant of Venice, Portia says that mercy is twice blessed. It blesses those who receive it but it also blesses those that give it. To me, doing something that will make the person you love happy, lights you up too and makes you happy. I think this works well in a relationship where both people get this and do things for each other in a reciprocal way. It makes for a happy couple.

[wannabeawallaby]

Ola - not all of us have the luxury of knowing exactly what we want for the rest of our lives in terms of marriage and whatnot. Not everyone knows how they will feel in a year or 10 years. My ideas and opinions change. I'm very indecisive and I'm sure that it's a fucking headache for my DP ( it sure is for me). I wish I could be unwavering in my wants and desires and absolutely sure about everything all of the time.

As it is, I'm not. I go through life and everything in it makes me think differently all of the time. I know i am a nightmare. And I think DP is often an absolute saint for putting up with me and my headfuck ways. Maybe I should do him a favour and leave him!

[scottishmummy]

and in what way can't they both have have their preferences met.both light up
it's not about one exerting influence over the other.triumphing in making him shop
if the light up moments in their life are regular,consistent,enriching that's the real deal.not etiquette of engagement

[olathelawyer05]

@LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance - What on earth are you talking about?

The OP herself says that their relationship has never been 'romantic', and that she had no problem with that. She also admits that she DIDN'T want a ring until the marketing from De Beers got to her.

Never mind his reluctance to endulge her, there is an equally if not more important an issue in HER head. SHE is the one who appears to be changing what she wants.... HE - however passive he may be - appears to be perfectly consistent from the OP's own account, and he is essentially being castigated for being the same guy he has always been.

If this is rearing its head now, then it will rear its head later on in their marriage, this I can assure you.

[wannabeawallaby]

That's great Lets and i agree .We do lots to make each other happy. I view our relationship very much as a team effort. I don't want to out myself by explaining everything the man has done for me but he turned his life upside down to be with and support me and I'm so grateful. And he does want me to be happy. I need to focus on all of that I think

[Shelby2010]

OP, you are ALLOWED to want some of the more 'traditional' aspects of a wedding, but you can't expect DP to be a mind reader.

It's not that difficult, just scope out a jewellers with rings you like in the right price range. Then say to DP 'I'd really like you to come with me to choose a ring'. If you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together then putting himself out for half an hour shouldn't be too much to ask. Its not like ou're trying to make him spend the day at IKEA, ffs. Go for lunch or a drink somewhere nice afterwards.

[pinkr]

I went shopping to find my ring myself...happily! Dh then came with me and we bought it together. I knew I'd spend ages trying things on etc and I preferred to do that alone. Dh never really proposed, wasn't keen on weddings as he hates fuss so his involvement before the actual day was minimal and again that was fine as he is my partner and I know him and what I wanted was to make it easy for him.
So, he's not full of the flashy nonsense that some of my friends got but he's reliable, kind, always there for me, sometimes brings a surprise gift but won't do Valentines, does the laundry and dishes as my skin gets irritated, runs me baths with bubbles and puts my towel in the heater so I won't get cold, and is overall the best thing that's ever happened to me... It's the marriage that's important not the ring or wedding.

[amazingmumof6]

if he wants to marry you he shouldn't be so fucking lazy to try and make you happy!

I mean if he's like this now, how is he going to act when there are real problems? no he should not fake it - but why wouldn't he want to do it?

he can't be arsed to get a ring, he doesn't want a party, he never even proposed - does he want to get married?

he's weird to be honest and I never heard of a woman who haf to choose and buy her own engagement or wedding ring!

YADNBU

[Sarahplane]

maybe a good compromise is just to agree to go together but only to one jewellery shop and you pick the ring but he's there with you. That way you get to choose and it's a joint trip but he doesn't have to worry about getting dragged round loads of shops.

[BelleEtLaBaby]

Op. So, you haven't wanted the 'romance-y' aspects of a relationship or a wedding thus far, but some part of you is a bit sad that you might look back and feel you made something romantic a bit... Formal and dull? (formalising your relationship on a forever basis - it's pretty romantic, in the real sense of the word. I personally don't believe doves or roses or whatever to be romantic, but stating your intention to be together forever in a formal way IS pretty lovely).

You're allowed to change your mind you know, or have a feeling which is new or different from those you had before. Just because you hadn't wanted it before and now you do, doesn't mean you can't feel differently, and all the people saying hard cheese, you opted out of romance so no ring for you are being a bit... Well, mean! Isn't marriage or long term partnership about growing and changing with a person? It's not like you've gone completely mad and started demanding a massive wedding in Westminster Abbey :)

It's a small gesture, an indication of your intentions, and a little tiny bit of glitter added to a legal ceremony. You're not asking him to spend a fortune, the money is joint, you just feel like you'd like it. There's nothing wrong with that. Talk to your DP - just explain that you feel this way, that you're not pressuring him, but would an afternoon bumbling around Hatton Garden be fun, have some lunch in a nice pub, just spend an afternoon together and pick up a sparkle for your finger? Maybe even go with a girlfriend in advance and narrow it down to a couple, then take him, let him get it, pop it on your finger then go have a pint in a sunny beer garden. Doesn't have to be ostentatious. But it's something that clearly means something to you, whatever the reason. However it started, it's become a societal thing, and fgs, it's nice so who cares if it was a deBeers campaign? I loved having my engagement ring in the run up to our wedding. Every time I saw it it reminded me, a little 'ooh' and a smile to myself. I didn't need it, it isn't a big flashy ring, but it meant something to me. DH went and designed it and had it made for me without my knowing. We'd talked about getting married and my DH is not romantic at all - we don't do valentines, don't really celebrate our anniversaries (not in a big way and I can't tell you the date we 'got engaged' on the sofa in our slobs one Sunday afternoon - but I was very touched that he'd done something which he just knew would make me happy.

Maybe it just feels weird asking him to go because it means admitting you want it, even though so far you haven't? You don't want him to feel you've suddenly got different ideas? You said if you asked him, he'd probably go without fuss: is it that you wish he just knew you'd changed your mind? If its that, don't expect him to be a mind reader, just 'fess up. You love him, he loves you, you've got kids. Trust him with your feelings then hoick him into a jewellers and take him for a pint after. Gethin something too perhaps? I have a friend whose fiancée got him an 'engagement' iPod :D

[BelleEtLaBaby]

Ps: have just read that back. Bit of a ramble! Blame the pregnancy insomnia

[NoGoodAtHousework]

We didn't have the whole romantic proposal but I told my fella that at the very list I wanted him to choose the ring on his own, which he did...and he did a very good job.

[ApocalypseThen]

I totally understand you, OP. Getting engaged brings up all these feelings, even about rings. I'm not a jewellery person, but when I got engaged, I was dying for the ring. It surprised me by being something suddenly important when I'd never really thought about it before.

He did bring me shopping for it. He barely tolerated the experience. It wasn't what I imagined at all. He wasn't interested in looking at them, had no opinion when I asked, just wanted the price to be right and get this obligation out of the way. I was deeply disappointed by his refusal to have the lovely experience I'd imagined. Not even barely romantic. But I did get a ring I love and love wearing.

If I could have brought my Mum (she's a real ring person), it would have been a far nicer experience.

I'd suggest bringing someone who wants to be there and letting him off the hook this time. Now I am having the big wedding and my fiancé is taking full part in organizing that so it's not as hard as your situation. But as far as planning a wedding goes, it can't all be what he wants.

[DeskPlanner]

at not being the same as making him spend the day in Ikea.


If he loves you and knows this is important to you then he bloody well should go with you. That's what we do for people we love. But I would go along first and pick a couple you like. Then go with him, get it sorted and go for a lovely lunch.

[gettingeasiernow]

I am five months married and still without an engagement ring so your post resonates with me. I am not really a jewellery person, prefer a very minimalist style in everything, and dh comes from a country where there are no engagement rings so he does not understand the relevance at all. He is neither mean nor unromantic, but he is very busy and doens't get the ring thing. That said, it really did upset me leading up to the wedding and since then that everyone says "ooooh let me see the ring" and then look personally appalled when I explain there isn't one, for the zillionth time. I'm baffled because it wouldn't otherwise matter to me, but everyone reacts like it should, and I've absorbed some of that. So I've found a design on the internet and told him that when he can see his way clear to finding the time, that's the short of thing I'd like. He's fine with that.
We had a similar situation to yours with the wedding party.
So my advice is this: get it sorted now. It is bothering you slightly now, and will bother you even more after the wedding, if it isn't done right. I think the party is a one off and doesn't matter, but that ring is on your finger every day. Do some research first so you know what you like and where to get it, just to make the experience as painfree as possible. But he has to go to the shop with you and pay. It's not a huge inconvenience considering what he gets in return.