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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

229 replies

glam71 · 07/06/2013 09:42

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

OP posts:
theodorakisses · 07/06/2013 21:25

I think it doesn't really matter whether you chose to wake him or not but I would not expect crossness if you did. I had a nanny (in Middle East) so was different but if I had have woken him, he wouldn't have been cross. I had to wake him at 3am this morning to inform him I couldn't sleep and he chatted to me for a while, then I dropped off and he was then awake because the hundred or so bastard birds who live in our garden started chittering. So he got up, fed the kitten her bottle, watched a show he had downloaded and then slunk back to bed before the rabble woke up and snuggled up. I agree that if he is working and has a long day then he should be able to sleep. However, if its urgent then he shouldn't be cross

Cravingdairy · 07/06/2013 21:31

I did all the night wakings with my baby (BFing, 5+ per night till past 1 year) and worked full time in a managerial role from 6.5 months. One broken night will not do any serious damage to your DH.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:32

agree won't harm him,but there's need for it

trackies · 07/06/2013 21:37

ok so we are agreed that it won't harm him.

In which case, he can do it occasionally, when two DC's are up at the same time and both need assistance esp when vomit is involved.

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 21:38

It's not all about need.
It's about the desire to help the people you love, and to care for their welfare.

A bit of help when the other person in a partnership asks for it is what it's all about,surely?

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:40

it's not harmful,but may impair concentration/performance.so no need to
by all means he gets up weekend,holiday,night off
op isn't working she should do it

trackies · 07/06/2013 21:42

glam71 my DH also used to come home and sit here and do nothing, even when i went back to work. He saw it as he goes to work so he needs to have a rest when he gets home. Infact, even the kids started sitting in his chair saying 'i need to have a rest.'
When do i get a rest ? never ? He's much, mcuh better now.
Some DH's use your are the SAHM as an excuse to get you to do everything. Coming home, and expecting you to get 3DC's to bed and cook dinner, after you've been up last night looking after two DC's, and sitting there and watching tv is not on.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:42

partnership,yes.recognising that responsible job that supports family,mean op can get up instead

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 21:44

being in a relationship and being a parent isnt a job and sometimes either partner needs support regardless of a job this mum was needing support her oh so hard working husband would have refused he sounds a shit

trackies · 07/06/2013 21:45

DH sometimes goes out on week night, has a few drinks and then gets home about 1am. Maybe i should tell he's not to go out on a week night as it may impair his performance ? Tell you what, i'll go out for him.

theodorakisses · 07/06/2013 21:46

I only got 11 days leave, in those days we shared it because he said we are in it together. And ever since he has said the same and have just asked him why and he said it is a time when it would be very easy to turn on one another at times when it's bloody hard so better to share the burden. It just can't be that black and white and he also said unless he had an extremely important day ahead, as a one off, if he hadn't managed to sleep he would have taken the next day off sick as a parent with a sick child.

Original poster
glam71 · 07/06/2013 21:46

Thats part of the problem. I haven't had an uninterrupted nights sleep for nearly 8 months.

OP posts:
VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 21:49

scottishmummy while his paid employment is clearly supporting the family financially,glam71 is investing a huge amount towards supporting the family in her time and care.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 21:49

you need to say to him how you feel how this is affecting you talk to him he can help at the weekend or whatever TBH i think your sick twin and the baby was the last straw for you was it ?

trackies · 07/06/2013 21:50

yes glam71, lack of sleep really can be a killer. Is there any way you can catch up a bit on the weekends with DH's help ? i know it must be very difficult with 3DC's. Does she have a lunchtime nap or is she inconsistent at the moment ?

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:51

well your uninterrupted sleep is a different issue to get up on work. night
yes as I said he should get up non work night,weekend,holidays
times he not working

Original poster
glam71 · 07/06/2013 21:55

She is teething and really suffering. Maybe getting 15 minute naps and really demanding in between. Dh will take her downstairs on a weekend morning but within half an hour she will be screaming.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 07/06/2013 21:55

DH generally gets up to help out if something major happens. On Tuesday night the dog had a seizure and the two babies vomited. DH was up and helping with all three.

My experience with my DH has lead me to suggest I wouldn't have a talk with your DH I would tell him how you expect things to be done. When I have a talk with my DH he thinks it is optional to do stuff when it isn't. With my DH I started out by waking him up and telling him I needed his help with vom/pee/poo cleanup.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 21:55

I dont think the OP is expecting him to get up and be equal when he is working but I do think in an emergency she should feel it is ok to get him up and help her with the children,

Original poster
glam71 · 07/06/2013 21:56

She is teething and really suffering. Maybe getting 15 minute naps and really demanding in between. Dh will take her downstairs on a weekend morning but within half an hour she will be screaming.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:59

at weekend he should take kids,give you break
some uninterrupted time to yourself
that's the conversation to have

trackies · 07/06/2013 21:59

Does that mean you get woken up with the screaming on sat morning ? ear plugs any good for you ? i have to wear some cos DH snores and i was getting the hump cos i get woken up by kids and snoring and was really cranky from lack of sleep every night.
Teething is a pain isn't it. DD had awful time with it. DS didn't even notice teeth !

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 22:00

Shit,it's really not easy at the moment for you glam71.
A teething baby,a sick child and another child who no doubt wants a fair share of the attention.
You have MIL visiting tomorrow,a whole stack of washing and an unsympathetic DP who wants his dinner on the table.

No wonder you're feeling a bit under supported.

I really hope you can get DP to help a bit when things are tough like this.

Tortington · 07/06/2013 22:00

if dh said that i had to have the house pristine when my twins were babies and i had a three year old - i would have told him to get fucked.

ditto - if he came home from work an expected a meal - i would have told him to get fucked

why dont you tell him to get fucked?

MissStrawberry · 07/06/2013 22:02

It doesn't sound like your husband sees you as an equal. He sounds like a dick tbh and you would have a lot less stress in your life if you kicked him out. He doesn't parent his kids. he doesn't clean his house. He doesn't cook any food. What does he do as bringing in money is not enough.