Soft play incident - WIBU?!

[Sianilaa]

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

Give us an example?! My ds gives quite funny responses but he's not clever enough yet to realise what he's saying - he's just speaking plainly!

"I have never done time out, my DD is 7 now, she has never EVER hit me.........just saying, like"

Maybe you have never needed to do time out, LesMis, because your daughter has never hit you. Just saying, like.

Nice mis-spelling of my name there BS Just saying, like!

as for my previous post, it was twattish, sorry

ah yes, but 3 year old back chat is along the lines of...

" go away poo-poo head"

Well, occasionally my just-turned-2YO says 'I not sorry!' (definite emphasis) when I ask her to apologise for something. She then crosses her arms and sort of frowns at me waiting for a reaction (I think because her CM has just started time-out with her). However I ignore her and wait and she'll apologise after a bit of no reaction, so I can certainly imagine a 3YO capable of 'back-chat' in a 'test the waters' type way rather than the deliberately goady way that teenagers seem to aim to perfect!

Actually I think turning your back on a sobbing child is a vile thing to do. And the fact that he has learnt to sit there and cry alone, because you knows he won't get any comfort from you, that he has to finish crying in one place because he will get a reaction, makes me feel sick.

I might not have actually gone over to a child being treated in that way, but I would have damn well wanted to.

• because he will not get a reaction.

She shouldn't have interfered.

However, I do agree with what Sirboob said above. Using time out is not necessarily harm free and may not actually be effective long term. Yes, it's better than hitting but that shouldn't be a marker of how we treat our children. Here's an article on time outs, you may want to read.

Whether a time-out was OTT or not (I am not a fan of them and not a believer in their effectiveness), I'm appalled that someone would undermine someone else's parenting in such a rude way. A time-out may be seen by some as rejecting the child and therefore on its way to 'abusive' (very very minorly on its way), but this is not the kind of behaviour someone needs to step in and stop. YWNBU.

I'm such a terrible parent and awful person I've made someone sick!? Perhaps you should report me to SS? Your child pushes someone and then smacks you - what's the perfect parent way of dealing with it then Sirboobalot?

An excerpt from that article, becsparkel:

"Once the meltdown starts and your child is swept with emotion, it?s too late for teaching. Don't try to talk or negotiate or convince him of anything; he's in "fight or flight" emergency mode and the thinking parts of his brain aren't working right now. Just stay nearby so you don?t trigger his abandonment panic, and stay calm. Don?t give in to whatever caused the meltdown, but offer your total loving attention. Tell him he's safe. Be ready to reassure him of your love once he calms down."

That is exactly what I did. I was about 1 metre away from him. I just wasn't looking at him. I explained why - careful to say it's the behaviour I don't like NOT him. He knew why. And we talk about it afterwards and I always tell him I love him, we make up. I don't believe that's damaging at all. We also do plenty of positive behaviour management stuff too.
I'm not saying I did the right thing but I strongly believe it wasn't vile. But you're entitled to your opinion, that's why it's in AIBU after all.

It is to some people very disressing to here a young child crying for so long.

He was crying for about 30 seconds!

Dr Laura Markham can go kiss my 3-kids-in-2-years-arse.

Also find it funny that the child is in trouble for pushing and his mother is warning another adult that she might get thumped.

Sounds like you were more aggressive than your child, tbh.

I think the OP reacted in a sensible way. DS1 (2.5) gets physical with other children when he's tired and overwhelmed, so I use time out to remove him from the stressful situation, and I pull him out to a calmer spot- I've taken him out to the lobby at mother and toddler group to quieten down.

If I know he's deliberately being naughty to seek attention (it's in that look in his eyes) I will tactically ignore him in an obvious way- currently over very spitty rasberries which he knows are "yuck".

Yesterday I was napping on the sofa, and to get my attention, he woke me with a hard headbutt. He shocked himself with the pain. I told him no kiss because he did it to himself. It didn't take long for the fuss to stop. He is testing boundaries- later in the day he was testing about stepping on a newly planted flowerbed- it was the look over the shoulder for yay or nay. He was gently told "off the flowerbed" and praised when he did.

There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer as all children and parents are individuals. My strategies are working on my son, and he is a happy child who recieves love and gives love.

When I was 38wks pg and on crutches, I was very grateful to a couple who assisted me with my consent by carrying a tantruming DS to the ride-on cars to calm him down (he wanted to go into the supermarket, thinking toy aisle, I wanted to go to the car. I wasn't capable of doing anything until he was calm enough to walk) However if someone had handled him without permission and criticsed my actions I would have been incensed (my only option was to wait it out patiently).

Pointing out that the person is likely to end up being assulted for their actions is not a threat. I was once in a shoe shop and astounded by the verbal explosion of expletives that came out of one mother to the heavily pregnant lady who had politely asked the son to move out of a seat so she could try shoes on, I really wouldn't be suprised if some parents became physically abusive in response to their child being handled and them being critcised by a stranger.

This is another reason why I loathe soft play. There's something about those places that brings out the worst in children (and their parents)

Why is the gender of the partner relevant? Do you have some agenda to make lesbians or same sex parents look unreasonable?

I'm with SirBoob on this one.

I don't understand your comment about inappropriately touching a child.

What did you mean by that?

Didn't mean anything by it, hermione. Just mentioned it because she came over to talk to me.

I did think picking up and fiercely cuddling my son, to the point where I had to prise him out of her grasp (she clearly wasn't willing to let go of him) without my permission or his, during a time when I was trying to deal with his behaviour was pretty inappropriate actually, Winning.

I wasn't aggressive towards her. I didn't shout, scream, swear, get in her face or threaten to punch her. I was angry, yes. My comment was about her doing that to someone else and how it might land her in hot water - who is to say the next child she takes it upon herself to snatch up might have a parent who does hit her or make an accusation about inappropriate touching. Like I said, that's not a threat - I was pointing out to her that it was not likely to be appreciated by any parent.

I don't think the OP was threatening the other woman at all, nor do I think she sounds violent.

She told the other woman that she ought to be careful as if she did it to someone else another person might thump her.

And she's right. My mum is forever honking people in her car and sticking two fingers up at them. I've warned her that one day she'll do it to the wrong person and someone will ram her/block her car and thump her. Doesn't mean that I'm threatening to do this to her.

OP - sounds like you did nothing wrong and other person has some issues. Put it behind you and carry on parenting your child how you feel fit. (which sounds fine to me) !

I cannot see how time out is so awful, it is a fairly calm way of dealing with DCs IMO if done properly. I have used it for my DCs and it seemed to work ok without any damage and I actually find it positive as th DCs always apologised and we had a cuddle etc. If I saw it in soft play I would think good on the mum that has bothered to watch what her DS is doing to other children.

I have heard plenty of 2/3/4 YOs back chat, I am surprised there are so many people out there with perfect children TBH. I have seen very young children telling their mums to 'go away' or 'shut up' when they are being told to do something, some of these mums laugh it off so maybe they don't think their child is actually back-chatting!!!

The OPs child is nearly 4 but thats irrelevant as a 3 YO should know what they are doing, mine both did, her DS hit her and was crying as he had been told off not because he needed comforting FFS - do you suggest that the OP cuddled him instead and said don't worry sweetheart, its ok to hit mummy or anyone else you feel like as you won't be punished?!

I am very jealous of all these perfect parents on MN who never need to discipline their DCs! Mine are pretty well behaved now because I have ensured I have disciplined them from a young age, what a dreadful parent I am!

mad lesbian parenting

tsk

You turned your back on a crying child. You said in your opening post he was given three minutes of this - whether he completed the three minutes or not is irrelevant. Your child has learnt that he is supposed to cry without being comforted, and by turning your back on him, you are telling him that he has to do this alone.

How would you feel as an adult if your OH disagreed with something you had done, you got upset, and he walked away from you to leave you to cry because he thought you needed to learn that you didn't get attention for negative behavior?

Your child was upset, and instead of being there for him, and comforting him, which you can do without condoning his initial action, you turned your back on him. He will remember that as he grows up.

He was over excited, and probably tired from having run around so much. You should have acknowledged that, and calmed him down in a different way, not left him to sob.

no one should get attention for negative behaviour? Thats the point surely?

Walking away from someone crying surely depends on whether they are actually upset or in this case the child was crying only because they had been told off and been taken away from the play area. No need for comfort IMO.

MrsMelons, you are totally missing my point about back chat. It is too sophisticated a position for a toddler to take, they will merely be imitating what they've heard and be interested in the reaction to certain words. Back chat implies insolence, fitting for a teenager but not for someone who has been on the planet for 3 years!