to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

[glam71]

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

Absolutely i have no problem getting up for baby. Also happy to deal with poorly twins but dealing with two crying children at the same time is no fun.

agree,something gives.if kid sick prioritise that
batch cook and freeze,or perfect the 15min pasta and sauce
and ask him why at weekends etc you're not getting time for yourself

If somebody woke me up to inform me that they couldn't sleep because of the birds at 3am in the morning I wouldn't hold myself responsible for my actions.

Scottishmum, I just don't think life is like that, you can't just apply rules. Do you have children?

lol,at advice to kick him out!
typical mn indignant froth
all yo sista!you kick 'im to kerb rhetoric that sound good on Kyle or mn

Tbf he does do some cooking at weekends . During the week i cook for me and dc. He generally eats at work. Also does gardening and occasional diy but thats about it. I do virtually all the childcare including weekends and laundry etc and general housework. His mugs rarely even find their way into kitchin.

Havnt read replies. I deal with night wakings but if one of dc's is sick then I wake dp (usually shouting from dc bedroom while carrying dc. o bathroom). Usually he deals with cleaning up our dc and doing cuddles while I clean up the bed ect. If baby needed attention too I wake him and give him the choice.

I am not reasonable by waking him up, not at all. The point is I nudge him and say "Ken, are you awake?" Knowing he isn't and obviously not called Ken but he isn't going to divorce me for it. We both work, I am senior to him not that it makes a difference

why do you. facilitate this all encompassing domestic slave..and the complain
as I said non work Time he needs to support you,get busy and hand on
for as long as you run around washing up,doing it all what will change?

I dont think its fair to simply say bringing in money is not enough,it sounds like he has a demanding job and if hes literally not there a lot then what can he do,plus i dont think the weekends should be your time,he needs a break too,from work,you needa break from the demands of being a sahm,so the easiest way to do that is to work together.

I think on this occasion where two kids were crying at the same time he should of helped,my dh would of,and actually does,i have 4 under 6 and another due at christmas and the older two occasonally still wake and he deals with them,i deal with the younger two.

saying that,although he works hard he doesnt have very early mornings and long commutes and long days etc that your dh does so im not sure it would be like that if he did.

dont worry about what anyone else thinks of your set up,whtether its too traditional or whether he should or shouldnt be doing something,find what works best for all of you.I have recently had to have a sit down with my dh and really talk about what jobs we will both do abd what childcare we will take car of,as we both felt we were doing too much,now we have a system in place where we both know who does what and when,its much better.i still do most as im here most but when hes here its 50/50.

I do hope op doesn't take on board advice ESP the leave him

OP I have personal experience of your circumstances and am also torn by DH sleeping and have found that he is disturbed by sick or waking children but I have only ever demanded help when it has become difficult eg I feel unable to cope or really need another pair of hands for the sake of the children. While his staying out of it (asleep or trying to sleep) can make me very very cross and upset I have to bring up the memory of him driving to work and then doing a job where others around him have no idea of what we as a family might have had to cope with. I say bring up the memory of him driving to work as I have done his journey a few times (long story) and not as early as he does it and before we are even half way there I really wonder how on earth he manages it every day never mind putting in a full days work and doing the return drive back home. It's really difficult but I have learnt over the years to accept that he really does need to try and sleep.

If you meant me SM I am neither indignant nor frothy.

oh on the contrary
advising op leave her husband,kick him out
is indeed frothy and indignant

Sees to me the OP has made a rod for her own back maybe without realising it. She has gone along with the "do it all" martyr approach and the DH is used to it and has come to expect it. With DC3 arriving it might be time to point out that the workload has become unreasonable.

If the Dh is out working all hours maybe he earns enough to support a cleaner if he thinks the house needs to be pristine. Otherwise I suggest the OP just lets the cleanliness standards slide and stops cooking all his meals - when the DH complains she just has to say she was too busy and calmly state that she wasn't feeling up to it after running around after baby and having less than 5 hours sleep for 8 months. He might not like it at first but gradually attitudes might change.

In that situation I would have woken him.

I deal with nighttime issues but if there is something out of the ordinary that would be easier with dh helping I wake him.

Things like dc being sick, needing to change all the bedding, needing to administer calpol, needing to find and change dc into new set of pjs etc, I wake him because with his help I get the job done quicker and we can ALL go back to sleep sooner.

Also if dc is taking an unusal long time to settle I will wake dh as often it only takes him a couple of minutes to settle dc (don't know why) and we can all go back to sleep.

Dh is fine with this although sometimes I think he is still half asleep when he is helping, half his luck

I've said it before but now the op has said her husband would agree to help out begrudgingly I will repeat.

Basically I am at a loss how you can begrudge waking up to care after a sick child, I mean YOUR sick child. I'm not being funny but if I was told my kids were vomiting through the night and I'd slept through, my instant reaction would be shock and then guilt that I'd not been awake to attend. The last thing I'd be thinking would be, 'oh bollocks I'd rather get some kip'.

Scottishmummy I get where you're coming from but surely one night is not too much to ask?

I think the lines become blurred between SAHM and SAHDS stay at home domestic servant.
A SAHM is surely there to look after the kids especially if there are a lot if them under 5. This clearly involves some domestic chores but why a SAHM suddenly becomes responsible for another adults dietary requirements, clothing and cleans h needs is bizarre.
Many people work full time and see to their own dinner,washing, shopping and cleaning, just because you have a partner doesn't render a person unable to do these things.

task allocation 2people working ft isn't comparable to 1worker and housewife
if one doesn't work,then yes I think should prepare food. at home all day after all
the exchange is one works,the other at home undertake childcare and domestic stuff

scottishmummy I find the god like status you award to the person in paid employment quite astonishing.
I can easily see how such expectations of the SAHP would cause huge resentments.

I defer to no one and have no religious affectations
however if one chose to not work,be housewife then yes they do the domestic stuff
the worker has the responsibility of earning. both the adults have their defined roles

I would most certainly expect DH to help with older child regardless of his work hours. Being a SAHM doesn't give you four arms!!!!!

Scottishmummy fuck off you smug cow.

Surely defined by themselves within their own situation though,not defined by you,me,or anyone else.
We also do not know in which situations one adult has chosen not to be in paid employment.

most certainly a parent should help,but if you're not working its your call
weekend,holiday,time off yes both pile in
if couples chose a traditional man work,woman housewife expect to enact those roles inc the. domestics and childcare