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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 02/06/2013 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMook · 02/06/2013 10:04

We struggled to find a venue big enough for all our guests. We didn't have a support team locally to enable us to have a DIY wedding, so we were limited to venues that would set up for us. Fortunately we found the right hotel that covered most close people we wanted to invite at a location that meant a lot to us. We still had to invite some people for the evening only where there was a greater capacity. Most couples can't find a location that will tick the needs of every guest. It's not rudeness, it's practicality, compromise and yes the couple choosing to spend the most expensive day of their lives in a way that makes them happy. Some of our guests may have preferred a shorter drive between venues, but to do so would have meant changing the atmosphere of the whole reception (we loved the countryside and being by the hill where we got engaged) and slashing the guest list and paying more per guest which to us which was an unacceptable compromise.

Our evening guests were "welcome" to the ceremony. A church ceremony is a public not private event anyway. A couple of local people did pop by, then carried on with their day. It wasn't an expectation, but we thought that seeing us getting married might mean more to some evening guests than just being invited for a buffet and disco.

It's not clear how close the couple are to your MiL and how aware of her needs they are. If they have a more distant relationship and decided to invite Auntie to the whole day because x saw a lot of her as a child although not in recent years, they haven't been unreasonable. If they are close enough to know that she needs accompanying and haven't allowed for provision of that then that is thoughtless.

You've been invited to the evening, are welcome for the ceremony. Just accept or decline the parts of the day that will be appropriate for you.

Binkybix · 02/06/2013 10:05

This is a non-issue. They were trying to be polite by saying you we're welcome to come to ceremony - I doubt they actually expect that you will.

Do you know whether arrangements have been made for MIL by other relatives, or are you just assuming that they haven't and that you are expected to do it?

Tryharder · 02/06/2013 10:05

I also don't see the problem. I wasn't even invited to my cousin's wedding. I haven't seen him for about 10 years. Why on earth should he invite me?

In your situation, I would not attend the ceremony but would turn up for the food and alcohol in the evening

pictish · 02/06/2013 10:05

"unbelievably rude"

No. It isn't rude. There is nothing wrong with their invitation at all. It's very pleasant in fact.

"Is it really the done thing to send a printed invitation telling people they can attend the ceremony but aren't invited to the wedding breakfast."

Yes. It is the done thing. Very few people provide a wedding breakfast for every person coming to the church. Far from it.

OP - you are way off on this one. You are coming across as unrealistic and self important. You have a bee in your bonnet about being welcome at the church. The bride and groom are being gracious about it. Go or don't. They don't mind.

It's your husband's cousin's wedding. Get over it.

pictish · 02/06/2013 10:06

I'd go to the evening do. Best bit.
Then I'd consider it no further.

Jellyhandsandfingers · 02/06/2013 10:07

If your MIL is 80 then I think perhaps it may not even occur to them that she is unable to come herself. My grandmother I mentioned earlier is 92 and has only been slowing down enough to need support maybe 4/5 years tops.

sydlexic · 02/06/2013 10:07

I understand how you feel, I was put in the same situation by my niece. It was their day so I went along with their wishes but I was quite offended.

We went to the wedding ceremony and then left to go to a gastro pub for lunch which was £60 a head. We had to pay for travelling and new outfits and gifts. We had hours wandering around doing nothing.

When we got to the evening reception they had spent large amounts of money on the biggest chocolate fountain you have ever seen and a hot air ballon with doves in. I think it is a very strange thing to do, but it's their wedding they can do as they please.

Binkybix · 02/06/2013 10:07

If you were expected to go to ceremony then hang around in the middle of nowhere for hours, that would be a different matter I think.

Binkybix · 02/06/2013 10:09

But sydlexic - why didn't you just go to the evening do?

MissStrawberry · 02/06/2013 10:10

It is rubbish really. Weddings DO NOT have to be expensive. Just own up that you want a big day and possibly lots of gifts/money

When DH and I planned our wedding we decided we were paying for everything ourselves and that everyone would come to every part of the day. Every guest was on equal footing except we made sure all the elderly members of the guest list (grandmothers, family friends) were sat nearest to the top table as a sign of respect.

We have only once received a letter pre wedding invites to say our children could not be brought to the wedding but we were given plenty of time to sort baby sitters and we were welcome to go. We didn't go as no baby sitters but we still sent a card and cheque iirc.

PurpleBlossom · 02/06/2013 10:11

Sorry. Just re-read bride is the cousin

But anyway they're still not rude. As someone else said just go in the evening for the party/ free food and drink. What's not to like

MissStrawberry · 02/06/2013 10:12

FobblyWoof - your wedding should be about you getting married. If you think people will scoff then don't bloody invite them. What is more important, getting married or accepting pressure from other people and getting into debt or not getting married at all?

HugAMoo · 02/06/2013 10:14

Woah! OP, you're getting a bit of a pasting here, undeservedly so. I think the main point of OP's contention is that the MIL is invited without anyone to look after her.

Like it or not, of you are having a 'big' wedding, ie not a b & g and two witnesses affair and you have a close family, there are certain obligations and this is one of them. If you invite an old lady of 80, recently widowed, then she WILL need someone to look after and support her. It's completely thoughtless on the part of the bride and groom. It's almost spiteful because they would have thought out every single detail and guest to the last detail, such is planning a wedding.

YANBU

IKnowWhat · 02/06/2013 10:15

I don't like it and I wouldn't do. ..........It but I think it is OK and I dont think it is rude.

I liked the post earlier where someone said 'its an invitation NOT a summons'

I would just go for the ceremony, I buy a cheap day return and have a nice trip to London with no fuss or worry about outfits etc.

I would let DH Worry about his Mum.

ll31 · 02/06/2013 10:15

You're clearly annoyed at not bring in the A list. this is obvious in way you refer to their financial issues, quite snidely,you describe their wedding as being 'staged' ,etc. Maybe they just don't want you there.

domesticslattern · 02/06/2013 10:18

I never understand why people are banging down the doors to attend weddings of people that they don't even like.

Original poster

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 10:18

We are the bride's family - I thought that was clear in the opening thread.

DH and bride are first cousins - bride is last of 14 cousins to marry. We married 23 years ago. Previous family weddings have included all cousins at main reception having invited them to the wedding.

My apologies if I am out of date but I have never received an invitation like this before and found it quite shocking and as the family recently attended FIL's funeral and know mIL often stays with us I am surprised we haven't been invited to the same parts of the wedding as MIL.

I always thought guests were the responsibility of the hosts btw - but perhaps this is no longer the case.

MIL will stay here, DH will accompany her to the church and take her to the reception. He can go to work during the reception (we don't work formally at weekends) and can collect her afterwards and take her to a hhotel for tea/a sit down. I will meet them at the evening do.

Bearing in mind the vitriol on this thread it's a good job I'm not offended that our children haven't been invited!

OP posts:

Takver · 02/06/2013 10:21

I'd say it is completely normal, and not a new thing at all. Looking back 20 years to when most of my friends/family got married, I can think of plenty of weddings where I've been to the church and then to the evening do, but only close family (ie not cousins) have been to the afternoon bit.

I agree its a PITA having to hang around, but you don't have to go to the church bit if you don't want to!

MrsDeVere · 02/06/2013 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Antisecco · 02/06/2013 10:23

I say this is all love OP...I think a lot of the vitriol has come FROM you not TO you. I still say you are making much too heavy weather of this (and putting two and two together I am probably your age or older) , which is an observation, not an attack.

pictish · 02/06/2013 10:24

Yes...just go to the evening do, and enjoy it. No worries.

CSIJanner · 02/06/2013 10:24

Personally I don't see what the B&G have done wrong however I don't see why your MIL should be your responsibility during the day itself. Your DH is being v nice and fab in accompanying his mum, making sure she's okay then popping back to work until the evening. However if it was me, I would use that solution as plan B and ask if any of the uncles/aunts be looking after MIL as you will not be A&E to make the ceremony itself.

francesdrake · 02/06/2013 10:24

The grandness of the venue doesn't necessarily mean there's a huge budget for the wedding breakfast - is the bride/groom an old pupil of one of the London schools that entitles you to be married in an ante chapel of a Significant Church? In which case, it might be that they're faced with the prospect of having to cater the post-ceremony reception in a very expensive part of town, or not take up the lovely privilege of starting their married life somewhere incredibly special.

Another one here who thinks you're looking for reasons to be offended - I don't think it's particularly badly handled at all. Do you know for sure that they haven't made arrangements for your MIL?

bluestar2 · 02/06/2013 10:25

You need to get over yourself. With all your talk of staging and b lists you are coming across as jealous and self important. If you feel this way don't go at all.

Bride and groom can't possibly assume responsibility for arranging transport etc for everyone. Although it would have been nice if they had thought her needs through. Suggest your dh makes contact with another family member who is attending.

I am seriously stunned at your attitude.

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