Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking nrp should dedicate their weekend to their children?

188 replies

LittleLisa78 · 02/06/2013 22:12

Have posted (ranted) about exH before. He sees our 5 year old every other weekend from Fri at 6 until 2 on Sunday. He has no midweek or holiday contact which is his choice. He has a new hobby which he needs to travel 1.5 hours away to do on a Saturday morning. DD can't take part but he says she'll 'really enjoy going along to watch.' It takes 2 hours then another 1.5 hours home so that's most of Saturday spent on DD watching/travelling to something he enjoys while she is bored stiff. AIBU in thinking that with the little time he has DD he could dedicate it to doing things with/for her? It's entirely possible to do the hobby whenever he likes, he has chosen sat mornings.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 04/06/2013 12:50

Yes and he pays for the girlfriends relative too! I don't badmouth him to DD though my tongue is almost bitten off but it's becoming increasingly apparent to DD that he's only interested in himself. Very sad.

OP posts:
Ilovemyself · 04/06/2013 13:08

He should make a sacrifice somewhere and get her skiing lessons.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 04/06/2013 13:12

He could easily afford it, he earns over 3 times what I do. But she'd still rather do the local activity which costs a fifth of the price

OP posts:
Boomba · 04/06/2013 13:19

What are you going to do OP?

clam · 04/06/2013 14:14

WHAAAAATT???!!!
He PAYS for the girlfriend's relative, but says he can't afford to pay for his own dd??!!!!

Words fail me. And that doesn't happen often!

Nagoo · 04/06/2013 14:20

I'd go there, watch her, and take her home.

Fuck what he wants. He's not responsible enough to have her.

LunaticFringe · 04/06/2013 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 04/06/2013 18:38

Look, just why are you allowing him to be in charge of this? Along with your other thread about his ridiculous notion of refusing to answer emails and only have verbal (frequently forgotten or muddled on his part) arrangements, the guy is clearly an idiot.
Stop worrying about what he thinks or might do and exert your own power as this little girl's main advocate. Put your foot down, stop these Saturday sessions and verbal arrangements and take charge. There's actually not much he can do about it.

Hissy · 04/06/2013 19:57

Sweetheart, are you familiar with the Stately Homes threads? For those suffering from events in their childhood?

Or the Emotional Abuse threads? Where posters go to try to heal and understand wtf happened to them at the hands of someone who has targeted their vulnerable self and further hurt and manipulated them?

Many of us that DO haunt these threads have had similar crappy shit handed down to us as a result of the frankly cruel treatment of a parent.

Your DD is 5, you can take charge of this situation and tell this wholly evil wanker that he can fucking ARM WRESTLE you for contact should he so desire, cos he won't have a snowballs chance in HELL of getting this kind of treatment past you again.

There is no agreement, so go and get your evidence next weekend, and then take your DD home. She doesn't have to be made to feel second class, unwanted, in the way or an add on.

(((hugs))) be strong, take the control back.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 05/06/2013 07:11

Clam. - he will take me to court because his parents will pay for him to do so. He could very likely be awarded more contact than he currently has where DD will be treated just as shoddily but I'd have to send her becauseits court ordered

OP posts:
Ilovemyself · 05/06/2013 07:26

Would the court really award him more access when he is effectively abandoning his child? I would make a list of dates and times he has left her unattended.

And then when he was off playing take her home and see how he feels then. He can't complain if he has left her on her own.

Or, if you really want to hit hard tell social services what he is up to and give them the evidence. They will either interview him with regards to that and scare the life out of him or they will just go along and catch him in the act. You can even do it anonymously on the morning he has her!

Hissy · 05/06/2013 07:35

Can you contact the NSPCC for advice?

You need to know what step to take to deal with this in the most effective and supportive way (support for your DD)

Remember that the rights where contact is concerned is the rights of a child to have contact with the parent. Not the other way round.
If he's neglecting her, there is no way he'd get MORE access. I reckon you could push for supervised access only, and potentially at a contact centre.

pinkballetflats · 05/06/2013 10:12

OP - I've been following this and your other thread. I understand its a difficult situation but "he Will take me to court" is no excuse to allow your daughter to be put in danger. If this is happening every other weekend what are you going to do when someone a) takes advantage of the regular set-up and harms your daughter ire b) a decent member of the public notices and calls SS and SS find out you KNEW this was happening?

You NEED to stop playing the victim (and that IS what you are doing) and get a grip.

Harsh, but at this point you NEED telling

MissStrawberry · 05/06/2013 13:03

I know you are worried about him taking you to court and getting more access to your dd but tbf if he carries on leaving her alone there might not be a daughter to fight over Sad.

You must seek legal advice immediately as this can not be allowed to continue.

She knows her daddy doesn't love her.
She knows her daddy loves his girlfriend's relative (daughter?) more than her.
She knows her daddy doesn't put her first.

Let her know Mummy loves her
Mummy doesn't love anyone more than her
Mummy puts her first.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 06/06/2013 00:26

I'm not going to let the situation continue but I do need to be sure it's happening more than once before taking action. Pink - I'm not playing the victim, I'm speaking from experience. I have stopped contact once before when exH got so drunk he passed out during contact when DD was three. He had been cautioned by the police for his aggressive behaviour towards me, he'd been telling DD I didn't love or want her, he'd been taking her to inappropriate pubs and parties and so on. Did these things get taken into account? No they did not and it was me that was chastised for stopping contact.

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/06/2013 07:29

Chastised by whom?

I'd call 101/NSPCC/SS for advice, and i'd report him for drunkenness, abuse and neglect on any and every occasion.

I'd speak to the HV too. Get as many records of this as possible. Start gathering your evidence in the event of court. Make sure nothing he does isn't registered with someone.

You need to get these contacts back in your control, through a contact centre.

Ultimately she needs to spend less time in the company of an abusive, neglectful, and frankly warped individual.

Who the Fuck goes out with these people? Ok, HE is an arse, his GF however? Wtf?

At least with you LittleLisa, I dare say he was pretending to be half decent.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 06/06/2013 10:06

OP if you fear the same outcome over this situation then it's important to get independent verification. You need to engage with either a professional body and seek their advice on how to address this or involve the ski centre management to see where they stand on this. You could phone them up and ask what their policy is with children left unattended in their viewing area. Find out from either a social worker or HV where you and her dad stand on this and what is the best way to address it. Phone NSPCC for advice. Get as much information and advice if you can and then decide what action is best. You'll be able to evidence what steps you took if its all noted how you tried to deal with this. But you need to do something for your DD's sake. You cannot let your fear of how the courts will view your actions stop you doing something to protect your DD.

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 08/06/2013 12:51

I called children's services for advice and they are having a screening manager call me back on Monday but advised suspending contact in the meantime which I've done.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 08/06/2013 13:13

How did he take that?

MyNameIsRio · 08/06/2013 16:15

I am so glad you did that and I hope it will all be resolved well.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 08/06/2013 17:19

That's so sad that he won't put his little girl above his hobby Sad As other posters have said, he has 12 days out of 14 to do as he pleases so he should not use one of his 2 allocated days basically ignoring her. Disgraceful.

clam · 08/06/2013 21:41

Wow! Good for you. What did he say?

Original poster
LittleLisa78 · 09/06/2013 14:58

I'm waiting for their advice on Monday before I tell him. I just told him DD was poorly this weekend as he won't have contact if she's ill

OP posts:
MyNameIsRio · 09/06/2013 15:16

That is good; hope he will learn from this; hope you will be ok too.

CabbageLeaves · 09/06/2013 15:26

I clicked on this expecting a controlling ex wife You are far from that and he's an irresponsible selfish twat who does not deserve a child. Good luck in resolving this but unfortunately he will always be a selfish controlling twat. Your D will one day exercise choice