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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Soft play incident - WIBU?!

385 replies

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 10:29

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

OP posts:

gorionine · 09/06/2013 10:50

Woman definitely out of order, not you!

amessagetoyouYoni, your way is absolutely fine too, we all have different ways to discipline our children but to actually take it upon oneself to totally undermine a mother in the process of trying to educate their child, WOW, this woman has got some nerve!

OP, I have started a thread recently about complete strangers commenting or even acting as if they were 'in loco parentis' your story beats everything I heard so far. I hope you do not mind if I link your thread on mine.

ArtexMonkey · 09/06/2013 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eilidhbelle · 09/06/2013 10:51

I didn't say you we're going to thump her, just that there was a threat of violence there, which is what you were telling your son off for.

SueDoku · 09/06/2013 10:51

No, you weren't. You were handling your child in a way which you know works for him. She was so out of line that it is ridiculous - and her partner knew it, hence the apology. You sound really calm and are handling your DS really well far better than I ever did when mine where little

Hemlet · 09/06/2013 10:52

I feel angry on your behalf just reading that! I think you were doing exactly what you needed to do, you know your own child best and how he behaves. She was very unreasonable, and to those smugly saying "Oh, I have a hard time believing this", why? And how is that a helpful comment

KatOD · 09/06/2013 10:54

She was acting like a nutter whilst you we're doing what you believed to be right for your child!

Wow, what a nerve! Good for you for speaking up, I also feel angry on your behalf!!

gorionine · 09/06/2013 10:55

I love the way the partner apologised telling you you were an ignorant in the process.

Original poster

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 10:57

I didn't realise time out was so controversial! Should I have just ignored him pushing the other kid over? Let him hit me?

I think there's a difference Eilidh. My son hurt two people and I was calm but dealt with it. I was not violent or threatening towards this woman, nor did I shout at her. She massively overstepped the mark and I had to physically take my child out of her arms when she didn't want to give him back to me when I told her to. I got called cruel, abusive and ignorant.

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 09/06/2013 11:00

YANBU - she was totally wrong. It's none of her business how you discipline your child.

I wonder if she has her own children herself yet?? Time out is the only thing that works for some children and I don't think it is cruel if you're trying to stop him hitting or pushing others.

Original poster

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 11:02

She had a little 18 month old (ish) girl with her so assumed that was her child.

OP posts:

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 09/06/2013 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

pumpkinsweetie · 09/06/2013 11:06

Ywnbu, wish there was more mothers like you out at parks and softplay, as so many times my children are pushed in front off or pushed and i think to myself, where on earth are their parents?!

Can't stand people like that woman, who feel the need to interfere in someone elses child culumdroms and make what the mother has said inferior!

JollyShortGiant · 09/06/2013 11:11

Sian, your way of disciplining your son is exactly how I would have done it. Mine has just turned 2 and understands time out perfectly well. He can always tell me afterwards why he was put there and hasn't forgotten what the issue was, despite being significantly younger than your DS.

I understood that he was being disciplined for htting you rather than for pushing the child. Presumably he has hit before and been warned for it before, so taking the action you did was appropriate.

Original poster

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 11:11

What was off about the way I phrased what she said, hob nobs?! I don't think it was an exact quote but it was essentially what she said.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 11:17

Thanks Jolly, yes it was the hitting me he ended up in time out for. I've had to go a bit zero tolerance on him recently as I've been a bit lax and he can't go round lashing out whenever he doesn't get his own way when he goes to school. I think I've babied him a bit. But he does understand time out and can explain to me why he was put there. I just didn't realise time out created such strong reactions. I was standing right there by him too, not like I shoved him in a corner and walked away.

I don't necessarily think I handled it correctly, I probably should have laughed it off and not bothered about the pushing.

Maybe I was wrong to feel angry with her and should have been grateful that someone felt they could intervene when they saw child cruelty going by the other thread!

I feel a bit crap now. Not livid, just keep thinking about what I should have done differently.

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 09/06/2013 11:20

To those who don't believe this, that's because it's utterly unbelievable that someone would have the audacity to interrupt a total stranger disciplining their child! I would have been livid, op. Who the hell did she think she was?!

And as an aside, someone please tell me what's wrong with time out?

Salmotrutta · 09/06/2013 11:20

Crikey, she sounds well out of order!

You say your son is coming up for 4 so I think time out is absolutely fine at that age!

And I'd probably have stood there doing a goldfish expression in your shoes so well done on challenging her!

Tailtwister · 09/06/2013 11:21

Whether the woman agrees with your method of discipline or not is irrelevant. There's no way she should have interfered like that.

Personally I don't use time out as it doesn't work for me. I would have given a warning and if he had done it again he would have been taken home. If he had hit me then he would have gone straight home then and there. So you could say you were being more flexible than I would have been by giving him another chance.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 09/06/2013 11:22

Dont beat yourself up, Sian. Many days I think there's something I could've done differently wrt disciplining my toddler, but we are human and we're all learning "on the job", so to speak.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 09/06/2013 11:26

I would have lost my shit. The police would have been called. You are a better person than me OP. Oh, and you didn't threaten her. You spoke the truth. There are irrational people who will kick her as if she's not careful.

trackies · 09/06/2013 11:27

YANBU. It was none of her business, and the fact that her partner came over and apologised to you indicates that she was definitely over-reacting, and she was being rude.

trackies · 09/06/2013 11:28

I don't think timeout is bad if it works. There are alot worse things than timeout.

youarewinning · 09/06/2013 11:37

It sounds totally beleivable _ I've witnessed bonkers people like this before (woman not the OP!)

I like timeout (as opposed to naughty step). It works wonders with more active and boisterous children to teach them to step away before a situation get's out of hand or they hurt someone. I have a DS who does before he thinks. (suspected ASD and going through dx process). Its harder for him to learn social boundaries (but he's still got to!)

You gave your DS a chance to change his behaviour and he hit you. Therefore he was removed. He'll (hopefully!) think again before hitting you, but be aware the pushing will not stop overnight, that a developmental thing, worse in soft play when they're all hyped up! If your lucky next time you tell him to stop pushing, he'll stop!

BlackeyedSusan · 09/06/2013 11:38

your discipline was ok.

in that state I have to physically restrain ds in time out as he will attack random passers by/dd or me. he has got to learn that hitting is not acceptable. he is beginning to respond to the threat of time out now, so it works. and it has to be time out wherever he is, so it is consistent aas he is very black and white.

i expect the woman would have exploded at one of our time outs...

youarewinning · 09/06/2013 11:39

Oh, and another thing. I understand where the 'he's 3 but starts school in September so needs to learn anxiety comes from. I had the same as DS is a late August baby. Just remember he starts school young but developmentally he'll remain his chronological age - theres a huge difference in a nearly 4 and nearly 5 year old so try not to compare him. (not saying you do)

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