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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
ilovexmastime · 02/06/2013 10:44

YABU. There is no expectation for you to go to the church, they've just said that you can if you want and it would be nice to see you there if you do. If you don't want to go to the church then don't, they've given you the choice.
MIL is not your problem.

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 10:47

quote we chose a venue that was really special to us. It was big enough to fit in the main family and friends that we wanted to invite, but not big enough to fit in great uncle x twice removed by marriage whom I had never met who seemed to think they should be invited. they thought me rude, but tbh I thought them rude to expect to be wined and dined without ever having shown any interest in me for the first 25 years of my life.

ballstoit · 02/06/2013 10:48

I can see why you'd be annoyed - although I suspect you're more annoyed that some of your dh's cousins have been invited when you haven't. However, I can also see the brides point of view - just because your dh is close to her Dad, doesn't mean she has to invite you.

I don't think it's your argument though...it's dh's family, and if he doesn't mind, why do you?

SpanishFly · 02/06/2013 10:49

14 cousins? ? You say some of them have been invited. So surely they can help with their aunt. If not, then they're being unreasonable, not the b&g

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 10:49

You've summed up exactly how I feel quoteunquote. I feel the bride wants 150 accessory guests at the ceremony and for the photos (why else chose this church in London) but doesn't want to pay for them at the wedding breakfast. This is exactly what the invitation conveyed. I can't use the exact words/locations - it woud out me but you have hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Pumpkinette · 02/06/2013 10:49

Maybe they are hoping you will offer to pay for your own meals and stay? I have never heard of getting a ceremony and evening invite before. I do think its a bit odd. You could always go for lunch elsewhere with your DH and go back for the evening. If it was us I think we would just not bother going to the ceremony and go for the evening reception.

Is there no one else that could take your MIL to the ceremony and reception and you could take her home in the evening?

daftdame · 02/06/2013 10:50

OP I see the predicament but think it is almost impossible to please everyone at weddings.

Me and DH have absolutely been the friends who excitedly wanted to see our friends get married but who weren't invited to evening do. On other occasions it has been a bother. I've also been to a wedding where I didn't get the +1 to the wedding breakfast but did to the evening do - that wasn't so great but I still wanted to go.

I remember also the logistics of organising my wedding, seating, numbers etc. None goes absolutely smoothly. I think you all you can do is do your best. If MIL isn't bothered about day do you could just take her to evening do with you. If she is, check if there is another relative who will take her, other wise you either suck it up and try to make the best day you can out of it or someone else has to 'save the day'.

GoblinGranny · 02/06/2013 10:52

Times change.
Many young people do things very differently now, it may seem odd to those of a different generation.
I find it amazing how much people spend on weddings, including fancies that would have delighted my great-grandmother, exotic locations, enormous expense, only to be divorced in the next 5 years.
OP, go to the evening do if you want to. If not, send them an elegant card and decline. Remind several other relatives, including the B&G that elderly relative wants to go but will need provision and support if she's going to make it.
My wedding was 30 years ago, we were mostly broke, so we had a three day wrap-around party with people dropping in and out as they fancied and could manage. It was a lot of fun.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 10:53

Not reading the thread so this is an unbiased response just to the OP: yes, they are being very thoughtless. Yes, it is rude to invite people to two events with a gap in the middle, though the wording suggests they really mean you don't have to go to the actual wedding and I wouldn't.

I get that it's difficult for people to plan things but this is taking the piss a bit.

JerryLeadbetter · 02/06/2013 10:54

Ok so not ideal as far as MIL is concerned, but she doesn't have to go to the church bit if she can't there on her own does she? Surely she can get a cab to the evening do and meet you there, or just go with you and your DH?

Personally I'd go to church bit, then go into London with DH and poss other friends family in the same situation as you, and make camp in a nice pub and have some food and get pissed, before trotting off to the reception. But I have a 1 and 2 year old so tend to push the boat out when such events arise Wink

SoupDragon · 02/06/2013 10:54

I think you are being a guestzilla.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 10:54

(Btw, I don't buy the 'young people' excuse. I am young. All my friends are young. We still wouldn't do this.)

RhondaJean · 02/06/2013 10:57

I'm Scottish and this is the way weddings have always been done here.

It's certainly never been regarded as second tier to get an evening invite, and they usually say to x church/ registry office then 7pm at y hotel.

It's only changed slightly in recent years with all day in hotel weddings meaning you can't get to the ceremony due to space if you are an evening invite .

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 10:57

YABU - but I think you has just misunderstood the ettiquette for a church wedding where you have some people who are just invited to the evening do - you aren't actually expected to go to the Church! you are expected just to go to the evening do, but as it's a Church wedding and a public venue (so any random passing person who fancies it can go to the church to watch the wedding) they should make you aware you are welcome to join to watch the ceremony if you want to.

In actual fact, it's the people who send out 'evening only' invites and don't give guests details of the ceremony are the ones being rude (unless they are having a hotel wedding in which case the wedding isn't a public event).

As for the fact that you invited all 14 cousins to your wedding, how many were married with DCs? If they are having DCs to their wedding, it could easily be that if it averages at 2 DCs per cousin and all partnered up, that's an extra 56 people. If they were much younger when you got married, paying for 14 meals is very different to paying for 50+ meals, particularly as you aren't close. It sounds like what they've done is make the call that aunts and uncles are invited, cousins evening only. (and it's not surprising your DCs aren't invited, you've only really been invited to the evening do, most evening do's don't have DCs at them unless they've already been there all day, I've never been to an evening reception on an evening only invite when DS has been invited)

Panzee · 02/06/2013 10:58

What does MIL want?

beginnings · 02/06/2013 11:03

OP you sound incredibly pompous. I see you sniffing disapprovingly at every aspect of this event. I say that in the context that I loathe two tier weddings and have never, and will never, accept an evening invitation. My view is that you should Either invite people to your wedding or not but half measures are just silly.

That said, to say that the wedding party are responsible for the travel arrangements of guests is ludicrous. If you are having a wedding to which most of your guests need to travel, then it is common courtesy to advise of a range of hotels in a suitable location to suit a range of budgets. However, it is not necessary to consider travel arrangements other than from the wedding venue to the reception venue if they are far apart. If your MIL is physically frail, but still of sound mind, then it is up to her to make her arrangements. My 92 year old grandmother managed it when coming to my wedding!

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 11:03

oh and like Rhonda - my mum's generation in the north did this, wedding breakfasts would be for just close wedding party, so 20-30 people, then evening do, everyone was welcome at the church. It was the norm, but then normally everyone lived close by so could pop to the village church, then go home, then pop to the evening reception.

Plus this is basically what Prince William and Kate Middleton did, they had 1000+ in the church, then 'only' a few hundred for the wedding breakfast, then an evening ball for 2x as many people, and no DCs apart from bridesmaids to any of it. the "go to a hotel, get married, have a meal, have an evening disco all under one roof with all the same people for the whole thing" is the new way of getting married, only really in the last 20 years or so.

WinkyWinkola · 02/06/2013 11:03

"accessory guests"?

Are guests accessories then?

Perhaps she chose that church because erm, she really likes it?

It's not all about you, op.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 02/06/2013 11:04

OP is your DH close to his cousins? It's not really the thing now to invite the entire family if you're not close or haven't seen them for years. I'd rather have my friends there.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 11:05

OP, you received an invitation. The only thing that the bridal party are expecting from you is a response to say you will/will not attend.

Your DH is ok with it. His mum is not your problem. You have heaped a load if expectations onto yourself and then argued with your DH over it.Shock. Why? What can he do about it?

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 11:05

oh and I have never had a bride and groom sort the travel arrangements of guests, beyond giving details of local taxi firms and a map with directions if it's an area where most of the guests don't know.

janey68 · 02/06/2013 11:06

So as you clearly disapprove of your cousin's attitude and feel that she simply wants all the trappings and location of a 'posh' do, at the expense of inviting all extended family, why on earth does it matter to you? Surely you go to weddings because you love or like the person inviting you! It sounds as though you thoroughly dislike her decisions so I can't see why youre so het up

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 02/06/2013 11:06

Oh and the only transport we thought about was my elderly grandparents. I certainly had no idea how anyone else got there. We sort ourselves out when we travel to a wedding, I don't expect someone to do it for me.

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 11:08

MIL is desperate to go and expects DH to facilitate all the arrangements for her. BUT DH hasn't actually been invited and this is where I think the bride's father should have stepped in and either made sure we were invited or taken charge of arrangements for MIL. MIL will not make her own arrangements - but that is another thread.

14 cousins 10 spouses (nobody is quibbling about children). That's 24 and for a summer wedding probably two to three couples won't be able to make it. That makes about 18-20. The breakfast has been limited to 100.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 02/06/2013 11:11

Are there no other relatives that could help with mil?