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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my "friend" to piss off

200 replies

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 13/06/2013 13:43

I lost a fair bit of weight a few years ago (40lbs) and I have a friend, who I met as I was losing the weight, who seemingly has to remind me of how big I was (size 16), particularly that I was big on my wedding day. I don't understand why she has to bring it up all the time, particularly when she is substantially bigger than I am yet I wouldn't dream of calling her fat. Her most recent comment, looking at a picture of said wedding day, was that my tummy stuck out far farther than my boobs (it didn't). I just don't understand it.

She also criticises my grammar, which I think is normally quite good, today accusing me of corporate speak. Who fucking cares if I said something she deems "corporate" (evidently me).

WIBU to tell her to fuck off? She's not being particularly kind, which makes me feel shit, and she is currently staying with me (rent free) at weekends so she can keep her job in our city having moved hundreds of miles away to save money.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 13/06/2013 14:12

Get rid of her. You're being used. She sounds appalling.

Don't feel bad - you're not being over-sensitive.

Eject!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/06/2013 14:16

Corporate Speak
I'm sorry but due to reprioritising our non essential assets storage to better optimise the use of functional space we find that we have repurposed redundent space to ensure it is now fully utilised rather than 28% of the time and therefore can no longer make said repurposed space available. You have struggled to adapt to my rebalancing programme and so I find our mission statements no longer align.

Plain English
Fuck off we want to fill our spare room with junk rather than have you here any longer. Frankly, I'm pissed off about you harping on about my previous weight rather than being pleased for me about my weight loss.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/06/2013 14:17

Call her on it. Next time she makes an off the cuff comment stop dead whatever you're doing, look at her unsmilingly and demand an explanation. In the meantime write down all the things you do that make her life easier (accommodation, food, lifts, favours, money, shopping, evenings out etc etc) and all the snide things she has said to you and have it ready for when you confront her. (you might lose your nerve or your memory will let you down when you tackle her) Show her all the things she risks losing if she carries this behaviour on.
1 She'll be shocked at just how much you do for her and what her behaviour will cost her.
2 The fact you had a list prepared shows her you have been mulling this over, its not a flash in the pan temper tantrum and you mean business.

SvetlanaKirilenko · 13/06/2013 14:18

I agree with all on here, YANBU and she is nasty and jealous - and she is using you.

Losing weight (well done!) can bring out the worst in some people. Tell her to leave your house and when she's safely out, then tell her to piss off.

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 13/06/2013 14:27

I know I should call her on it but I hate confrontation. Love the corporate explanations of why she's not welcome though!

I did challenge her on the wedding photo thing and she insisted she was right. Was very hurtful.

I just emailed DH about it and he said he's peed off she never contributes, so it's not just me. I know she earns a lot less than us so don't expect her to pay her way but she just never puts her hand in her pocket.

I think I'll go and examine the mug sign on my forehead in the mirror for a while and ponder how to get the keys back from her before telling her not to darken my doorstep again.

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 13/06/2013 14:32

She isn't your friend.

Once you accept that, you will no longer be afraid to tell her to piss off.

LemonPeculiarJones · 13/06/2013 14:35

Agree with Hecsy. She isn't your friend, she doesn't care about your feelings. Plus, she's using you. Because you're letting her.

She'll find another mug to utilise and undermine, make no mistake!

Stay strong. Tell her she cant stay this weekend (lie and say guests if you want to) and then email her and tell her why she won't be returning. If you're really too freaked out by a face to face confrontation that's okay.

Good luck.

LemonPeculiarJones · 13/06/2013 14:36

Btw don't mean to call you a mug; that's obviously how she views you though. You sound like a nice friend who's surprised at the dreadful behaviour you've encountered.

aquashiv · 13/06/2013 14:43

Of course she is jealous. You need to ask for a financial contribution. I would load said payment - call it a tolerance subsidy or a weekend rate pro rata it down.

If she cant pay then she can no longer stay.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/06/2013 14:45

I had a friend like this. I say friend. Bully is more accurate. They count on your silence and the fact that you won't stand up to her. Well why not give her the shock of her life by putting yourself (and dh) first. End the free ride now. End the silence. End the bullying.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/06/2013 14:48

Next time she comments on your past weight just respond with "yes and I look even more gorgeous now!" Helps if you strike a pose whilst you say it.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/06/2013 14:49

Ah... thread has moved on slightly... Blush

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/06/2013 15:01

I was told by my bigger friend "Ooh don't go losing too much weight, it won't suit you, its dangerous, you look just right now... blah blah blah..." I said "For fuck sake I was over 20 stone. Pull the other one will ya?" :o

crumblepie · 13/06/2013 15:06

sounds like she is using you for a free place to stay at weekends , and her constant put downs are to make her feel better about herself,tell her she cant stay anymore and i bet you dont hear from her again .

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/06/2013 15:08

I too hate confrontation, unless I am in full blown anger mode.

Get your DH to do it Grin

SayMama · 13/06/2013 15:11

Please don't be bullied by her! Say something!

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 13/06/2013 15:23

I will. I just have to work up the nerve to do it. She will be here this afternoon - am tempted to go out - and stays until Saturday morning. I think I have to wait until Saturday morning or the stay will be even more excruciating. I think I'll just say that it won't work out with her staying here and get my keys back, then leave her to work out the rest. I can't be bothered with a confrontation where she will either deny or claim she was joking and that I have no sense of humour about being called a fat bride.

OP posts:
Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 13/06/2013 15:29

Or can I just text her?

OP posts:
Bobyan · 13/06/2013 15:33

Text her, text her!

"soz u piss me off. Don't come back. Cu 8er"

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2013 15:36

I would let her stay this time but go out with your DH tonight and tomorrow night. Then on Saturday, after she's gone, send her an email telling her you won't be able to put her up in future so she'll need to make other arrangements. Say that she has been really rude about your weight and that you are shocked she has been so insensitive, given it is clearly an issue for her, too. Also, your husband has asked why she is so mean with money when you are both doing her a big favour in letting her stay.

You may get one nasty email back - let your husband respond to it. If he does a good enough job, you won't hear from her again.

Nobody would say things like that about me and not live to regret it!

minouminou · 13/06/2013 15:39

Why would you laugh over her wedding day comments? It was one of the biggest days of your life and she's trying to make out that you looked terrible on it....to taint your memory of it.

Ok, so you lost weight, and might look and feel better now, but that doesn't mean you looked bad then. No-one should diss a bride's photo, and no-one should repeatedly go on about how FAT you were THEN. If they want to comment at all, it should be how GREAT you look NOW!

Get rid. Just tell her the arrangement isn't working and she should find an alternative. It's a stressful enough situation anyway, without this cowbag imposing her bile on you, time after time.

minouminou · 13/06/2013 15:41

Just re-read....size 16 isn't even that bloody big. Find it hard to believe that your stomach stuck out further than your boobs at size 16.
Twat.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/06/2013 15:46

"Only mix with people who make you feel good about yourself"

Yes, that's the beginning and end of it, for me cuteboots

I'd give her a chance - ask her assertively why she is being so rude. If you get anything less than an abject apology, disengage

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 13/06/2013 15:47

minouminou that's exactly what it does. I know I'm slimmer now, and look better but I didn't look bad then, just bigger. Today I'm looking at my pictures with a feeling of sadness.

Now I'm dwelling thinking about it, there have been loads of other snide comments asides - about my hair or what someone said about me behind my back, at how she would do something in a different and therefore superior way to me.

It's a real penny dropping day.

We're out tonight, and tomorrow may see friends overnight. I'll make sure she knows she won't be homeless this weekend but that she needs to return the keys and not come back. Growing balls as we speak!

OP posts:
EagleRiderDirk · 13/06/2013 15:48

You have my sympathies OP Flowers

My sister was always thinner than me growing up, and even though I've put weight on slowly (well until recently) she ballooned a few years ago. I never dreamed of saying anything. At my biggest recently I was still never as big as she was. Yet following a breakup she shed a load of weight and is now back to very slim. The bile she spouted towards me and my parents and our 'weight' issues was horrific. It was made to sound like we're all morbidly obese, which none of us were (and my poor mum only has weight on her thanks to her medications, and she's depressed about it anyway).

I really don't understand some people.