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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to this wedding?

181 replies

ItsallFeegle · 10/06/2013 20:04

So, we are a family of four.

Myself, DP, (my) DD and (our) baby DS. DP and I have been together approx 3 years.

DP's close friends are to be wed next month and the invite arrived at the beginning of last month. I pointed out to DP that neither DD or DS were mentioned on the invite and asked him on a few occasions to speak with his friends to find out if the DC were invited too, as we don't have anyone who could/ would mind them whilst we attended the wedding.

DP came home from work today and informed me that our DS had been remembered but my DD had been totally forgotten!

I've already contacted the bride to be and said that unfortunately, only DP would be in attendance.

I said my best wishes go with him on the day and I wish them all the best in their future.

DP and I aren't a new couple. All of his friends know our family dynamics, so....

....AIBU to think this is shite on my DD? And is it U of me to stay at home with my DC, both of them?

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 10/06/2013 20:38

Do they know your dd? Have they ever met her etc? I can understand a baby coming,no meal required & in case they are bf.

mumofweeboys · 10/06/2013 20:41

Only reasonable thing I can think of that is that they dont want under 16s at wedding unless their dependent babies.

If it was a genuine mistake - it happens, could it be they have ran out of money so cant afford any more guests, actually on that note, could they have missed her out on purpose because they had to cut numbers?

QuintessentialOldDear · 10/06/2013 20:41

I had a 11 year old with me this weekend, his parents were at a wedding. Friend mentioned a bit of a bother with a babysitter not being able to have him the entire weekend and having to go to a wedding on a different continent. I offered to have him over, as they are friends. I also have an 11 year old. Is there really nobody who could offer to have your dd for a sleep over?

AlbertaCampion · 10/06/2013 20:41

This is a storm in a teacup! YABU.

What 15-year-old wants to go to the stuffy old wedding of a friend-of-mum's-boyfriend anyway? Personally I would have been relishing the prospect of a weekend of (relative) freedom.

StrawberryMojito · 10/06/2013 20:42

And for that reason, they will completely understand your reason for declining. They can't please everyone, weddings are bloody expensive.

NinetiesBitch · 10/06/2013 20:42

I wouldn't ask anyone to take my 15year old for a weekend though, one night is a different matter.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 10/06/2013 20:42

On re-reading your OP it actually sounds like it is a child free wedding and you've put them on the spot by asking them whether your DC are invited.

If an invite doesn't mention DC then I'd assume no children, I wouldn't even have asked.

Whocansay · 10/06/2013 20:43

It's beside the point whether dd would want to go or could stay with friends. The point is this couple chose to exclude her. They do not view the OP and her DP as a family unit.

That is rude.

MortifiedAdams · 10/06/2013 20:43

I never get het up about childfree weddings - I'm invited to one next month. Couldnt give a hoot. However, they have invited tohalf of your children and excluded the other half.

In this instance, I would have dh call them and say "I can understand if you want a chikd free wedding or only inviting family children, but to exclude one of our children is not right and so we will all be declining the invte"

thatstoast · 10/06/2013 20:43

Based on the fact that neither were mentioned on the invite, it seems plausible that neither of the children were invited. Maybe, when your DP asked they felt like you disagreed with their choice of who to invite and felt obliged to agree to your younger DS attending as he wouldn't need a seat?

I would never assume that someone not mentioned on a invite was invited to a wedding, whether that be children or partners etc.

ifancyashandy · 10/06/2013 20:44

I agree with those who say they've said yes (when pressed) to your baby but assumed a 15 YO wouldn't want to attend. And like already noted, someone of that age has a cost implication whereas a baby does not

If I invited all the kids of my friends to a formal 'do', it would increase the numbers (& cost) hugely.

I think you're over thinking this. I don't think it was meant as a snub.

decaffwithcream · 10/06/2013 20:46

I think actually forgetting her (and the groom has said that they did) is probably more the problem for you than if they simply had decided not to invite her - obviously they would think it far more difficult to arrange childcare for a baby than a sleepover for a 15 year old so it would make sense to "invite" the baby.

MyShoofly · 10/06/2013 20:46

Well at risk of going against the grain....I think YAB a bit U. It was probably an accident and they forgot. People have a lot going on when planning a wedding. They apologized profusely. You sound over the top about it to me. Meh. It shouldn't be worth ruining a freindship over IMO.

lilackaty · 10/06/2013 20:50

I think you are totally not being unreasonable and can't believe how many people think it's okay. it doesn't matter at all whether or not she would want to come, the fact that she was forgotten is appalling.
But, is there any chance that your dp has not quite repeated what he was told correctly and it has come out sounding far more offensive than it should have done? I know what I mean so I hope it makes sense?

Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 10/06/2013 20:51

The wedding is 250 miles away, my DD is a few months off being 15 and I'm not going to leave her at home on her own for a weekend.

I'm feeling shite for my daughter, yes.

I think if the couple had told DP, sorry but there isn't room for either DC I'd be ok.

It may be strange to some of you that this is an issue but it just is.

OP posts:
BOF · 10/06/2013 20:53

I can understand why you are upset, but I truly don't think they meant it as an outright snub to your daughter. It is far more likely that they generally just aren't inviting their friends' children at all, but when pressed could see no reason not to be able to accommodate a small, non-seated baby which won't cost them money. They haven't explained themselves very well, but the groom probably didn't want to admit that they are all spent-up.

QuintessentialOldDear · 10/06/2013 20:53

"I can understand if you want a chikd free wedding or only inviting family children, but to exclude one of our children is not right and so we will all be declining the invte" That would be a bit Guestzilla, as they may have invited the baby as he is a baby.

MortifiedAdams · 10/06/2013 20:57

Quint he is one of their two children. How awful of the 15yo tohe excluded from something that allthe ret of her family are invited to. Way to highlight the fact that she isnt the biological child of her siblings dad.

I could sort ofunderstand if the baby were one of a number of children and it needed to be there (feeds etc), but who the actual fuck invites three people out of a family of four ?

Morgause · 10/06/2013 21:01

I agree with those who said neither were invited originally. If their names weren't on the invitation then I'd assume they weren't.

We went to several weddings when our DC were small and their names were on the invitations if they were invited. Other weddings we went to were "children of close family only" and our DCs names were not on the invitation.

I think the friends felt put on the spot so invited the child who wouldn't need a seat.

I think your DP was unreasonable to ask if they were invited in the first place - it's obvious to me that they weren't.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 10/06/2013 21:05

I notice you haven't answered anyone that has asked if this couple have met your DD? Are they in her company often?

I think if the couple had told DP, sorry but there isn't room for either DC I'd be ok

I think it was clear from the fact that your DC names weren't on the invite, that they weren't invited. I think it was actually bad manners to put them on the spot by asking them about it.

squeakytoy · 10/06/2013 21:07

I dont know of any weddings that I have been to where friends of the couple brought their teenagers. Family yes, but certainly not friends.

When I got married it wouldnt even have occurred to me to invite my friends' teenagers and there were quite a few couples who had them.

Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 10/06/2013 21:11

I'm not planning on ruining any friendships over it and the whole reason I asked DP to double-check was because I fully understand that the cost of a wedding is usually astronomical.

I haven't been invited to a wedding in over 20years, so protocol is unknown to me.

Some of you lovely ladies are putting words in my mouth in regards to my saying this was an intentional snub. I don't think that at all but the groom is one of DP's best friends, his bride to be a friend since childhood and he had to ask about the DC, as the wedding is so far away!

I'm really unprepared to leave my DD alone for a weekend.

The couple know us all well enough (especially DP) to just say no kids, sorry.

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 10/06/2013 21:12

When I got married, I did invite the teenage step children of a family member. He rsvpd that they would all be coming so we paid for them. On the day the teenagers didn't turn up as I think they'd had a better offer...now that was annoying.

Original poster
ItsallFeegle · 10/06/2013 21:19

DrGoogle - if you want to offer your opinion, please read all of the thread.

I have, in fact, answered the question and yes, they know my DD well.

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 10/06/2013 21:19

Of course it's about cost to the poster who asked me !