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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Soft play incident - WIBU?!

385 replies

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 10:29

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

OP posts:

OHforDUCKScake · 09/06/2013 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 11:56

I can assure you it definitely did!

I didn't video it so have no actual proof though.

OP posts:

kungfupannda · 09/06/2013 12:00

Did she honestly say "It's not your fault that you have such a cruel, abusive mummy?" or are you paraphrasing?

I think that's the bit people are struggling with, really. It's such a cartoonish, clunky thing to say.

BatwingsAndButterflies · 09/06/2013 12:00

I can believe this well enough, I have come across some proper mad people in my time.

SWBU, you did exactly the right thing, don't doubt yourself.

usualsuspect · 09/06/2013 12:05

She sounds barking.

but I wouldn't have done the time out thing at soft play.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 09/06/2013 12:07

"I don't think it was an exact quote"
So how much have you exaggerated for effect paraphrased?

LEMisdisappointed · 09/06/2013 12:14

What you did wrong was not take him straight home when he whacked you.

I have never done time out, my DD is 7 now, she has never EVER hit me...........just saying, like

LisaExpress · 09/06/2013 12:17

LEMisdisappinted, what do you suggest if that's simply not possible, such as you're there in a group, or you have other children with you who haven't played up? You're being just as prescriptive as the woman who had a dig at the OP!

LEMisdisappointed · 09/06/2013 12:21

Im sorry if my post came across that way, although i can see why it did so apologies. is it very obvious i have an only??

LisaExpress · 09/06/2013 12:23

Indeed. I have to say that taking a child home instead of a couple of minutes away from the situation is v OTT especially when they're 3!

LEMisdisappointed · 09/06/2013 12:26

Not for the pushing but for the hitting mum thing - anyway, the point is, the woman was barking, her husband must have been mortified. The OP WNBU

Loa · 09/06/2013 12:28

I quickly found time outs in public areas - even toddler groups - didn't work because people do interfere - though I've never been called abusive that's very odd - people IME try and intervene with the best of intentions with the view they can 'help'.

I had to make do with eye contact and firm telling off - unless DC were hysterical then a quiet corner for us to stop in till quiet was gained. Leaving also very good way of demonstrating that behavior is not on - but not possible if you are there with more than one DC.

I think you just came across one very bizarre woman there OP as it reads as such an OTT way to behave to a total stranger.

Loa · 09/06/2013 12:31

v OTT especially when they're 3!

For a one of incident yes - for a pattern of bad behavior usual means it time to call it quits that day. Plus nearer 4 they can though dependent on DC often understand a treat being curtailed due to bad behavior.

snooter · 09/06/2013 12:37

She ought to have kept her nose out. Warning that we would leave if it happened again & then making sure we did actually leave when it did worked best for me when my son was that age.

crashdoll · 09/06/2013 12:38

I thought it was against MN netiquette to accuse posters of trolling. Report if you think it's untrue but coming on here like the thread police makes you look very silly.

OP, I believe you. Some people really are bonkers!

CAF275 · 09/06/2013 12:42

YADNU. The woman is a loon. I really hope for your sake you don't come across her again in a year or 2 when her pecious little DC is terrorising the living daylights out of the other kids a that same centre while she calmy sits there with a soothing "now now DC, you know it's not socially acceptable to push/kick/bite other little darlings".

FWIW I think you did extremely well with carrying out what was reasonable, effective (for you) and consistent discipline.

Turniptwirl · 09/06/2013 12:45

Unless you were causing him real harm (physical or emotional) then the other woman had no right to interfere . Standing 1m away from your almost 4 year old in time out for bad behaviour is not causing real harm !

Whether someone agrees with your parenting style or not, it's really none of their business! It's your child and your responsibility.

hufflebottom · 09/06/2013 12:48

way to go OP! I time out my 3 yo dd and have done since she was old enough to know she was doing wrong.

Totally believe this could happen, i gave my dd a time out for back chatting after 2 warnings in a supermarket (and numerous occasions during the day), some snooty old bag mentioned that 'the poor little darling doesn't know that it's wrong, you are being so horrible to her' i don't think she was expecting a 'and i want your advice why?'

You should ave reported her to the staff at the play centre, or loudly mention that if she touches your kid once more you'll involve the police!

Goldenbear · 09/06/2013 13:25

Time out for a 'backchatting' 3 year old- do 3 year olds have the ability to backchat?

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/06/2013 13:29

My mother is very anti timeout I did not know this until I saw her approach my nephew who had been placed in time out by his mother ( same room just away from dinner table) telling him mummy was over reacting and perhaps mummy wouldn't notice if she took him to watch tv.

I was livid on behalf of my sister,my nephew is ghastly he has already been asked to leave 3 very good preschools due to his horrid behaviour and nobody ever wants to play with him. This was the first time I have ever seen my sister even attempt to disapline him in any way shape or form.

I called my mum on it later asked her why she undermined my sister like that and she said " teaching a child rejection is abuse" but not not go into it any more shame really because I could have asked her what she called punching a child in the face so hard it broke their nose or rubbing that child's face in poo was if not abuse as when I was small stuff like that were her chosen methods of punishment.

TeapotsInJune · 09/06/2013 13:34

I must admit I don't like 'time out' I just yell but wow - talk about an over the top reaction!

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2013 13:38

Time out for a 'backchatting' 3 year old- do 3 year olds have the ability to backchat?

Yes.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2013 13:40

*LesMis: I have never done time out, my DD is 7 now, she has never EVER hit me...........just saying, like:

Do you think timeout and hitting are related/cause-and-effect?

Why?

Goldenbear · 09/06/2013 13:43

None of the 3 year olds I know could, do. It is a completely OTT reaction.

CreatureRetorts · 09/06/2013 13:56

The time out seemed a bit over the top to me (I use it myself but sparingly). Were you doing it because other people were around and you wanted to come across as in control?

Anyway, I digress, that woman was a loon.

I don't take my 3 year old to soft play because it's too stressful! Park is better.

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