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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/06/2013 09:14

I think you are expecting a lot.

Your MIL can simply say no if she doesn't want to go. I certainly don't think they should be expected to pay for hotels for guests.

They can't be expected to invited everyone to the wedding breakfast especially if they are on a budget. If you don't want to the wedding ceremony then go to the reception only.

CaptainSweatPants · 02/06/2013 09:15

Just go to the evening do
Let MIL sort out her own day

CaptainSweatPants · 02/06/2013 09:17

Presumably one of mil's siblings wil be there - mother or father of the bride? They'll look after her

scaevola · 02/06/2013 09:17

I think it's wrong, and I'd choose a less elaborate do, at which I could afford to have everyone throughout.

But yes, it seems to happen a lot these days. I think it's thoughtless (at best) for the hosts to invite someone who needs an attendant without inviting someone suitable.

Incidentlally, it seems to be the younger generation who don't seem to mind doing this to their guests. If it is indeed a generational assumption, then the fair thing to do would be to choose to exclude those who share the view that it is acceptable.

Callofthefishwife · 02/06/2013 09:19

I think they were trying to be polite by indicating that its not a case of you NOT bring welcome to the wedding but that they have budget restrictions on the breakfast.

I would decline to go if work commitments made it difficult and just go to the evening do. If you are both working during the day neither of you will be available anyway to ferry MIL about. MILs transport problems are not your problem for the day. You have not been invited to that part of the day per se - so its not your concern unless you usually take days of work to ferry MIL around to other social functions only she is invited to.

Jellyhandsandfingers · 02/06/2013 09:19

Hmmm...it's tricky. I think it does seem to be quite common nowadays for people to want to come to the ceremony even if they aren't coming to the breakfast. I never knew this until last year when I started planning my wedding but it seems t come up quite a lot of wedding forums.

However, I'm surprised that as your elderly MIL is invited to the whole day, they didn't extend an invitation to someone who could help her get around in the day and keep her company. This is what tends to happen among our extended family at weddings and other events. So for example, my grandmother was invited to a wedding with a plus 1 so that she could bring another family member to accompany her. It got round the problem of her finding it difficult to travel that far on her own, meant she had company on the day while others were busy, but also didn't mean that the bride and groom had to invite lots of extra people to the daytime which I'm sure would have been difficult cost wise.

So thats a long winded way of saying YANBU at all! They can't really expect your elderly mother in law to come across London on her own and similarly can't expect you to go back and forth all day.

FobblyWoof · 02/06/2013 09:19

Personally I wouldn't go to the trouble of going to both the wedding and the reception- I'd just choose one. Otherwise you're hanging around all day Confused

I think it is a sign of the times. Weddings are so expensive now and people do want it all. Unfortunately I think they forget that a very large part of what "makes the day" (and makes any party really) is guests being happy. Well catered for guests are going to have a lovely time and in turn make sure the day is lovely but people forget this because they want a more expensive cake, chair covers etc.

It's definitely got a lot to do with the cost of everything now but I also think people (and I could be wrong) that people are a lot more judgemental now. When my in laws got married they had no money so held the reception in their garden with a barbecue. How many people would do that now? I'd love to get married but can't afford it. I'd be quite happy to do what my in laws did but I don't want everyone scoffing and slagging it off Confused

Finola1step · 02/06/2013 09:19

Just go to the evening do. Talk to MIL about her plans.

Wishiwasanheiress · 02/06/2013 09:20

By the way you aren't that VIP to the prospective groom either? Don't believe it's all bride that's rather outdated and a bit sexist!

Considering most moan they can't see the ceremony as only eve guests you seem to be keen to find issue. Tbh doesn't sound like you are interested so don't go.

Re the old lady - did they think she would accept or just be pleased to receive an invite? Big difference.

MrsMelons · 02/06/2013 09:20

They are not unreasonable to not invite you to the day time, I think it is fairly common to invite people to the church if they wish to go as often that is the bit people want to see the most as its the actual wedding! I couldn't afford to have all my cousins at the wedding but invited aunties/uncles and the cousins in the evening, none of them were 'tier two' guests. Most of them popped to the church to watch the ceremony and take photos.

I cannot figure out what relation your MIL is to them (auntie?) but I am also not sure it is their responsibility to sort out how she gets there etc. Are they asking you to care for her or are you just assuming that?

However if there was an elderly relative invited to my wedding I would ensure there were other guests there that could be with her etc but everyone's different I guess. I think your reaction is a bit OTT and I am kind of with your DH on this.

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2013 09:20

It's an invitation, not a summons. If you're unavailable, then say no (therby leaving the bride and groom to invite someone that actually likes them).

If you act like this in real life, they're probably hoping you'll decline anyway.

desperateforaholiday · 02/06/2013 09:21

Yabu, they arnt expecting you to go to the day do, they have only said it would be lovely if you were there. Your mil can say no if she doesn't feel upto it, or just tag along with you at night

IWillGetThere · 02/06/2013 09:21

Absolutely not the bride and grooms job to sort out your MILs travel arrangements/hotel.

I don't understand why you have a problem. You are invited to the evening do, they have explained why they can't invite you to the reception and said if you can we would love if you could come to the church. Not rude at all.

There is no issue here - just go to the evening do.

LadybirdsEverywhere · 02/06/2013 09:22

This happened to my granny. She declined the main event invitation and just went to the evening do as that's all my parents were invited to and she didn't want to go without them. She's just too old and nervous to do things like that by herself these days.

I thought it was quite rude of the bride and groom as they would have known that she wouldn't attend alone, but we all just hoped they would get the message when Granny declined the church and reception.

I wouldn't write a note. If your MIL is willing, she could write something about "thanks for the kind invitation but I will be travelling with DS and DDIL so I will just come to the evening reception".

Thepursuitofhappiness · 02/06/2013 09:22

YABU.
They have said you can go to the church, not they are expecting you to.
Just ask DH to have a word with his uncle/auntie (grooms parents) and check that they have factored in MILs care. Don't really understand what you are annoyed about other than you are slightly offended not to be asked for full day.

Jellyhandsandfingers · 02/06/2013 09:23

I did mean to add though that planning a wedding at the moment, I'm so sure I will manage to upset someone, some where along the line without meaning too as there are so many different things to get right. It may not have even occurred to your relatives that your MiL might struggle, especially if they don't have many elderly people around them often so don't understand the logistics or problems that may be faced.

HollyBerryBush · 02/06/2013 09:23

It's quite normal to have a day and evening event. Notification for the evening event would include the church, for those nosey enough to want to go.

There will be other relatives to look after MIL. Frankly though if she isn't robust to cope with the wedding breakfast, do you expect her to stay for the evening?

It is the guests responsibility ensure their own travel.

Fairyloo · 02/06/2013 09:25

YABU you sound bitter as you have only been invited to the evening part.

Their wedding they invite who they want to what parts they want.

It's the guests job to sort how they get their not the bride and grooms they have enough to sort out. Can your MIL not take a carer as guest

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/06/2013 09:25

I think WishIWas has it. The invite to your mil was a courtesy but they probably don't expect her to attend.

If you don't want to go then don't. The Bride has probably been on here and read all the people who say 'just turn up to the ceremony, they can't stop you' and so invited you to that as well as the evening reception.

I don't think its particularly rude and I wouldn't be offended at all.

Go or don't go, its up to you. And presumably mil can liaise with family as to whether or not she will go and how the logistics will work.

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:26

Had they just invited us to the evening do I wouldn't be offended. It's the expectation that we have time to go to the wedding (which is being staged in a very important church) but aren't important enough to be invited properly.

MIL wants to go; it will be the highlight of her year. I don't expect them to pay for her hotel but I do expect them to help her with her arrangements. She isn't our guest and we are not full guests at the wedding yet I think there is an unspken expectation that she will be taken by us; sit with us, be taken to the main meal by us and we then bugger off, etc,

This all smacks of wanting a Grand looking wedding without the budget. If they can't afford the impression they want to create - have a cheaper wedding rather than treat people badly.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/06/2013 09:26

Are you the only family members going to the whole day who would be looking after MIL? If so then yes, it is thoughtless of them not to consider this and make provision for people to accompany her.

I see why you are miffed, and personally I hate the missing wedding breakfast thing, but you can of course just skip the wedding and go to the evening do - or decline entirely if so inclined. I'd quite like the chance to go to my own choice of posh restaurant with DH for the afternoon, but that's because my DCs are small so it would be a treat - and most wedding food is rubbish. Spend their gift money on somewhere nice!

conkercon · 02/06/2013 09:28

Is your DH very close to this cousin? Do they see one another regularly? If not then I think you are being unreasonable with your expectations. From your OP it does not sound like they either expect you too look after mil or to attend the ceremony so not sure why you are so cross.

My FIL was the most senior member of my Dh family and this type of thing happened on a couple of occasions. I totally understood and happily either took or collected DFil without feeling I was being slighted.

natwebb79 · 02/06/2013 09:28

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why my partner and I are going with the 'us and two witnesses' option. It is their wedding with their budget. Every guest has the opportunity to look at what's on offer and accept or decline. If they tried to keep everyone happy they would go insane.

LadybirdsEverywhere · 02/06/2013 09:29

Ha ha! Do what NoSquirrels says!

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/06/2013 09:29

I do think you're reading to much into the invitation, and seeing slights that aren't meant.

MIL can presumably speak to the sibling who is the bride's parent and sort it ou.

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