To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

I just wanted to add my support, your a brave wonderful lady, who deserves so much more than your STBXH.

You are setting a fantastic example for your beautiful DD.

Massive hugs, you CAN do thus, stick to your guns be strong xxx

I am glad things are looking up. God what friends, they are utter twats, you don't need them

Stbxh is certainly showing his true colours, your well shot of him op

I can't believe the idiotic comments you're getting, especially from your mother.

Sounds like you're doing absolutely fine, and it can only get better from now on.

I'm really sorry but I can't help but laugh at your stbxh thinking that, considering he's up on a battery charge he's admitted to, getting angry and shouting at the woman looking after his bail case is going to get her to change her mind. Idiot!

You sound like you're coping fabulously. It's a shame you have to but you're an amazing, strong and brave woman.
Does STBXH just suffer from a lack of respect for women generally? I ask because I wonder whether he would have shouted if it was a man handling the bail conditions etc

Just wanted to add my best wishes to the general tide of positivity, you're doing amazing, don't falter! X

I cannot believe your parents managed to produce such an amazing daughter.

And if you were my mum I would be the proudest child ever. She is only little now but with a role model like you she will be a happy and contented little person and grow to be a well rounded "sorted" adult.

If you ever need a shoulder or ear - you can pm anytime.

Thank you so much everyone, I can not tell tell you how much your support is keeping me strong.

Interesting point about STBXH and his views of women - yes, I think he is pretty set in his views about what women should do / be like. His family is very traditional and he has not been able to move beyond their limited vision of gender roles. While he says he is happy that I earn more than him, I think he has always felt a latent resentment that I do ... Which is a shame because it is not a problem for me at all. I think the physical violence was his last ditch attempt to put me back in my box. This makes me sad because I respect the work that he does and I have always felt lucky that my job means I can look after DD and contribute financially to us as a family.

LJL and everyone else who has mentioned me being a good mum, thank you so much. I am doing my best to be the mum DD deserves, she is a super star and I will do everything I can to make sure she is never in the position I am in now. I know I can never guarantee this wont happen to her but I know for sure that by tolerating even a bit of physical intimidation, I would be making it more likely that she will too.

A good friend of mine came round this evening and we were talking about being a parent (she hasn't been able to have children); she has seen me devastated by various break ups and said she was amazed at how I have been holding things together. She spent a bit of time playing with DD and said she then understood how I could be so collected. Seriously, my DD rocks!

I have never considered myself to be a strong person but it is amazing how much strength I have found in wanting to do the best for her.

Also, I can not believe the timing of the Saatchi / Nigella incident; it made me realise how many people must be dealing with this. I heard someone on the radio who used to be abusive to his girlfriend and he said the problem with the Saatchi incident is that Nigella won't feel free to express herself or complain to Saatchi again unless he sorts things out. I thought this was such a good point - I can't be in a relationship where I don't feel free to say / do what I think is right.

Right, I am off to watch some iplayer and to have a glass of fizz.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you all again for your support, from me and my lovely little DD

Xxxxxxx

PS one of the things that I am finding hardest to deal with is not being able to text STBXH about random things from DD's day so I am going to tell you lot instead: DD and I went to the playground today and she had her first climb of a (very small) climbing frame, she loved it! She stood up on her own for about a minute (longest so far) and was so pleased that she managed to crawl to the top of the (mini) slide, turned around all by herself and went down the (mini) slide on her tummy. She slept for an hour afterwards!

Gin - you have definitely done the right thing. I don't want to hijack your thread with my story, but just want you to know that something very similar happened to me a few years ago. My ex spent years telling me I was useless before becoming violent: he tried to strangle me. I went to the Police and that was the first time I realised I was a victim of domestic violence - ridiculous, considering I'm a healthcare professional - but we are often blind to our own problems. My ex was also a selfish bastard of an alcoholic, but I think the main difference is that all of my family, our friends and even his family knew what he was like and supported me - that made one hell of a difference.

Our divorce was hell and I ended up losing everything (we didn't have children and the judge took his side). But I will never regret leaving him because I no longer have the stress of being worried what reaction I will get when he comes home - will I be yelled at? Will I be hit? I don't think i ever realised how stressful that was until the first evening I spent on my own knowing that he won't be home.

It is a tough life and lonely at times. Sometimes you will remember the person you married and feel sad. I still do after 6 years. But remember this: you are brave and strong and the best possible role model for your little girl. And you are not alone - there are lots of us out there and we know every emotion that you are going through because we have gone through it as well.

And, when you falter, think of this: if you hadn't left, he would have done it again and, as your DD got older, he would have done it to her.

Take care, stay strong, get rid of all the people (including family) who are questioning your decision and all my love xx

Been lurking and admiring the swiftness of your removing yourself and your dd from harms way.
Wrt to your part about missing someone to tell, you could start a memories book for dd. she can ask for things to go in as she gets older too, and photos. Then you can both look back at it with pleasure. Things about first swing on their own, sitting nicely in a cafe, funny things she said and did...

A KICK to the chest?! He could have killed you.

YANBU.

Suggest you sack the 'family' members who think this is acceptable behaviour, too.

Just found this thread. Wow Gin, you are amazing!! You are truly an inspiration to all victims of DV - and in fact all women and mothers. I'm so sorry you've had such little support from your parents. I can't imagine my mum defending my DH if he did this to me.

to you

I've been lurking too. Gin I wanted to add how amazingly strong I think you are.

Hi Gin, how are you and the little shizzlette today?

Hi all,

We had a lovely day today; shizlette had a blast - we went out to two different playgrounds and she was sooooo grown up, trying out her almost walking on a little bridge on a climbing frame. An older boy tried to get past and pushed her over ... she put her hand up for him to help her up and he did so she was very smiley and didn't mind a bit! She is really growing up and I think it won't be long before she is walking on her own rather than holding onto my hands.

A friend of mine came round this afternoon and commented on how happy DD is, immediately after which DD pounced on her, roared like a lion and bit her nose

I also loved the idea of a memory book; I am thinking I might do an online one so I can just upload things as we go.

My interesting news (well, interesting for me!) is that I have a bit of a plan. I won't act on this immediately in case it is an odd rebound thing but ... Before I met STBXH, I was poised to take a job in the states. And I wondered today how much fun it would be for DD to grow up in California. I have always always always wanted to work in San Francisco (well, I say always, I mean ever since I went there) and I figured I could give things a year to 18 months in London and then see what I could secure by way of a job out there.

I wanted STBXH to think about moving out there a while ago as his job is even more transferable than mine but he isn't that keen on living in a different country. Which is fine for him but, frankly, his family are all inbred tossers so I could never understand why he was so tied to the uk.

I know it would be relatively easy for me to get something as long as I am not too picky and I just have visions of DD and I escaping the crappy British weather and my crappy British family and hanging out on the beach watching seals and whales.

I have no clue about the logistics but as I say, I am not planning to do anything immediately so I have a while to see whether it is feasible or not. DB said he would love to have the DPets so I wouldn't feel like i would be abandoning them either.

Hmmmmm.

Anyway, I am going to sign off now as I have decided to treat myself to going to bed while it is still light (it's all rock and roll in the gin household tonight)!

Thank you all again for your thoughts and support. I have to admit I do get lonely but tbh, it's nothing like the loneliness of a crappy marriage.

Right, off to dream of San Fran and the sunshine. Have a lovely Saturday night everyone,

Xxxxxx

I'm not sure you could take your daughter out of the country without your STBXH's permission. You would need to get his parental rights revoked. This is something you need to take up with your legal representative. I wish you the very best for the future of you both.

Glad you and your dd had a great day.

I think its great for you to have a plan- and be positive about the massive change in your life and the opportunities now available

I really don't know anything about emigrating with dc, or taking a secondment for a couple of years - and not their father, but I know its been done.

you could try the legal boards or a specialist lawyer. It might be worth talking to someone so that legally things are done with that in mind as you separate.

Hi Gin

glad to read you're forging on - you're so strong!!

As for the emigration bit you won't be able to do it without his consent (is he likely to concede?) Given his attitude Im thinking he will take you to court over it. Leave to remove cases are getting harder and harder to win. You are going to have to have some very compelling evidence that removing your dd from the country is better for her than keeping her here. Family law week, Reunite, and Marilyn Stowe are good places to start looking for information on the ins and outs. You seem like a very sensible and level headed person but Im going to say it anyway: Apply before you fly! So many parents think its ok to just up and leave and then find themselves subject to harrowing and very costly Hague Convention proceedings....and if ex is nasty enough he voukd have you charged with kidnapping which wouldst look good in a then subsequent Children's Act residency case.

Anyway, hope that didn't sound all pompous and lecturish - I spent a couple of years in similar circumstances. Lawyer who specializes in these types of cases Will be able to tell you more.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

Very excited reading your plans for SF and then deflated when reminded of the legal issues, as you must be.
No where in Britain could compete with Californian sunshine but Brighton has the buzz and lots of gays!

A plan to look forward to is such a good idea though.

Gin - I've lurked since the beginning and I just had to say how very, very proud of you I am...

I was in a similar situation but XH had beaten me down so much emotionally, as well as physically, that it took him cutting DD's hair off "to teach me a lesson", for me to leave... I'll never forgive myself for putting her in danger - you have TOTALLY done the right thing.

Two years on and DD and I are so so happy - and FREE - free to eat what I want, drink what I want, buy what I want, do my hair any way I want - it's absolutely liberating! I wake up every morning so happy that today is not a walking-on-eggshells day... So cheers to you, you fabulous woman, and welcome to the Survivors Club...

How are you doing Gin?

Hoping all still going well

Hello lovely people,

Wow, well I most certainly ABU for not posting sooner! Very very hectic and lots to tell you.

In short: STBX's bail conditions were changed so that he could see DD which was actually OK. Some key points to the interaction between us during the few days he has seen her:

1. He has not apologised.
2. I told him, out of respect for the time we have spent together, that I have filed for divorce; I did not want him finding out through a letter from my solicitor, this seems harsh and is not really how I want to do things. He suggested waiting so we could try couples counselling and talk about a few conditions of us getting back together. I, momentarily, thought this might make sense until I realised the conditions he was talking about were conditions FOR ME. That's right: CONDITIONS FOR ME.
3. I reiterated my conviction that divorce is the best option for us. FFS.
4. He briefly spoke about having realised he had undiagnosed MH issues; again, this made me think maybe he could get the right kind of help and be less of an arse. Oh, but no, because then he changed his mind and thinks it was all a case of bad timing. I'm not exactly sure exactly what he thinks was bad timing - maybe it was bad timing that his kick caught me in the chest, not the head????
5. Seeing him made me realise there is no love left anywhere in me for him.

I feel much calmer in my decision. While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense?

Anyway, I am sorry I have to run but, yes, you've guessed it, I have some work to do!

Thank you all again for your support and I hope you have enjoyed the sunshine today

xxxxx

I've been lurking on your thread gin, just wanted to say your so strong in your decision, and I admire that. Good luck in whatever the future holds x

While I always knew in my head it was the right decision, I now feel it is right too, if that makes sense? Makes perfect sense, know exactly what you mean. You really are the most incredible woman. x