To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?
Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 13:51
H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).
Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.
He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).
He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.
Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.
He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.
Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.
Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.
So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?
Am I missing something?
I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?
Lottapianos · 04/06/2013 13:57
OP, I am so very sorry to hear this. You have been incredibly brave by phoning the police. You're also showing real strength of character by putting your needs and your DD's needs above those of your husband's. It sounds like you've been bending over backwards to accommodate his 'social life' for a long time now and it's high time you put your own safety first.
It never ceases to amaze me how people can gloss over something like a serious physical assault. Those people whoever they are need to keep their opinions to themselves. You are absolutely right - what he did to you was criminal, dangerous and utterly disgusting. I hope you are physically ok.
If at all possible, stay away from the people who think that your safety is worth nothing and rely on people who are supporting you. Trust yourself - you have absolutely done the right thing in this situation so far.
This is 100% your decision but as a domestic violence survivor myself, my honest opinion is that you should not drop the charges. I'm holding your hand if you want me to
ClaraOswald · 04/06/2013 13:58
YANBU to prosecute.
It sounds that you have made all the sacrifices and unfortunately this has resulted in your needs being disregarded, but it does appear that you have allowed it to happen, a little bit.
I do not mean the assault at all- I think he has been allowed to get away with lots of incidental things which has led to his and other people's belief that you should just sit back and take it and more importantly that he should be allowed to do so.
Dahlen · 04/06/2013 13:59
No, you shouldn't drop the charges. Far too many people excuse violence in the context of a relationship as somehow lesser than assaulting a stranger in the street, whereas it's actually worse coming from someone supposed to love you and protect your best interests.
Contrary to popular belief, pressing charges is especially important if you want to try to work past this and continue the relationship, since it makes a very clear zero-tolerance statement.
I rather suspect, however, that there are other non-violent forms of abusive behaviour going on and that you'd be better off without him.
LunaticFringe · 04/06/2013 14:00
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Montybojangles · 04/06/2013 14:02
If you found out he had done it to a stranger you would expect him to be prosecuted wouldn't you? Just because he's married to you is rather besides the point. He assaulted you, causing harm. Maybe it is time he learned the reality of the consequences of his actions.
Is there a reason you are still a couple? Sorry, but I don't see him bringing much into your relationship from your descriptions above. Hopefully this might be his wake up call.
Hope you are ok op.
Remotecontrolduck · 04/06/2013 14:02
What is wrong with your family? He kicked you in the chest, that doesn't deserve a criminal record?!
He deserves everything he gets and the only way to make these society understand domestic violence is not acceptable is to come down on perpetrators hard. By dropping the charges all you're doing is letting him know he can get away with whatever he wants.
Hope you're ok now
NotALondoner · 04/06/2013 14:02
It would be awful for him to have a criminal record.
It would be awful for me to have a criminal record and that is why I don't go around kicking people in the chest.
Please do not drop the charges and think carefully about your relationship with the 'close family members'.
Badgerwife · 04/06/2013 14:03
Nope, you did the right thing. Anyone telling you otherwise is being blinded by the fact that he's a close family member.
Good luck to you. I hope you're doing ok, you sound like you've got it under control but it's a terrible thing that's happen to you, do take care of yourself x
Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 14:03
I thought I was going mad.
I really appreciate your support. I am physically OK ish (bit bruised and my ribs are still pretty sore).
I have to get a million days worth of work done this afternoon so I am going to run off now but I just needed a sanity check as I couldn't think straight.
I will post more later in response to the points some of you have raised and thank you again
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/06/2013 14:03
Why shouldn't he face the consequences of his actions?
Is he too special to have to?
Or are they saying that a husband has the right to assault his wife? That it's not like a proper assault cos it was only you?
Screw that. If he didn't want a criminal record he had the choice to not behave criminally.
Whose fault will it be? HIS!!
trackies · 04/06/2013 14:03
YANBU. Lots of women don't report it then it gets worse. He shouldn't have done it, and it's his fault if he gets a criminal record. He should have gone to counselling with you before it came to this. So sorry to hear that you've been subjected to this and hope you are ok.
Lottapianos · 04/06/2013 14:03
'I rather suspect, however, that there are other non-violent forms of abusive behaviour going on and that you'd be better off without him'
Agree. It certainly sounds like he's been taking advantage of your good nature to carry on the same social life he had before your DD came along. I wonder when was the last time you had a good night out OP. He sounds very selfish and unsupportive. And now violent You do not need someone like that in your life.
OTTMummA · 04/06/2013 14:04
I would drop those close family members like hot shit as well tbh.
They are basically saying that what he did to you was ok, that it was nothing to get upset about.
They think you are worth so little that it is ok to be kicked about.
Ask them if it would be ok for you to take out your anger on them with your foot because clearly they think is a forgivable action.
Please do not give in to any pressure from him or 'them' you and your daughter deserve much, much better than that.
kim147 · 04/06/2013 14:07
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
treaclesoda · 04/06/2013 14:09
YANBU. If he doesn't want a criminal record then he shouldn't carry out criminal behaviour. I'm so sad that in this day and age there are still people who can somehow think that it is less criminal for a man to kick his wife in the chest than it would be for him to kick a complete stranger.
Please don't give in to the pressure. I suspect he has been playing the sympathy card to other people, and turning it round to make it look like he is the victim.
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