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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement ring

173 replies

wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 22:58

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/06/2013 23:28

I hardly ever say this but take some well meant advice from someone probably old enough to be your mum. Stop and have a bloody good think about this man. It's supposed to be for the rest of your whole life.

olathelawyer05 · 14/06/2013 23:28

"...Usually I have no time for these wedding related traditions (and this one was born out of a marketing campaign by debeers i think FGS) so why I care about this I don't know."

What?...

apostropheuse · 14/06/2013 23:30

Yes, honestly, after twenty years together. Three years going out together, then married for seventeen years. I think I was so stunned I just gave him them.

Trying not to speak ill of the dead here!

MsVestibule · 14/06/2013 23:30

Would you consider just having a jewelled wedding ring, instead of the engagement and wedding ring combination? That's what I would have preferred, but DH spoiled that idea by presenting me with an engagement ring when he proposed! (That's the only 'traditionally' romantic thing he's ever done, BTW.) But the way I feel about him this week, I'd be happy to give him both of the fecking rings back.

Sorry, slightly off topic...

scottishmummy · 14/06/2013 23:30

what's for rest of life?a ring?
the ring isn't the deal.the relationship is
if your relationship solid,a ring won't enhance it

Aetae · 14/06/2013 23:36

There is no way DH would have come ring shopping with me... he Does Not Shop.

He was entirely happy to let me choose and I was entirely happy to go to all the design sessions with the jeweller without him (you'll get more for your money at a manufacturing jeweller who doesn't need to pay expensive retail rental).

But I'm fairly fussy and he's quite laid back. Whatever works for you I think.

blueemerald · 14/06/2013 23:36

De Beers (a company with a near monopoly on diamond sales) had made up several "traditions" around engagement rules; like the two months salary idea.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 14/06/2013 23:38

Would he get excited about going somewhere and having something designed, so you wouldn't be going round lots of shops etc, it would be different to "shopping"

quoteunquote · 14/06/2013 23:39

Would he be interested in designing it together?

Xiaoxiong · 14/06/2013 23:40

I think I know what LetsFaceTheMusic means - she's just asking the OP to think hard about whether the lack of enthusiasm on his part to choose a ring is just not enjoying the shopping trip, or whether it's deeper than that and maybe he's not enthused about marrying the OP.

miemohrs · 14/06/2013 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/06/2013 23:41

Look. If she's told him that shopping together for a ring that she will wear for the rest of her life and that is important and significant to her doesn't get his arse off the couch whst chance really? Seriously. The point is that it's important to her and he can't be arsed. If you truly love someone. ....

squoosh · 14/06/2013 23:45

Exactly LetsFace. He doesn't seem to want to take part in any wedding related activities that he isn't personally fully enthused about.

He should just suck it up.

scottishmummy · 14/06/2013 23:46

if you truly love someone,what?if you strongly associate ring=love that's your hang up
love isn't something measured by bling,trinkets.its attitudinal,it's supportive
really,if one measures or equate romantic love with purchases, that v shallow

Original poster
wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 23:48

If I wasn't the OP and was reading this thread I would probably agree with scottishmummy! Grin

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfAllan · 14/06/2013 23:49

I don't think it's shallow, SM - she's going to wear this every day of her life now, maybe, there's no indication this is about the money itself, just wanting to choose this together, same as they will probably pick a wedding venue together etc.

AThingInYourLife · 14/06/2013 23:49

My engagement ring is a family ring (my side) so there was no picking or trips to jewellers.

But still I find this guy's refusal to buy you a nice ring really depressing.

The idea that you should just buy your own because he can't be arsed is shite.

Combined with his insistence that your only celebration if your marriage is a couple of pints in the boozer, it just all seems so disappointing and rubbish.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 14/06/2013 23:50

Dammit, wallaby, you spoiled my point

Grin
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/06/2013 23:50

No SM it's the undestanding and gesture behind the thing and not the ring itself. I just asked my 18 year old son what he would do in this circumstance and he said 'I'd go shopping with her because it was important to her and if I wanted to marry someone, I'd do things that would make them happy and they'd do the same for me'

That's called emotional intelligence. Given my life over, I wouldn't marry someone without it tbh.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/06/2013 23:51

Loomk - please understand - this isn't about a ring!

ThisIsMummyPig · 14/06/2013 23:52

We went shopping for my ring on a Monday afternoon. The shops were very quiet, so we could just get on with it. DH does not like shopping either, but he did think he should do that (and I was very glad he did because he spent far more money than I would have done if I was making the decision on my own.)

AThingInYourLife · 14/06/2013 23:52

I don't think ring=love (although I know that my mother does really, really love me :o)

But I do think wanting to make each other happy is a really big part of love.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/06/2013 23:53

Exactly A thing

scottishmummy · 14/06/2013 23:53

if one measures relationship by outward gifts the youre on a treadmill
next it will be right wedding,push. present for baby.fonts for wedding invite
it's all froth it doesn't especially matter.the depth,and consistency of relationship matter

Original poster
wannabeawallaby · 14/06/2013 23:54

AThing - it's not a refusal. If I said 'right, hatton garden on Saturday?' he'd prob say 'great'. Maybe I am expecting too much that he be the one to drive it forward!

This is all very useful by the way, making me think things through! I think my head is a bit of a muddle (which is very normal for me)

A family ring would be lovely but there isn't that option sadly.

OP posts: