To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

Op I'm guessing your in the uk.

Him having a criminal record will not cause you any detriment during a divorce if anything it will help you as will him being currently on bail should you start proceedings before the criminal hearing.

In the uk we only have 5 grounds for divorce the one that it will help is unreasonable behaviour DV with physical violence is a good enough reason even if the physical violence happens once, so no need for you to bulk out your examples he would be hard pushed to challenge this with either a pending hearing and your knowledge that he admitted it to the police or a conviction.
So that document is easier for you to do with your solisiter

If he has asked encouraged or incited anyone to contact you on his behalf for any reason ( other than a professional legal practitioner acting on his behalf for a genuine legal reason like divorce NOT anything to do with current criminal proceedings as they can not do that) it is a breach of his bail conditions if they are asking you to alter anything to do with the criminal charges then it is even more serious he can be arrested.

Having a DV related conviction can make child contact differcult for the person with the conviction as the children's act now has to consider the impact of this on children so any issues with this and it will help if you also tell your solisiter about any other types of domestic abuse such as threats emotional abuse and his lack of interest in the dc that said it often does not consider it much unless you are quite switched on but you sound like you are.

From a maintainance perspective as he's self employed do not expect that aspect to be easy loads of SE nrp's especially abusive twats think nothing of doing everything they can to reduce liability ( from the poxy 15% you get for one child) and its quite easy to do. A quick call to the csa can start the ball rolling and his bail conditions do not prohibit you from doing this.

When his hearing has finished compleatly he will leave court with you having no legal protection that keeps him away from you however these days the cps can be asked to obtain a protection order on your behalf as part of the criminal proceedings. If you have not yet done a victim impact statement (that's different to your actual police statement but is taken by the police) its a jolly good idea to do one and at the end of it actually make this request also tell the police that you would like it documented in the file they send the cps that you would like them to consider it.

If for what ever reason they do not request one or do not get one then you in your own right can request one but you do it as a civil matter not criminal you can request one as an emergency without notice to him or as a none emergency with him being notified you can have a power of arrest attached to this if you ask for it so if he breaches it he will be arrested. For any very important civil legal matters unless you are very very confident and able to take in info very quickly and he is unlikely to challenge it,its quite advisable to obtain support from a legal firm most areas have firms who specialise in DV so when your looking at ads look for this as well as ones who state they do family law. But obviously whilst you are protected by the bail conditions its not hugely urgent as with regard to all the criminal stuff the cps is your voice so other than following there requests to do things like turn up at court you do not need to do anything else so no need to obtain advice regarding that aspect its just the divorce and related matters.

Oh and you will also recive a letter from social services do not panic about this it is standard the police are legally obliged to notify ss with regard to DV reports if children are in the house or there is evidence of a child normally being there.

In a one off report of violence with no history it would be unlikely for it to be anything other than just a letter saying we have been informed of xyz on such and such date on this occasion we are taking no further action but if you need us for anything please call. Some areas may send someone to see you but again don't panic its routine and done to offer support if you need it.it would be highly unusual for a woman who is as determind as you to have nothing to do with an abuser who takes every legal step possible to protect herself from him does nothing to encourage him to contact her and is very open about not having him back and has no history of breaking up getting back x however many to have anything other than a quick check.

Woman's aid can be a great support even if you just want to ramble to them and another vote for telling your mother to fuck the fuck off.

What a marvellous woman you are! Well fucking done op!
I'm pretty certain you will have a long and happy life now. Good luck.

No don't drop the charges. Why should you? Only because he is known to you and it happened in your house? Would you drop them if you were a stranger? No!
Your safety and security and that of your child is in your hands. A person who behaves like this deserves a charge and no second chances!!

Don't drop the charges.
If the situation was:
A neighbour banged on your door very aggressively at 3am. You told them off. They kicked you in the chest and abused you.
Would that relative advise you to drop the charges? Thought not!

Stick to your guns. It is probably the wake up call your husband needs. It may sound bonkers now, but it might do him some good/improve relations between you.

Just wanted to add another voice to the 'you are fucking awesome' camp. You are so far from BU it is unreal. I am really so very sorry you have been put in this position, but I am so impressed by your resolve to do the right thing by yourself and your little girl.

Oh, wow! I've just read this amazing thread and have joined your fanclub, Gin! I'm really sorry your prince turned out to be a toad. But DD was the outcome (and the sore chest) so not a complete waste of time. It's bloody brilliant that you're already feeling the benefits of life free from confidence-knocking and wife-kicking, and you're clearly well supported. I feel sure you're heading for a glorious future!

YY to what everyone said about calling on support (not from your mother or ex-friends who wanted your ribs broken) if you wibble a bit later on.

I'm actually both applauding and crying!! You are incredible, OP!! Absolutely all the best in leaving this bastard and getting on with a better life for you and your DD.

"They are seeing a potential future that does not exist. The opposite of divorce is not happy ever after; it's spending the rest of my life in fear and misery, and inflicting this on DD"

^this^ Gin you have such insight and clarity, during an awful situation where most other people would be in pieces and not capable of coherent thought.

I cried reading this, your posts show what an amazing, strong woman you are. Your DD is lucky to have such a fantastic role model. Stay strong and best of luck

Don't drop the charges, that's giving him permission to do it again.

Violent crime is still that when it's a relative.

If you have ANY doubt about this and think about dropping it, think 'what if it had been dd?'

Stay strong!

As for relatives telling you he'll have a criminal record, he's your husband etc, ask them to name another man, or woman, who they feel has the right to violently assault you and why they feel that someone has that right. STBX is the one man on this planet whose responsibility it is make his DD feel safe and secure as she grows up. Violently attacking her mother will make her feel fear. You could also ask them why they feel that is justifiable.

Well done for reporting him and standing your ground, by doing that you have improved your DDs future immensely.

You're amazing Gin, I'm so impressed by your strength and clear sightedness. Your dd is lucky to have you.

Well done Ginshizz

Isn't up to the CPS to prosecute. Even if you wanted to drop the charges you can't. An assault occured and it is the duty of the CPS to finish the charge against your partner. So stop worrying about other ill informed people's opinions as it is out of your hands

A grown man drinking to the point he sometimes can't care for his daughter the next day and kicks his wife in the stomach. Bigger problems here than this incident alone.

You must press charges.

The most important family member for you to consider, which you are rightly doing, is your DD. and you are sending her the right message. Zero tolerance to bullying and violence.

You're a brilliant, strong, wise woman.

Bloody well done.

PomPom waving here for you.

Can I just add something to my previous post for your 'wobble drawer'?

My Uncle came from a family where his mum was beaten. He beat my aunt. Their daughter (who saw this as normal) has had a child with a man who beats her. She has a daughter now for whom DV is 'normal'.

The cycle has to be broken somewhere, don't let it start

Well done OP, agree with every poster above that you have done the right thing. It's so ingrained in us to just accept this kind of shit for the sake of everyone else and never mind how we feel.

So glad you are not financially dependant on him either, so many women feel stuck because of that reason alone.

Well done Ginshizz, another MNer joining your fan club.

You are a wonderfully strong woman. Well done for protecting yourself, your daughter and maybe other women.

Ginshizz - you are brilliant

Wow OP, you are fantastic.

It's out of your hands now, so no amount of emotional blackmail from close relatives will do him a lick of good.

The CPS can prosecute him with or without your consent. Likewise your DD can be removed from your care if the authorities become aware that a violent drunk resides at the same address as a year old baby, and that there is no adult willing to protect her. You ARE that protective adult! (Not trying to scare you, just to explain that the world at large doesn't see his behavior as trivial in the slightest).

A good parent puts their child first & that's 100% what you are doing, your hubby is solely responsible for his own choices in this area. As adults we can ONLY take full responsibility for our OWN actions.

Your hubby needs to take full ownership of his own role in this mess and accept both any consequences that might arise as a result of his actions. If that means a criminal record so be it.

My suggestion to any man of my acquaintance that found himself in your husbands shoes would be as follows:-

That he might help his own case by signing up for professional help with his alcohol abuse and anger management. That isn't something you can do FOR him, he has to want to do it for himself. He could also take a parenting course at a local children's centre to help him understand the potential impact of his behavior to date on his child and ways to work through that and become the father she deserves.

The last thing I'd be doing is trying to emotionally blackmail his victim - what if next time your are holding the baby?

Stick to your guns hun, and good luck!

Great post, boc