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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to this wedding?

181 replies

ItsallFeegle · 10/06/2013 20:04

So, we are a family of four.

Myself, DP, (my) DD and (our) baby DS. DP and I have been together approx 3 years.

DP's close friends are to be wed next month and the invite arrived at the beginning of last month. I pointed out to DP that neither DD or DS were mentioned on the invite and asked him on a few occasions to speak with his friends to find out if the DC were invited too, as we don't have anyone who could/ would mind them whilst we attended the wedding.

DP came home from work today and informed me that our DS had been remembered but my DD had been totally forgotten!

I've already contacted the bride to be and said that unfortunately, only DP would be in attendance.

I said my best wishes go with him on the day and I wish them all the best in their future.

DP and I aren't a new couple. All of his friends know our family dynamics, so....

....AIBU to think this is shite on my DD? And is it U of me to stay at home with my DC, both of them?

OP posts:
Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 11/06/2013 01:05

I'm astonished that anyone would think it would be a good idea to leave a 14 year old at home alone while the rest of her family are 250 miles away.

I think you've made the right choice.

I was invited to two weddings that were within three weeks of my having my third child (by c-section) Both brides were taken aback that I politely turned them down Confused i did send nice gifts though!

MrsLyman · 11/06/2013 01:10

The OP said 15, my parents moved to another country for 6 months when I was 16 leaving me at home alone, although I expect that's not the norm.

Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 01:12

Mrs - precious or no and she fucking well is Wink I'm not leaving one of my two children to feel excluded 250 miles away Grin

Brand - there was no choice for me. She is 14 (despite me saying almost 15).

We'll have a fun weekend Grinv

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 01:13

Mrs - please read the whole thread.

I clarified she is a few months away from 15 in multiple posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 01:15

Sorry for those massive failings of the italics Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 01:18

In fact, I've stated right from my second post that DD is almost 15. She is and will be 14 until September Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 01:29

This OP won't be back.

I've had some great debate, some great support and some balanced opposition.

Thanks everyone for your input but the thread is now moot.

OP posts:
holidaysarenice · 11/06/2013 03:04

Tbh I think it was neither child and when ur dp raised it, and said you had no childcare they thought let them bring the baby. A 15 year old can look after themselves. So less Unreasonable

In honesty I don't think they want either there, but feel that some people 'have to' (rightly or wrongly) bring their baby.

fuckwittery · 11/06/2013 03:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsThisAGoodIdea · 11/06/2013 03:23

Do they know your daughter? Tbh I'm not sure I'd be quite as aggrieved as you are. They are primarily your DP's friends, is that right? (Sorry, can't face all 7 pages) Your DD is quite capable of being left at nearly 15 yrs old. Not alone overnight but with a friend surely? A lot of couples don't mind babes-in-arms coming to weddings but draw the line at people's older children, especially if they don't know them, and especially to the whole day.

If you were family it would be different. Your DD would be part of the extended family but she's not. She's the teenage daughter of their friend's partner. I know you have a child together but your DD with someone else probably doesn't rank very highly on their searing plan which may be pretty tight. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but couples often have to make brutal decisions during their wedding planning.

We didn't invite children other than small babies (who obviously can't be left) to our wedding. It might not be everyone's way, but I don't think it's that strange at all.

IsThisAGoodIdea · 11/06/2013 05:25

Ok, I've read the whole thread now and it's clear that this is about something much bigger than a wedding invitation.

Good luck OP.

IsThisAGoodIdea · 11/06/2013 05:26

Btw, I'm in a different time zone, not an insomniac...

HollaAtMeBaby · 11/06/2013 07:46

Here is where you made clear that your DD has no close enough friends to stay with for a weekend:

ItsallFeegle Mon 10-Jun-13 20:38:06
Which of my DD's friend's (at home) is she (or I) supposed to assume that she could just stay with? It's not as easy as saying stay with a friend.

ItsallFeegle Mon 10-Jun-13 23:17:00
I'm not sure where people think I'm expected to deposit DD whilst the other 3 of us go to somewhere together.

ItsallFeegle Mon 10-Jun-13 23:21:25
Yes, she genuinely does [stay at a friends for the weekend] but who am I to assume I/we could expect that? It happens occasionally, for a night, not a weekend.

Sorry to break it to you, but this is not the norm for a teenage girl with close friends. I would have had half a dozen options for a weekend stay at that age, and often had friends to stay for several nights. I feel sad for your DD and I wonder whether you're prioritising your own emotional need for your blended family to be seen as a 'unit' to the extent where you're unconsciously discouraging close relationships with outsiders.

Whatever, enjoy your flounce :)

redexpat · 11/06/2013 08:18

So general consensus is that this is a childfree wedding with the exception of babes in arms. It's not about ignoring you as a family, or your daughter from a previous relationship.

That leaves you with an almost 15yr old who you're not ready to leave yet.

You continue to insist that you don't have any childcare Hmm. Have you asked her if there are any friends she could stay with? Just because YOU dont feel like you could ask, it doesnt mean she feels the same. She may have a good relationship with a friend's parents.

Otherwise your choice is made: don't leave her alone, don't go to the wedding. But don't read more into it. It's not a slight on your family.

QuintessentialOldDear · 11/06/2013 08:32

I cant believe you have already contacted the bride to be of your dps childhood friend and told her only dp would come, because a 14 year old (nearly 15) from a previous relationship was not invited. Did you use the word childcare when you spoke to bride to be?

ParadiseChick · 11/06/2013 08:43

Am I missing something? It sounds like they didn't intend on inviting wither of your children until they were pulled up on it by your dh and felt obliged to basically say ok, bring the baby.

decaffwithcream · 11/06/2013 09:03

"He's upset that his friend said they'd totally forgotten DD and he's confused as to why she can't be invited in the evening."

It probably didn't occur to them that this would suit you - that you and your children would be willing to travel 250 miles and sit around/go elsewhere while the wedding and reception are on, and then come for the evening. And all stay overnight in order to do that. It's unlikely that most people would consider doing that with a baby in tow, just for attending an evening do (which a baby may make it difficult to attend). So I would think that the couple would not even think of that as an option that you wanted to go for.

MrsLyman · 11/06/2013 09:14

I was answering why some people thought it was ok to leave a 14 year old at home, it was because in your first post you said 15.

ParadiseChick that's how I see it too, I just couldn't articulate it in the middle of the night.

OP I have no doubt you think your daughter is precious, I said you were being precious, please read my posts properly Wink

MotherofDragons82 · 11/06/2013 11:08

OP, YABU.

It seems quite clear to me - and to others - that neither of your children were originally invited. Which is why their names weren't on the wedding invitation. From my experience of weddings, this is quite normal - family children are usually invited, friends' children not so much.

But then, when pulled up on it, the couple (quite rightly IMO) made an exception for your DS, because he is so little that he couldn't possibly be left for a weekend. This again seems normal to me. A no-children rule, but exceptions for babes in arms. Fine.

I don't know why you've taken such offence or why, if they're such close friends, you're not going.
If your two children were close in age and one had been invited but not the other, that would be a very different matter. But the fact is that there's 14 years between them!

Like others have said, I'm very sad for your DD that she has nobody she could stay with for the weekend. At that age I would have had four or five very close friends who would have happily had me to stay for the weekend. I would also not have wanted to go away to my stepdad's friend's wedding, and would have relished the chance of some freedom.

It seems you've flounced and made your mind up already but, if there's honestly nobody she can stay with, why don't you all go away for the wedding weekend?
Just let her go shopping, see a film, sit in and entertain herself or whatever while you're at the do. Seems like a silly thing to get in such a tizz over. There must be more to it...

madmayday · 11/06/2013 15:32

OP - I completely get where you're coming from! I have a similar situation, in that I have an almost 11 year old DS from a prior relationship and and 1 year old DD with my DP. All mine and DP's friends know we come as a family of four and always extend the invite to my son as well as my daughter - even those who were DP's mates at first. Our friends love my DS to bits and I can't conceive of a situation where he'd be overlooked. However, my DS spends every other weekend with his bio dad and as such, missed out on a friends wedding last year due to this unfortunate timing (his dad took him on holiday that very same weekend as well). The bride very kindly put a goody bag together for him as a gift, so that he wouldn't feel left out. (She is lovely)! :-)

Although I would have no problem in letting my DS stay at one of his friends for a weekend, I would definitely have a problem with him being the only one not to attend an event due to not being invited! For those of you who may not realise this, welcoming a new baby sibling into the family after being an only child for so long, is a MASSIVE adjustment and even the most well-balanced kids will sometimes struggle with it all. Especially if the siblings are "half" siblings - that brings along a whole new set of insecurities. So to receive a bloody insensitive wedding invite like OP has, might confirm, to a young anxious mind, that there is no longer a "place" for them in the family. The OP is in NO WAY being over-sensitive about her DD - she is actually being very sensible in thinking about the long term effects on her daughter's peace of mind.

When I was 14/15, I may not have thought this wedding to be the social event of the year but I still would have taken it bloody personally if I was the only one not invited!!! Whatever the reasons behind it!!! All or none, in my opinion...

MrsLyman · 11/06/2013 17:00

But the original invite also excluded the new baby. Childfree weddings that make allowances for 'babes in arms' aren't that unusual.

nkf · 11/06/2013 17:07

But you get not to go to the wedding. That's good news surely.

IsThisAGoodIdea · 11/06/2013 18:14

But Madmayday, the DD wasn't the only one not invited. Neither child was invited. The OP's partner put the groom on the spot and he had to say it was fine to bring the baby but how could he make allowances for a teen who would then need to be slotted into the seating plan?

I'm sure the couple did not intend either child to be invited and the groom just handled it clumsily by saying they "forgot" about the DD. It's the kind of thing people say when they're put on the spot. I don't think she was forgotten at all. The couple getting married just wanted as child-free a wedding as possible.

The OP has turned it into something more by implying her DD was left out when in fact neither child was invited.

My opinion is that she is being a bit petty to stay away with both children, especially as these people are apparently close friends. A shame for her DP too.

I just can't believe a 15 yr old would care about any of this as much as her mother does. And 250 miles does not have to be a weekend trip, an overnight would suffice.

DeskPlanner · 11/06/2013 18:14

If my dc aren't mentioned on an invitation, then they aren't invited, very simple. I would just have assumed they where not invited. I think put on the spot, they felt pressed to invite the baby. But your dd would take up a full adult place. The B&G may have have lots of friends with older children, and feel they have to draw the line somewhere.

I say this as someone who dislikes child free weddings. I chose to have a less formal wedding because I wanted my friends children to take part. I think its sad that so few children go to weddings these days. But I still think YABU, I don't think they are excluding your dd because she is not the biological dd of your dh, as neither dc where on the invitation.

DeskPlanner · 11/06/2013 18:14

If my dc aren't mentioned on an invitation, then they aren't invited, very simple. I would just have assumed they where not invited. I think put on the spot, they felt pressed to invite the baby. But your dd would take up a full adult place. The B&G may have have lots of friends with older children, and feel they have to draw the line somewhere.

I say this as someone who dislikes child free weddings. I chose to have a less formal wedding because I wanted my friends children to take part. I think its sad that so few children go to weddings these days. But I still think YABU, I don't think they are excluding your dd because she is not the biological dd of your dh, as neither dc where on the invitation.

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