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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

370 replies

Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 13:51

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

Thanks
OP posts:
Original poster
Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 21:16

Hissy - bloody good point about my crappy mother and the link to being with someone who kicked me.

And please, if any of you see me on here at any point asking if I should consider taking him back, PM me for my address and come round in person to berate me.

I hear what you are saying though and I am sure I will falter at some point. But the welfare of my little DD has to be my priority and I know he is a bad, draining influence

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 21:18

And again, a HUGE thank you.

When I get a minute, I am going to print all of this off and keep it for my rainy day / wobble drawer in case I feel any inclination to take him back

OP posts:
BeeMom · 04/06/2013 21:21

The no contact order includes through a third party - so unless it is the police, a social worker or solicitor, he cannot have any contact with you, NOR CAN HIS FAMILY/FRIENDS... especially since they have been trying to persuade you to withdraw the complaint.

You did not press the charges - the crown did. They are not yours to withdraw. The only way for you to have the charges withdrawn is to go on the stand and purjor yourself, at which time you could face a charge for criminal mischief. This (of course) is not something you need.

You need to be abused even less.

You are better than the treatment you have been subjected to.

You are worth more.

Right now, things are wild, but you will become accustomed to it all. It is just a matter of learning how to arrange your time within a new framework.

tootssweet · 04/06/2013 21:21

Good for you op - keep going for you & your beautiful dd

SybilRamkin · 04/06/2013 21:23

OP, bloody well done! All MNetters on here are so proud of you for having the courage to walk away and to ensure that he's charged with the consequences of his actions.

Enjoy your life without this piece of shit cluttering up your home! Flowers

McNewPants2013 · 04/06/2013 21:26

the next person who phones or text you about it, say you will be giving this information to the police which will make it worse on your STBXH

Boomba · 04/06/2013 21:29

I just wanted to say well done, and wish you strength.

An listen to Hissy re mothers....she 'counselled' me when my mother was undermining my resolve to leave abusive X (she wont emember, name changed, but I will always be grateful!)

Its really hard to accept that , sometimes our mums dont have our best interests a heart x

neontetra · 04/06/2013 21:30

Go you! The man is an utter fucking cock, to abuse his wife like this. Stay strong. Your dd is blessed in having a strong, amazing mother - what a role model you are, OP!

Peevish · 04/06/2013 21:31

Ginshizz, you are admirable. Best wishes from my heart.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 04/06/2013 21:34

Well done OP, you are doing exactly whats right for you and your dd violence is inexcusable. You are bring really brave.

foslady · 04/06/2013 21:35

Wow - I am so impressed with you OP, you are an amazing woman and mum. Keep tight hold on that strength

Original poster
Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 21:43

I am very touched by all your posts, thank you.

In a slightly rambling way, I think I've also just realised what's confused me about the suggestions that I forget it all happened - it's that people genuinely think if I don't make a fuss, we can be a loving and happy family.

But that can't happen now. They are seeing a potential future that does not exist. The opposite of divorce is not happy ever after; it's spending the rest of my life in fear and misery, and inflicting this on DD.

It's not like I am choosing to be a single mum and bring up DD without the support of her dad because I don't want to be part of a loving family unit. It's because there is no hope of us ever being a family unit. And that is thanks to STBXH.

Some people are morons.

Sorry for waffling...

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/06/2013 21:43

What a relief to see such swift justice on here. You've done so well. But OP, I'm dying to know what your job is!

Darkesteyes · 04/06/2013 21:47

Im sorry to hear this has happened OP I think i remember you posting on the night you were waiting up for him.
I too knew it would be your mum because mine is the same. Same attitudes and apologism.
People ringing you up and asking you to drop charges are tampering with a witness. It is illegal and i include your mum in this. I think they need a subtle reminder of this if they keep on at you. I too think you are an amazing woman and mum and a fantastic example to your DD

Hissy · 04/06/2013 21:48

Lovey, that's not waffling, that's pretty sound rationale there!

SoldeInvierno · 04/06/2013 21:49

Well done, OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hissy · 04/06/2013 21:50

Oh my mum was the same. It's very common in DV situations.

Which is another reason why WE have to stand up and get out of it, so our DC don't think they should tolerate it in their lives!

Darkesteyes · 04/06/2013 21:52

Its very worryingly common. Family image seems to be more important to them than anything else.

MikeOxard · 04/06/2013 21:52

That's not waffle, that is total sense. Well done you totally fabulous woman.

ScarletLady02 · 04/06/2013 21:58

I just wanted to say I think you're an amazingly strong woman and your DD is lucky to have you. Well done for getting yourself and her out of that life, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

MrsDeVere · 04/06/2013 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oftengrumpy · 04/06/2013 22:06

Ginshizz you are amazing - your DD is very lucky to have you. xx

stiffstink · 04/06/2013 22:09

You've summed it up perfectly when you ask what is the opposite of divorce.

Those questioning you should think if they'd want you to stay married to any man who kicked you, not just this particular man. They are thinking of him, not you.

Pozzled · 04/06/2013 22:20

Ginshizz I have just read the whole thread, and you are amazing. I am truly impressed by how strong you are being for your DD. Continue to ignore those idiots who think you can go back to playing happy families.

Strokethefurrywall · 04/06/2013 22:36

I rarely post in the relationships section but I just wanted to say that I read your OP and applauded loudly at my desk.

Your attitude is amazing and your daughter is very lucky to have you as a role model. You stbxh is scum under your boot and you're absolutely doing the best thing in pressing charges.

And yes, "fuck you" is the only appropriate response to anyone whole feels otherwise. Please keep us posted and let us know how you get on, we're always here for support x