To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

[laeiou]

I've been reading from the start. I hope you're feeling good and looking after yourself. You've been so decisive, what a great example.

[Jengnr]

Conditions for YOU???? What conditions?

'Don't piss me off or I'll leather you?'

What.

A.

Twat.

[pudtat]

Just wanted to add that I remain impressed at your cool headed ness and think you are doing an amazing job of making the best of this awful situation for you and dd. you go girl!

[Hissy]

Ahhhhh! I can relax now, you've seen him for what he is, and he's a stranger to you!

That's the best place to keep him.

Keep going, don't drop the charges. Don't give up, see it all through.

[GlaikitFizzog]

Wow, gin I've only just found your thread and read it all (joys of an early waking 2yo!)

You have been calm collected and decisive in all of this. Not only for dd but as an inspiration to other women on here who may relate to your situation. Do not doubt your strength and resolve.

As for your stbxh, "undiagnosed mental health problems" I have MH issues, I have never gotten pissed then kicked someone I am meant to love in the chest then tried to make it out its their fault. Twuntery, the last time I checked was not a MH issue!

Do you have to be there during his access? Can you use a contact centre for supervised access?

And dump your parents, no good or benefit will come of you keeping in touch. :o

[AllOverIt]

Urgh. There are no words. What an utter arsehole!

[vintagecakeisstillnice]

Conditions for you?

Conditions for you????

CONDITIONS FOR YOU?????????

CONDITIONS FOR YOU?????????

Really?

What a total and utter wankbadger.

[LouiseSmith]

First a kick, then what.

You are 100% right, press charges.

xx

[pinkballetflats]

Snort at the conditions being on you if you want to get back him (more laughter in my head) Glad her continuing to display complete dickish behaviour and that it's pushing you further away; you and DD deserve so much better.

[pigletmania]

He still think you might get back together, how deluded is he! No divorce is the best option and the courts can sort access

[Wuldric]

Good luck OP. You do realise that this path will get harder? I'm sure it's the right path but you're buoyed by indignation and hurt and anger right now. Keep this thread for the doubtful moments. You're doing the right thing :)

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

How must his brain work to come up with conditions for you to fulfill ! Unbelievable!
He really must be deluded. You have had a lucky escape.

Very sad for you to realise that you have no love left for the man you married, but he's obviously not the man you thought he was when you married him. But that will make the situation less painful for you to deal with.

Lots of luck to you and shizzlette you're fab

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

So he attacked you, but he has conditions in his head for you to meet for you to get back together? Do they include 'must never complain again about me assaulting you'? Words fail me. You are SO right to get out of this, no matter what any of the idiots in your life say about it. Keep your chin up. Life will improve.

[captainmummy]

Gin - so you have to change if you want to hold on to him, for your marriage to survive? Quite rightly, you can tell him where to shove it, and that, neatly, makes it your fault the marriage has broken down.

Not because he is a violent abusive wife-beating drunk, oh no. It's because you wouldn't go to couples counselling. And because you wouldn't agree to certain conditions (stand still while he kicks you, maybe? And anyway, couples couselling is not recommended for couples where there is violence or other abuse in the relationship)

It's still therefore your fault and he can tell everyone that.

[Ginshizz]

Thank you all, I really mean it when I say you have all made so much of a difference to this horrendous situation.

Will keep you posted on how we are doing

Xxx

[MarinaIvy]

And now I've read the rest. Still YANBU.

But you are BVVVA (Amazing).

Can't believe Twunt has access. Can totally believe he's still the same ol' same ol'.

Totally amazed by point 5 in your most recent post. Proud of you, but still amazed.

"undiagnosed MH problems" - words fail me.

Every idiot comment you've posted has made me want to slap them on your behalf. Metaphorically speaking of course. The one about the wedding!!! But that speaks of Bridezilla issues as much as anything.

I work in Central London as well - if you want to get a coffee or lunch, let me know.

Hugs

[ShellyBoobs]

You are amazing Gin. Your DD will grow up to realise what a wonderful mum she has.

I don't know about the SF bit (I love CA myself, too, and could very happily live there) as I'm sure it wouldn't be simple to take your DD away from your STBX. What a lovely adventure it would be though...

[CalamityJ]

Sounds like that meeting with him erased any doubt your so called friends have been raising about him. I love the idea that you're the one that needs to change if you're to get back with him. He's hardly catch of the century the way you've described him! One kick is one too many and anyone who says otherwise doesn't appreciate it's the start of a slippery slope and once you've 'let him get away with it' once he'll think it's OK to do it again/justify it to himself. Can't believe there are so many so called friends who are also happy to justify it. Keep us updated as I'm so pleased at how strong you're being.

[MarinaIvy]

OMGs, YANBU. Haven't read all 15 pages, but everything from OP screams at me.

He refused counselling.

You've had in place provisions for "if he gets too drunk" - this can't be a surprise to either of you that he might.

This seems to happen a lot (OK, maybe not the actual assault).

I see this was started a few weeks ago, so hop it's moved on, in a positive way...

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense?"
Perfect sense. It will make the future much easier too, regrets will be fewer and for different things. Good luck Gin.

[redexpat]

While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense? Makes perfect sense, know exactly what you mean. You really are the most incredible woman. x

[therewearethen]

I've been lurking on your thread gin, just wanted to say your so strong in your decision, and I admire that. Good luck in whatever the future holds x

[Ginshizz]

Hello lovely people,

Wow, well I most certainly ABU for not posting sooner! Very very hectic and lots to tell you.

In short: STBX's bail conditions were changed so that he could see DD which was actually OK. Some key points to the interaction between us during the few days he has seen her:

1. He has not apologised.
   
2. I told him, out of respect for the time we have spent together, that I have filed for divorce; I did not want him finding out through a letter from my solicitor, this seems harsh and is not really how I want to do things. He suggested waiting so we could try couples counselling and talk about a few conditions of us getting back together. I, momentarily, thought this might make sense until I realised the conditions he was talking about were conditions FOR ME. That's right: CONDITIONS FOR ME.
   
3. I reiterated my conviction that divorce is the best option for us. FFS.
   
4. He briefly spoke about having realised he had undiagnosed MH issues; again, this made me think maybe he could get the right kind of help and be less of an arse. Oh, but no, because then he changed his mind and thinks it was all a case of bad timing. I'm not exactly sure exactly what he thinks was bad timing - maybe it was bad timing that his kick caught me in the chest, not the head????
   
5. Seeing him made me realise there is no love left anywhere in me for him.
   

I feel much calmer in my decision. While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense?

Anyway, I am sorry I have to run but, yes, you've guessed it, I have some work to do!

Thank you all again for your support and I hope you have enjoyed the sunshine today

xxxxx

[vintagecakeisstillnice]

How are you doing Gin?

Hoping all still going well

[Gigaflops]

Gin - I've lurked since the beginning and I just had to say how very, very proud of you I am...

I was in a similar situation but XH had beaten me down so much emotionally, as well as physically, that it took him cutting DD's hair off "to teach me a lesson", for me to leave... I'll never forgive myself for putting her in danger - you have TOTALLY done the right thing.

Two years on and DD and I are so so happy - and FREE - free to eat what I want, drink what I want, buy what I want, do my hair any way I want - it's absolutely liberating! I wake up every morning so happy that today is not a walking-on-eggshells day... So cheers to you, you fabulous woman, and welcome to the Survivors Club...