Soft play incident - WIBU?!

[Sianilaa]

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

goldenbear
yes 3 year olds do backchat
op, the woman sounds like a loon
time-out is a perfectly acceptable way of reinforcing consequances to bad behaviour
as for the time-out haters, what methods do you use?

That woman was well out of line. Don't think her partners apology was really much of one either given she managed to imply you were ignorant!

I'd say I'm stunned, except to say I've also seen some odd parental behaviour at soft play centres.

Recently, I was about to strike up a conversation with another British woman (I'm overseas) when she suddenly went ballistic at a nanny who, very accidentally, had taken a step backwards and accidentally knocked over British woman's two-year-old. Cue much screaming about heartlessness, irresponsibility and reporting nanny to the police. It was the most bizarre situation, and thoroughly unbelievable, unless you happened to be there.

Yanbu at all interferring cow. You did nothing wrong at all, you did not hit smack r swear. Just because she does Agree with the method does not mean you are abusive

I have never done time out, my DD is 7 now, she has never EVER hit me...........just saying, like. Possibly the smuggest thing I ever seen on MN!

because I could have asked her what she called punching a child in the face so hard it broke their nose or rubbing that child's face in poo was if not abuse as when I was small stuff like that were her chosen methods of punishment. Sock that is awful, I'm so sorry. And also probably explains a bit why your sister was so averse to discipline her own child.

OP, YWNBU. When my dd was 2 she was prone to having major tantrums to get her own way (according to my mum so was I). My method of handling these was just to ignore them, which generally meant that they didn't last too long as she wasn't getting the attention she was craving. There was one time when she had one on our local high street, lying on the ground kicking and screaming over something or other. I was stood next to her making sure she was safe but generally ignoring her, anyway someone came out of a shop and said that someone would call the police soon if it carried on!! I pretty much laughed at them and asked what they might call the police for, what offence was being committed? After about 2 or 3 mins I bent down, asked dd if she was ready to go now and we carried on home.

She definitely said I was cruel and abusive.

It could have been something like "I'm sorry your mummy is so cruel and abusive" rather than "what a cruel and abusive mummy you have" or whatever way I phrased it earlier. She was doing that passive aggressive talking to the child but obviously meaning it for me.

Oh and for the poster who said she doesn't use time out and therefore never gets smacked by their little one - good for you! I find that time out doesn't cause the hitting actually, but when he works himself up into a state a calm and quiet time out works wonders and he then apologises and it's usually a very long period of time before it happens again.

If time out doesn't work for you, fine. It works for me. I didn't really want to take him home and remove my other child who was behaving himself unless absolutely necessary as that's hardly fair on him.

What!!!! How out of line was she? I think you handled the situation very well. If you had let your D.S push the other little boy, people would have had enough to say about that. Sometimes you really can't win!.
I have had a reverse situation though. My daughter threw the mother of all tantrums when she was about 3 and I was reprimanding her when the shop keeper said. Yes do as your mummy says and don't be so naughty. I said excuse me "I am the parent" and I also said to my She didn't know where to put her face. Fair enough she may have been trying to help and I am not against discaplin. However unless she is the care of someone else that is my job. xxx

How bizarre. I would have told her to get a grip.

i never did time out , just shouted and made a scene, with hind sight i wish i did time out , my dd now thinks shouting and causing drama gets her what she wants .

I can assure you my three year old backchats like a bloody teenager.

To the smug poster: yes, I can tell you have an only. You've also been blessed with one who doesn't lash out. I don't know where it comes from when my DD hits- I never once hit my own mother. Luckily my son doesn't but he's still young!

Three/four year olds don't back-chat? HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Tell that to my daughter who has been the authority on everything since she was 2.5yo.

OP, YWNBU to give your dc a bit of quiet time to calm down after he (did you say he?) hit you. Supernanny style "Time Out" isn't my discipline style per se, but I do think that removing a child from the situation and giving them time to cool off and change their behaviour is better than screaming and shouting at them. The other lady was mad as a box of hair and frankly a bit of a twat to interfere, whether or not you embellished her actual words.

Time out is a perfectly acceptable discipline method to used and it sounds like some people need to start doing it.

It's no wonder we have the behaviour issues that commonly exist in schools when so many parents think that removing their child from a situation where they are misbehaving and allowing them the time to calm down and learn is wrong.

I think you handled the situation really well OP.

*I thought it was against MN netiquette to accuse posters of trolling. Report if you think it's untrue but coming on here like the thread police makes you look very silly.

OP, I believe you. Some people really are bonkers!*

This. If you don't believe it then do one, its really pathetic to just come on and say "I don't belive you"
News flash

NOBODY CARES WHETHER YOU DO OR NOT

Op ywnbu in anything you said or did so please don't doubt yourself

Floggingmolly - I can assure you it did.

I didn't embellish, just maybe used slightly different phrasing. She used the words cruel and abusive.

When I was a smug mum of one very placid and easy going DS I'd have thought the same as other posters. I have been blessed with a slightly more highly strung and demanding DS2! Although he is much better now he is a bit older and I'm getting more consistent. The more I shout at him, the more angry and out of control he can get. Learned that the hard way. I'm not a hitter and neither was DS1. So it's not the time out that causes it.

I believe you OP. I've had an experience with loons lots of times. One told me to my face "if you buy him what he wants he'll stop crying", I've had another grapple with my son thinking he'll cross the road on his scooter (he was waiting patiently by the curb for me to catch up - luckily ds2 found it amusing). No where loony as yours though! Must of been your lucky loon day !

Does anyone have a good story to tell about softplay? These places are the work of the devil himself and should be banned immediately. It must be the chemicals they use to make all that coloured plastic, rubber and foam which makes everyone a bit doolally.

YADNBU, how did your son react to a random stranger hugging him?!

Oh my GOD, a stranger came over and man handled your son???? Flipping heck, YANBU, and the other person is clearly an interfering nutter. Dh's cousin thought they were brilliant parents until they had dd2 who quite happily head butts everything - walls, furniture, people - and listens to nobody. Unfortunately some children need telling off. I can't believe some wally did this right in front of you. What an ignoramous.

To those of you with 'backchatting' 3 year olds, you must know or be parents to some pretty sophisticated 3 year olds. By definition 'backchat' is an impertinent retort. How can a 3 year old be impertinent, they've only just finished being babies. A three year old will probably be seeking an explanation and justification as to why they have to do something, misinterpreted as 'backchat'.

YADNBU. I agree with all those who've said if only more parents at soft play centres did something when their little darlings hurt other kids. I always give my little girl a stern telling off if she pushes, snatches toys etc from other kids and ask her to apologise, partly for the benefit of the kid who's been wronged and I guess also in the vain hope that other parents will do the sane when their kids hurt mine (they usually don't - lesson to be learned: we all parent in our own way).

I had no idea time out was so controversial. My husband and I both try to be consistent and it's hard to think of consequences that will be enough of a deterrent to work without being OTT and causing a major meltdown for a not very major offence leaving you tempted to backtrack and thus be inconsistent!

My mum was a pushover and terrible at using empty threats with me and my bro. Result was that, although we adore her, there was a bit of a respect deficit and things that she should have enforced (eg trips to orthodontist, optician etc and the general question of neither of us EVER doing any homework) just didn't happen. But now I'm a parent I know how hard it is.

I think in general losing your temper, saying mean things and of course hitting etc is abusive but any calm and moderate method of discipline that works for you is probably ok. I'm no expert - making this parenting thing up as I go along - but I'm sure I've read that firm boundaries make a child feel safe.

Oh and some three-year-olds definitely understand what they're doing, right and wrong etc. There's a huge variation in how fast kids develop - no-one should interfere with your parenting based on assumptions about your child's development. Some kids of about my little girl's age (nearly 3) really do seem like little toddlers who it would be mean to be tough with because they genuinely don't understand/didn't remember that they did a wrong thing. Others are very knowing and articulate. Their parents will know what's appropriate for their own child - this woman was awful and weird for interfering.

I have a 3.7 year old. He most certainly doesn't back chat. Yes he asks why etc but that's not back chat. It's him being a 3 year old.

Well I get what I consider to be impertinent retorts! Is that a stealth boast about an obviously advanced child?!

Well it stopped him crying, Hopandstop! He was a bit bewildered and just looked at her and then me with big eyes. Don't think he knew what to do either! She seemed to be hugging him to her quite tightly, I had to sort of grab him and pull him away. At which point he put his arms around my neck and wouldn't let go. It definitely threw him but he is a confident little boy who will talk or go to anyone so it didn't seem to upset him.