To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

He's an absolute fucking bastard and totally deserves a criminal record and the book throwing at him.

BUT completely thinking of you and your children and the financial support you are going to get off him in the future: Is this going to affect the amount of money you get? If it's going to mean he loses his job and can't get another one and therefore you get no money off him I would think twice. But I'm saying this totally for your sake financially rather than him for his career.

YADDDDDNBU!!!

Hope you are ok

most importantly you are teaching your child that no-one gets away with hitting another person

stay strong.

Absolutely press charges. Also not sure if this has been covered up thread but I think you should get checked out by a doctor/have an x-ray. The kick may have caused problems you aren't aware of.

He could have deprived your DD of her mother growing up!

Get angry, get rid of the pointless family member apologists!

I just had to add my voice to the masses. YANBU, not even slightly. A criminal record will be the result of his actions, not a result of yours. Not your fault, or your doing in any way shape or form. You are simply protecting yourself and your daughter from someone who sees fit to kick you! He chose to get that drunk, and he chose to attack you. You're bruised and shaken, but it could have been so much worse.

It sounds like these family members are potentially embarassed by the situation, and instead of supporting you (as they bloody well should be!) they are pushing you to sweep it all under the rug. Disgusting behaviour from them.

You break the law you get prosecuted. I cannot think of a single reason why anyone should ever have charges against them dropped for breaking the law.

I always say what would you do if a stranger did this to you? Because to do this to someone you supposedly live is a million times worse IMO and deserves the severest punishment possible.

Sorry supposedly love.

I'd pack his bags for him whist he was out too and tell him if he wants to keep on acting like a single man you are giving him the opportunity to carry on but if he wants to stop acting like a 23 year old without any responsibilities then he can stay.

Actually no he wouldn't get a second chance. He would be out!

What is it with people.

If you are in the uk it is not you who brings charges against the offender it is the crown. With domestic violence related attacks you cannot even request they do not prosecute once the police have been called that's that the cps decides how to continue.

In order to get anything dropped you would have to say you lied and even then if they can prove you told the truth they would still go ahead and quite bloody right to because it stops people who have been attacked by someone who claims to love them from being bullied into dropping anything by either that bully or by anybody else who also claims to love them.

Yep op these people asking you to do this are A. Stupid and have no understanding of how it works and B. love you so much they think its ok for you to be kicked by your husband.

Good for you!

Tell the rest of them either
(A) if he didn't want a criminal record he shouldn't have committed a criminal act

Or my preference (b)

Fuck off

YA definitely NBU.

Oh and fwiw if a family member of mine did this to their wife ( even if I didn't like her) I would be making it perfectly clear to him how low I thought it was I would never forgive them. If they were a family member who I fund or who I have left any money to they would not get it I would give it to there wife.

And I would do absolutely everything I could do to support her throughout the process and after.

Domestic abuse should never go unchallenged should never be supported and people who do it deserve more punishment than the courts are ever likely to give them.

A close friend of mine was a state attorney in Baltimore (so don't know if this happens in all US states) he told me that when "domestics" were reported they were always prosecuted and not allowed to be dropped even when they were asked to drop it.
He said that this was the law to prevent any family or partner pressure on the victim.

Out of interest, the 'family members' YOUR side of the family? Mother? Sister? Father?

Attitudes like this are what put you in the path of a violent man in the first place.

Tell them to FTFO off too if they can't support you.

People like that are better out of our lives, and away from our dc. They're worse than the offender imo, as they are calm, rational and not off their faces but STILL advocate you getting a kicking.

I am overwhelmed by all your responses and support- a huge, heartfelt thank you.

I'm sorry I can't respond to everyone but I have two hours to do about eight hours work so I'd best crack on asap but I wanted to reply to some of the points raised / asked.

It is mainly my mother asking me to drop the charges - she has issues so I suppose I should have seen that coming really. His family are also obviously trying to persuade me to drop the charges. But also some of H's friends. I have just had one on the phone saying "It wasn't that bad, it's not like he broke a rib or anything."

I had no idea I couldn't drop charges (not that I wanted to anyway) - I am in two minds as to whether to tell this to people or just stick to FTFO (my preferred option).

I think I was lucky. Had he been slightly less drunk and better coordinated, I think it would have been worse.

I am going to LTB and I am going to talk to solicitors tomorrow. My main reasons are:

• HE FUCKING KICKED ME
• It is not OK to kick people
• I will never trust him not to do it again
• I know that DV escalates; and as one of the posters said, what if he had kicked my head? Or punctured a lung? What will he do next time? Kick me down the stairs? Emphasise his argument with a knife?
• I would have bet my life on the fact that he would not ever be violent to me; the fact that he has been shows he is not the man I fell in love with
• What if he hurts DD? Intentionally or just because I happen to be holding her next time I do something to annoy him
• I refuse to walk on eggshells scared of what might happen if I disagree with him
• I do not want DD growing up thinking violence is acceptable so I have to lead by example
• And did I mention HE FUCKING KICKED ME?

pls excuse appalling language...

He is self-employed so he will not lose his job; also, I am not financially dependent on him (I earn approx. 5x his salary working just two days a week) so I no longer give a flying fuck if he does lose his job.

I had not considered the impact of him having a criminal record on us divorcing - if anyone has any info / views on this then please do tell me. We own a house together, that's our main asset; he put down a lot more deposit (an inheritance) so I'm guessing we're going to end up selling and splitting the proceeds, which is fine.

He is currently not allowed near us or the house otherwise he is in breach of bail and can I just say that now, the evening of my third day of being a single parent I have:

• been up at crazy o'clock to fit work in before DD woke up
• spent the whole day having a marvellous time with my gorgeous little girl
• never worked so hard in my life to fit work / housework around her naps
• taken the dog out three times so he doesn't miss out
• and now I have just settled down to do a couple of more hours work

I have never been so tired in my life! But, and this makes me realise how crappily he has treated me: the past three days have been the longest stretch I can remember when I haven't been made to (or allowed someone to make me) feel shit about myself.

He can't have any contact with us until the hearing and I feel that every day I get by without him, I am writing out our lives.

Oh I really have to get back to my work but thank you all sooooo much; I have very few people in RL I can talk to about this at the moment and I appreciate your sanity and support.

Thank you thank you thank you again

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

You are doing amazingly well, but do try to factor in some time just to relax.

Welcome to a new, amazing life.

You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter. Big hugs x x assault is assault, you husbands friends and family are idiots. X

'It wasn't that bad, it's not like he broke a rib or anything." Thank goodness that since this came from a friend of his you can cut them out of your life.

Your mother should be ashamed of herself and is letting you down big time. I would say that to her straight if she tries to talk you round again.

It is so refreshing to see someone refuse to be a victim, I applaud you! Hope you get some rest and your bruises heal quickly.

Do you have any childcare available? You sound like you are running on adrenaline and might benefit from a bit of a break.

I agree with every single letter you have written.

I knew it'd be your Mum. Ignore her. She's part of the reason you got targeted by someone who kicks their partner.

Btw, kicking is a special kind of assault. It shows true hatred, disdain and contempt of you. It's way worse than any other form of assault, so I believe.

My ex used to kick.
For now you are safe, protected by the law/bail etc. You are angry, motivated, scared, determined, resigned, hurt. There is a lot of momentum in adrenaline.

Allow it to carry you through, but bear in mind that the adrenaline does peter out a bit, and about 6m time, it might be a struggle, you may falter.

This is normal, totally to be expected. Know this and don't allow it to weaken the resolve you have.

Read what you have written here, come talk to us and let us know if you wobble. Many of us do, it's hard work recovering from the shock of realising you're a victim of domestic abuse.

Well done, you're doing the right thing.

Things will calm down workwise after the middle of next week - I am just having to pack in a lot of work to which I committed when I thought H would be looking after DD at the weekend and most of this week.

As of next Friday, I will just be working two days a week. SIL (my DB's wife; not H's sis) will be able to help out on this Fri, Sat and Sun so that gives me a bit of a break too. She is also taking DD for a couple of days next week when I will actually be in the office.

I am definitely living off coffee at the moment but I've done longer stints at this pace and I am an obstinate old mare so I am sure I can make it through until then.

It is also making me focus on something else so I don't get too caught up in being furious.

Blimey OP - well done!
You should be really proud of yourself.

I wish you and your DD all the luck in the future.

YADNBU - and for people to ring you up and say its not like he broke a rib should be told to wind their necks in and fuck the funk off to fuckville.

A kick to the chest can interrupt the electrical activity of the heart. It can stop it. He's bloody lucky he didn't kill you with that one kick. It's fab to see you're getting rid and refusing to be the victim. You know that you're worth more, are doing better without and are having great days with LO. Well done you - and hope your bruises heal soon